Page 126 of Woman on the Verge

He died

I send this text to Elijah and then to Kyle.

Elijah responds first:

Oh, sweetheart

It is the first time he has used this term of endearment with me. My dad has died, and I am someone’s sweetheart.

Him: I knew it was coming, but my heart still breaks for you

The idea of his heart breaking on my behalf makes me sob in the same way I did when Ingrid said my dad had taken his last breath. I start crying again, my body summoning tears from some unknown reservoir of pain after all the usual wells have been drained dry.

I knew it was coming too and yet I feel completely caught off guard

Him: Of course you do. You’ve never not had your father so there would have been no way to be ready for such a reality

Kind, eloquent Elijah. He is too good hearted to be a lawyer. I need to tell him this in a hopefully not-so-distant future when I am able to laugh again.

I can’t believe it’s reality. I just don’t believe it

Him: There is no rush to believe. Give yourself time

Bask in the denial. That’s what he’s advising. Linger in this stage of grief. The others may be even more arduous.

Him: Can I do anything? What do you need right now?

I have no idea.

Him: Do you want to meet at the park tonight?

I don’t know if I do, can’t seem to get a grasp on anything at all in this moment, but I respond anyway:

Ok.

Him: I’ll meet you there at the same time. And if you change your mind, that’s okay too.

Thank you. You’re so good to me

He sends me three red hearts in return.

Kyle responds ten minutes later. I am lying flat on the couch. Merry and Frank are still busy moving various things into the hallway from what will forever be known as the room where my dad died.

Him: Ugh, how you holding up?

Not well

Him: How’s Merry?

We’re both having a hard time

Him: I wish there was something I could do

There is,I want to say.You could say tender things like Elijah. You could offer to fly up with the girls and hold me.

Him: Should I send flowers?

Is he asking me for guidance on etiquette? Requesting my help with an appropriate gift in this situation? Is there no time I can be free from being his wife?