Page 21 of Wish You Were Here

Saskia

I have been on cloud nine since my date with Brad.

Obviously, the hair condom was a bit of a low point, capsizing an uncapsizable kayak wasn’t my finest hour, but going back to his flat afterwards, sleeping together sober and having the best day together afterwards, I feel a sudden positivity about my life.

That along with the Fudge Cake gig, and as my thirtieth birthday approaches, I feel like things are beginning to fall into place.

My life, which had seemed not that long ago like it was hurtling towards complete and utter disaster, is looking up.

Although there is one slightly dark cloud on the horizon and I am trying to deal with that tonight.

I am having dinner with Jess and Aaron at their flat, and I am going to tell Jess about Brad.

She also has some house news. Is tonight going to be a turning point for us as we look forward to new and exciting pathways in our future, or is it going to be the beginning of the end of our friendship?

Or am I being far too dramatic, and everything will be fine because it’s me and Jess and we always are?

I get to their flat, which is on the fifth floor of a tall block of modern flats near Darling Harbour.

It’s a small one-bed, but it’s perfectly situated, modern and with stunning views across the CBD.

It’s where they have lived for the last few years since they decided to get serious and move in together.

‘Come in,’ says Jess when I arrive. She immediately gives me a hug, and I see Aaron behind her, wearing a Sydney Swans AFL top and holding a bottle of Tooheys New.

‘Hey, Sas,’ says Aaron, and he gives me a quick hug before he offers me something to drink. ‘We’ve got wine, beer and Jess got these pre-mixed cocktail things from Coles.’

‘They were on special!’ says Jess. ‘Pina colada or Pimm’s lemonade?’

‘I’ll give Pimm’s lemonade a go,’ I reply, walking into their flat, which is as clean and tidy as always.

According to Jess, Aaron is a bit of a neat freak.

You wouldn’t know it to look at him because he’s usually dressed down in sweats and an AFL top, but when it comes to his living space, he likes everything to be in its place.

I walk into the kitchen area, which is open plan and attached to the living room, which also has a small balcony.

Aaron passes me a Pimm’s lemonade, and we all walk out onto the balcony.

It’s a beautiful warm evening, and we stand together and enjoy the view.

‘How’s things?’ says Jess. ‘Excited about the Fudge Cake gig?’ Jess was the first person I messaged about it, obviously.

‘Just a bit. Although nervous.’

‘We’ll defo be there, won’t we, Az?’

‘For sure,’ says Aaron, taking a sip of his beer. ‘Right, I have to finish up with dinner.’

‘What are we having?’ I ask.

‘Steaks, potato wedges and salad,’ says Aaron, walking back inside, leaving me and Jess alone.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I can definitely feel a bit of tension in the air between us.

Perhaps it’s just me because I know I have to tell her about Brad, or maybe it’s her news about the house, but I can feel something niggling between us.

We have known each other since the age of six, and I can count the number of arguments we’ve had on one hand.

Jess and I just get on. We’re like Vegemite and toast or fish and chips.

So, when something is a little off, I feel it deep within myself.

‘I hope you’re starving. He’s made heaps,’ says Jess, after a moment.

‘I’m pretty hungry, actually,’ I reply without telling her why.

An early morning kayak, a decent workout from sex with Brad, and I only had a small lunch because I didn’t want Brad to think I was a pig – he ordered a salad and so I ordered a salad too, despite being starving from all the water and bedroom-based activities. ‘So, what’s happening with the house?’

As soon as I ask, I see her face change, and clearly something has happened. Jess has never been very good at hiding her feelings.

‘Let’s talk about it over dinner,’ Jess says slightly uncomfortably.

‘Okaaay,’ I reply, and we both take slightly tense sips of our drinks.

Jess and I make more strange small-talk until Aaron tells us it’s time to eat. We head inside and after I wash my hands, I sit down with Jess and Aaron at their table.

‘Thanks, Aaron,’ I say, looking at my plate, which contains a large steak, potato wedges, covered in my favourite chicken salt, and there’s a bowl of salad in the middle of the table.

‘Az is a great cook,’ says Jess.

‘I’m all right. It will be better once I have a proper barbie,’ says Aaron, and Jess looks across at him, he looks back at her and something unspoken passes between them.

‘Are you going to tell me about the house now?’

‘Yeah, right,’ says Jess, and Aaron reaches across the table and holds her hand. They look at me, smile and then Jess says, ‘we put an offer in on the Avalon house and it was accepted.’

‘We’re buying the bloody house!’ says Aaron.

‘Congratulations!’ I say, and I am happy for them, I am, but I’m going to miss them.

Jess goes on to tell me that the house is near Aaron’s parents, and they were only able to afford it because it needs a lot of work, but Aaron’s brother is a tradie and can help them do everything.

It’s an old three-bed, two bath, single story house with a pool, an amazing deck with plenty of room for a barbie and you can walk to the beach in ten minutes.

Jess is so happy and it’s impossible not to be happy for them.

‘I know it’s a bit further away than you’d like, Sas, but I promise we’ll still see each other all the time,’ says Jess.

‘It’s got a great guest bedroom with your name written all over it,’ says Aaron.

‘Creepy decorating choices, but I am happy for you,’ I reply.

‘Really?’ says Jess. ‘Like really, actually happy or just saying you’re happy but inside you’re, like, really fucking mad about it.’

‘Really, really, actually happy. I promise.’

‘Told you she’d be right,’ says Aaron, and it seems like they are moving and our lives are soon going to be very different.

We start eating, Aaron and Jess talk more about the Avalon house, when they’re likely to move, and I know I have to tell them my news too.

I can see how excited Aaron is to be moving closer to his family, and how excited Jess is to be buying a house and starting the whole process, which will inevitably lead to her having kids and the big family she has always wanted.

Jess and I get another Pimm’s lemonade, and when we put our knives and forks down, I know it’s time to tell Jess about Brad.

Aaron begins clearing our plates away and I look across at Jess.

She looks so happy, I don’t want to ruin the night, but maybe she’ll be okay with it.

I know she didn’t want me sleeping with him at the wedding, but that was only to protect Caroline.

Now Brad and I are actually dating – at least, I think we’re dating – maybe she’ll be all right with it.

‘I have something to tell you, too,’ I say.

‘Oh yeah?’ says Jess brightly. ‘Is it to do with the English man?’

I take a moment, a sip of my drink and then I tell her.

‘I went on a date with Brad this morning.’

‘What?’ says Jess, her whole face dropping in shock.

‘I went on a date with—’

‘I heard you. With Brad? Az’s best man Brad? The man I told you to stay away from.’

‘Yes, that Brad.’

‘He didn’t tell me about it,’ says Aaron from the kitchen.

‘Because I told him not to,’ I say, and then Jess stands up. ‘I wanted to tell you myself.’

‘For fuck’s sake, Sas. Why?’ she says, visibly annoyed.

‘He’s not who you think he is, Jess. He’s nice and kind. He saved my life.’

‘He what?’

‘I mean, I wouldn’t have actually died. I was wearing a life-jacket, but when I capsized my kayak, he fished me out of the harbour.’

‘You capsized a kayak?’ says Aaron incredulously. ‘I didn’t think it was possible.’

‘There was a seagull, coffee, it was a whole—’

‘He’s a snake, Sas!’ says Jess. ‘He’ll fuck you over like he fucked Caroline over.’

‘That’s a bit much, Jess,’ says Aaron. ‘Look, Sas. I love Brad, he’s one of my best mates, but when it comes to women, he’s not the best.’

I stand up because I’m feeling a little small sitting down.

‘I think it’s a really bad choice,’ says Jess, and I’m suddenly feeling angry and defensive.

‘Well, it’s not your choice, Jess! You’re choosing to move away and I’m choosing to date Brad. I can be happy for you, why can’t you be happy for me?’

‘Because we’re making a good choice, Sas. Adult choices. We’re buying a fucking house and you’re shagging a man who will definitely do the dirty on you!’

‘But it’s my choice to make!’

‘Good for you, Sas. Making another bad fucking choice. What a shock!’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘You’re almost thirty. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped fucking about and started acting like a grown-up?

You’ve been chasing the dream of being a singer for what, ten years with still no success?

You still live at home with your mum, and now you’re dating a man you know will let you down.

You’re FaceTiming with a bloke who lives across the fucking world, Sas, as if he could be your boyfriend when it’s impossible.

Don’t you see? It’s like since your dad died, you’ve been doing your best not to move on, to make choices with no chance of happiness.

You’re sabotaging your life and I’m tired of watching it happen! ’

I can’t believe what Jess just said, and even Aaron looks a little shell-shocked in the kitchen.

This is what my best friend really thinks of me, and the way she just casually threw Dad into the conversation like that.

She knows how much it still hurts, how much it destroyed me and she’s using it against me and all because I’m dating a man she doesn’t like.

Jess was the person who at age twelve, when Anna Beth Collins – we used to call her ABC – challenged me to a fight after school, told ABC that she’d have to fight her too.

Jess was the person I told about my first period, my first kiss, and the person I went to after Dad died.

She held my hand at his funeral. I held her hand when she had her abortion.

She has always been there for me since primary school, and I have always been there for her – until tonight.

‘Fuck you, Jess! You have no idea what it’s like to be me!

’ I say, and I am going to storm out because what right does she have to judge me like that?

I take one last look at Jess, and I think that maybe she might realise she went too far and apologise, but she doesn’t.

She just stands there looking at me and poor Aaron looks mortified.

After a moment of intense silence, I turn around and storm out of their flat, slamming the front door behind me.

Once outside, I fall apart and begin to cry. I am heartbroken. I can’t believe how cruel Jess was, and at this moment there is only one person in the world I want to talk to about it.