Page 101 of Wonder

“Why?”

He cricks his neck, the sound a sharp, uncomfortable crack. “I… I’m part of a gang. The Hearts. There’s four of us in the city.”

Beside him, Buck stiffens. “Like the Spades.”

Adam nods, his eyes on the movement of my fingers. “The prez of the Spades – Gryphon, he doesn’t like us very much. Thinks we’ve been poaching on his territory. Looks like he has a cozy partnership with your boss and I’m the sacrificial lamb.”

“Gryphon doesn’t like anyone.” Buck curses. He looks more aware now. “IknewI fucking recognised him.”

I turn, the needle in my hands. My voice is quiet. “So here you are.”

“Yes.” He keeps his head up, but I can see him shaking. “Make it quick. As much as you can.”

I watch him.

They’re going to throw him away like trash. Discard him somewhere in the city, just one of many who fall prey to the drugs so easily obtained on the street. “What’s your name? Your full name?”

He wets his lips, his voice quieting. As if he’d prefer the men around us not to overhear. “Adam… Adam Lidell.”

Adam Lidell.

I’ve seen the consequences of Red’s games. Hundreds of times.

But she’s never made me a part of them before. And I hate it, hate every fucking part of it as I prepare the injection to kill a man I’m more than certain doesn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry,” I offer him. My eyes flicker to the men around us.

There’s no way out. He’d never make it.

Jaw tight, he nods. “It is what it is. Let’s not draw it out any longer than it already will be.”

He doesn’t fight when I wrap the strap around his upper arm, tightening it. I glance down at the marks that already sit just inside his elbow.

Adam follows my gaze.

“Stupid,” he mutters. “Alyss would be so disappointed in me. Chess too.”

“Who are they?” I press on the vein, testing it.

“My sister. My best friend.” Adam swallows. “It killed our dad too. He thought he was invincible, you know? I don’t know why he started. He hid it well enough, until he stopped bothering. He was a damn shell in the end. Didn’t even try to stay off it. I had to take over his… his job at the club, and it was hard. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted it half the time. I always thought Alyss would be better at it than me. The first time I injected, I just… needed a break. Wanted to know what made him so obsessed. I figured I could stop after the first time.”

Buck stirs. “Only a few find the way out. Some don’t recognize it when they do – and some don’t ever want to.”

He laughs again, but it’s choked. “I wanted to. That’s the fucked-up thing about time, isn’t it? You always think there’s gonna be more of it. Fuck, Alyss will hate me so much for leaving her with it all. And she won’t even know what happened.”

I kneel in front of him. He swallows, staring down at the needle with glassy eyes. “Iwantit, even now. How fucked is that? I know what it is, know what it’ll do to me, but I still fucking want it.”

Buck, silent next to me, bows his head.

I hesitate.

“It’s okay,” Adam says roughly. “You’re just the messenger. But… if you get chance. Would you get a message to her? Alyss? Just tell her… tell her I’m sorry. For all of it. For putting it all on her.”

The men behind him shift. I’m not allowed past those doors.

My only glimpses of freedom are the times we’re transported between cities. Glimpses through the locked doors of the trucks that transport us like cattle, flashes of place to place.

I stopped bothering to look, in the end.