Page 26 of Wish You Were Here

Saskia

It’s early evening, and Brad and I are strolling along Bondi Beach on our way to a restaurant for dinner.

Life feels so strange at the moment. I can’t stop thinking about Lou and his son, and wondering what is really going on.

Jess and I still haven’t spoken since our argument, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Should I make the first move even though quite clearly she is in the wrong?

I haven’t spoken or messaged with Ben in a few days, and I’m wondering if perhaps he’s over me and what that means now that I’m dating Brad.

Also, since my bonsai chat with Brian, I have been pondering what it means to have a positive male role model in my life again.

Dad’s been gone for ten years now, and in all that time, Mum’s not dated anyone I’ve got close to.

To be fair, most of her boyfriends – and there haven’t been many – have only lasted for a few months, and none have moved in, so I haven’t had the chance to really get to know them.

But speaking with Brian, it made me appreciate that I finally have someone else in my life I can trust. Someone I can ‘talk at’ if the need arises.

Brad and I stop for a moment, watching surfers riding the waves, and standing next to Brad, it’s hard not to feel a sense of pride.

Is that the right word? He’s gorgeous, tall, muscular, and I see other women eyeing him up, then looking at me and probably wondering why he’s dating me.

Surely he could do better, right? But he is dating me, and we’re off to a restaurant Brad’s been going on about called North Bondi Fish.

‘Do you surf?’ I ask because he seems like the sort of bloke who would surf, but thinking about it, he has never mentioned it, and I don’t remember seeing a surfboard at his flat.

‘Not really. I did a bit when I was younger, but I lost interest in my twenties. I still love the sea, but not surfing. I’d rather workout at the gym, go for a run, and recently I’ve been cold water plunging.

I’ve got a mate who has a cold plunge tank and a sauna in his backyard, and it’s a real game changer, Sas. ’

‘Cold water plunge? I mean, how cold are we talking?’

‘It’s freeze your testicles all the way back into your body cold. You should try it. It’s life changing.’

‘No, you’re all right, Brad. I like my balls just the way they are, thanks.’

‘I’ll get you in there one day,’ says Brad with a smile, before he leans down and kisses me, although he doesn’t laugh at my joke. I think Ben would have enjoyed it.

‘One day? So you think you and I could go the distance?’

‘Yeah, maybe, why not?’

‘Guess we’ll have to see,’ I say, as we start walking towards the restaurant. We’re not in a hurry, and it’s nice to take our time and chat. ‘Although if we stay together, it might be the end of me and Jess.’

‘She’s still not talking to you?’

‘We haven’t spoken since the argument.’

‘I know Jess isn’t my biggest fan, and maybe she has every right to be angry at me, but I think she’s being unfair to you and going a bit over the top with all of this.’

‘She did say some really hurtful stuff.’

‘Then I wouldn’t worry about it. You need to live your life, Sas, and if she can’t be happy for you, then maybe she isn’t the friend you need in your life at the moment.’

‘You think so?’

‘I’m just saying,’ says Brad, as we walk up to the restaurant. ‘Sometimes we outgrow our friends, and maybe this is one of those situations. Right, here we go. Prepare to have your taste buds blown!’

The restaurant is light, bright and with wonderful views over Bondi Beach.

It is also packed, and we get the last table near a window.

We sit down, and a young waiter with surf-kissed blond hair and skin the colour of caramel asks us what we’d like to drink.

Brad gets water for the table, a bottle of rosé to share, and we begin browsing the menu.

It is a beautiful spot, and I’m sure the food is going to be to die for, but all I can think about is what Brad said outside.

Is my friendship with Jess over? I can’t believe it is because she’s been my best friend since primary school.

We grew up together, have shared so much of our lives with each other, but is it possible we could break up because of a man?

Surely we’re stronger than that. But she hasn’t reached out to me and I haven’t reached out to her, and if neither of us makes the effort, then surely that’s it, right?

Just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

As we’re looking through the menu, Brad starts rattling off all the things we have to get.

‘For starters, the calamari is incredible, or the mussels if you’re into that. For the mains, obviously the fish and chips is awesome, the grilled fish is ace, or the fish burger. Although anything is good. So whatever you want, Sas, just—’

‘What really happened with Caroline?’ I ask suddenly. I don’t mean to just say it like that, but it comes out and I think I have to know. What did Brad do that was so awful Jess is prepared to blow up our friendship because of it?

‘What do you mean?’

‘What really happened because Jess seems to think that whatever happened between you was pretty bad. I just … Jess has been my best friend since we were kids, Brad, and for her to warn me against you like that, it makes me think.’

‘Sas,’ says Brad and then he reaches a hand across the table and holds mine softly in his.

‘It’s like I already said, she thought we were something we weren’t.

She wanted a proper relationship, and I didn’t.

We slept together a couple of times, she assumed we were something more and got upset when I broke it off. ’

‘Jess said that you cheated on her.’

‘How can you cheat on someone when you aren’t even dating? Yes, I slept with other women, but Caroline and I were never exclusive. We were just a fling. That’s all.’

‘You made this clear to Caroline?’

‘I thought so, but obviously not to her. Look, Sas, I really like you. I think we might actually have something, and I don’t want it to get ruined because of something that happened ages ago that meant nothing to me. I swear I never meant to hurt Caroline.’

‘What about us?’

‘What about us?’

‘Are we exclusive?’

‘Is that what you want?’

I have to take a moment to think about this because this conversation was unplanned, and I am not prepared for it at all.

Do I want to start a serious relationship with Brad?

Is he real boyfriend material or just a casual fuck buddy?

I can’t help but think that I need to listen to Jess because I have always trusted her, but at the same time, maybe Brad is right and our friendship has just come to a rather sad conclusion.

She’s going to be living an hour and a half away soon, and we aren’t even going to be a big part of each other’s lives anymore.

Should I knock this thing with Brad on the head because of Jess, when soon we’ll barely see each other?

I need to look after myself, and so after a minute I look across the table and say.

‘It is, yeah.’

‘Then let’s do it! You and me. Exclusive rights.’

‘There’s going to be a lot of disappointed men in Sydney,’ I say, and Brad laughs.

‘Come here,’ he says, leaning across the table and kissing me, and just like that, it seems that Brad and I are a proper couple.

We end up ordering far too much food, and we have to bring some back with us, but as we walk along the beach, hand-in-hand, on such a lovely warm evening, I don’t think I have been this content for a long time.

Yes, the thing with Jess is a bit of a dark cloud, I’m worried about Lou, I need to speak with Ben, but in two weeks I’m turning thirty, I have a gig in front of Fudge Cake and I have a super-hot new boyfriend.

We stroll back to his flat, enjoying the sun that’s on its way down, and when we get back, Brad puts the food in the fridge and is going to get us a glass of wine, when my phone rings and when I look down, I see that Ben is trying to FaceTime.

Shit! I still haven’t explained Ben to Brad, not that I even know what to say or how to categorise our relationship.

There isn’t yet a word for the sort of weird predicament I find myself in with Ben.

‘I have a FaceTime. Can I take it in your bedroom?’ I ask Brad.

‘No worries,’ Brad replies, filling up two wine glasses. I walk into his bedroom, closing the door behind me. I don’t know why, but I’m nervous as I answer.

‘Ben, hi!’

‘Hello, Sas. Oh, where are you?’

‘I’m at Brad’s flat in Bondi.’

‘Oh, right,’ says Ben, a note of something slightly awkward in his voice. Ben is in his bedroom, as usual. ‘It looks nice.’

‘Yeah, it’s good. How ya goin’?’

‘Yes, all good. Actually, I have some news.’

‘Sounds intriguing, Beno.’

‘I’ve met someone,’ he says, and for a moment, I feel something I’m sure is jealousy.

My feelings radar has definitely been a little off recently, so I’m not entirely sure. My chest tightens, my heart races, and I feel a sharp pang of resentment that takes me by surprise.

‘Oh, right. Who?’

‘It was the strangest thing. The other day, I randomly bumped into my old university girlfriend, Jemma. I haven’t seen her since we broke up, but we went out for a drink, one thing led to another, and anyway, it’s quite exciting.’

‘I’m happy for you, Beno.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

‘It came completely out of the blue, Sas, but the date was amazing, and it was like we took up exactly where we left off. Well, not exactly where we left off, obviously, because we broke up, but when it was good.’

‘So you think she might be The One ?’

‘I don’t know, it’s too early for that, but it’s looking good. After all my recent disappointments in that department, I’m excited to see where it might go.’

‘Maybe you don’t have to move out of London, after all.’

‘Maybe.’

I look at Ben, and he looks so happy, and I am glad for him, but I can’t help the pangs of jealousy because a part of me wishes it could be with me.

That I could be his new girlfriend, which is fucking weird, I know, because I’m with Brad – I am literally on his bed.

I suppose I just don’t know how I feel, and I can’t explain my relationship with Ben, even to myself.

The thing is, right now, all I know is that he’s with Jemma in London and I am with Brad in Sydney, and that’s just the way it is.

I have to be happy for him like he has to be happy for me.

Ben I talk for another five minutes before he has to leave and I have to get back to Brad, and so we say goodbye and we will FaceTime again soon.

Before I head back into the living room, I sit on the bed and compose myself.

What am I doing? Why do I keep having these feelings for a man who lives across the world?

A man I have absolutely no chance of being with and yet, for some reason, wondering what it would be like if he were my boyfriend instead of Brad.

I know it’s irrational, probably doomed to failure, but I can’t help how I feel.

‘You all right?’ says Brad, appearing at the door.

‘Yeah, all good,’ I reply, walking towards him, and I kiss him.

He pulls me closer to him, and I can feel his rock-hard chest pressed against me.

We walk back towards the bed, and we fall onto it together, and I lose myself in Brad.

All six-foot two inches of hairless, tanned, muscular Brad and I forget about Ben for a moment.

Surely any woman in Sydney – with the exception of Jess – would give their right arm for a man like Brad.

I am going to enjoy this because this is good, and it is real – something my relationship with Ben can never be.