Page 58 of When You Blush

But really, at the end of the day, the only thing Ineedis to spend time with him, and time isn’t something we have to give each other right now.

It makes me wonder if pursuing something with Blake is a smart idea. But then, the thought of not having him in my life makes my heart physically hurt in my chest. I know that unless he’s the one to end it, that’s not an option for me right now either.

So I guess we’ll simply keep going the way we are for the time being.

I open the texts and feel heat spread over my cheeks.

Blake: So he’s giving her sex lessons? In this book of yours?

I shift Alice onto my shoulder so I can burp her and type out a response.

Me: Says who?

Biting my lip, I wait while the little bubbles bounce, and Blake replies to my message.

Blake: I found your paperback on my couch where you left it the other night, and it seems I’m getting an education along with the female character.

Yeah, like Blake needs any advanced education on sex. The man could teach his own college courses on the subject. When I realized I left the book behind, I downloaded it on my reading device so I could keep going.

It’s fuckingamazing.

I snort and set my phone aside to finish up with little Alice, get her comfortable in her crib, then move on to make my rounds and check in with everyone else.

Jamison’s mom is rocking him, skin to skin, and she’s silently crying to herself, so I squat next to her and lay my hand on hers.

“Hey, Naomie,” I say softly. “Is there something I can do?”

“No.” She wipes at her tears, and I stand to get her a box of tissues, which she accepts. “No, it’s just hard. I hate that I can’t be up here more often with him. He deserves to have me with him all day, every day, but I have two other kids and a full-time job.”

“You’re doing the best you can.”

She shakes her head and just looks so damn sad.

“My best isn’t good enough. I’m a single mom, not by choice. And I already have so much going on at home. I think I have to give Jamison up, and it kills me, but Iknowin my heart that it’s the right thing to do for him.”

I blink quickly, completely blindsided by this conversation. “Naomie, this is a huge decision. I can arrange for you to speak with the hospital’s counselors again and?—”

“I’ve been through it until I’m sick to my stomach,” she replies, taking a long, deep breath. “And the only time that I’m even remotely relieved or feel better is when I picture him with a family who can take care of him. We don’t know what kind of medical needs he’s going to have long term. I don’t even have insurance. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for his hospital stay.”

She starts to cry again and reaches out for my hand with her free one.

“I love him. I love himso much, but Harper, I think I have to love him enough to do what’s right for him. And I’m not going to lie, for me, too. And for my other two kids. I don’t have a big family. I don’t have help. I can’t do this by myself. I thought I could, but I didn’t expect him to be born so early, and it’s just too much. I know that makes me a bad person and a horrible mom, but?—”

“Listen to me right now.” I hold her hand a little tighter, and her eyes find mine, swimming with tears and despair. “You arenota bad person or a horrible mother. You’re being realistic about what you’re capable of, Naomie. You’re thinking ofallof yourchildren and taking into consideration what their needs are. I think you’re an incredibly strong woman. I also urge you to spend one more session with a counselor to make certain that this is right for you. To make sure that it’s not exhaustion or fear talking. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”

Jamison makes a little squeaky noise, and Naomie smiles down at him.

“I know. Thanks for letting me talk for a bit. I’ll talk with the counselor and my doctor, but I think I’ve made up my mind, Harper.”

She checks the time on her phone.

“Shit, I have to get home to put the kids to bed. My sitter has to go.”

“I’ll take him.” Naomie transfers Jamison into my arms. She kisses his sweet head before she gathers her things and smiles at me.

“Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome. Will I see you tomorrow?”