Page 11 of What Would Dolly Do?

I arrived back at my flat much later that evening after an uneventful shift at Sonny’s.

After everything that had happened recently, uneventful was good.

Uneventful I liked. Donald and I had split the work, serving a steady trickle of customers until around 9 p.m. when he suggested I get off and he would cover the last couple of hours.

Donald hadn’t said much all night. Nothing too unusual there, but I was grateful to him for the offer to close up.

It felt like he was trying to show there were no hard feelings, although I might have been reading too much into it.

No matter, I appreciated the gesture and didn’t take much persuading to head home.

The early escape was a good way to end what had been a pretty strange day.

Not the only strange day I’d had recently but it had eventually turned into one of the nicest, I had to admit.

The threat of prosecution was no longer hanging over me and I was glad I’d taken the plunge and decided to visit Gordon and Morag.

I’d thought I needed to get some answers from them, find out more about Guy Grayson’s motives but I realised now their goodwill had been more valuable to me than answers.

Even though I hadn’t received any sort of explanation or insight into the workings of their son’s crazy mind I really did feel more positive and cheerful for having seen them.

Back at the flat I headed straight to the kitchen to make myself some tea and toast. Eating so much cake late in the afternoon meant I hadn’t been hungry before, but now I was ravenous.

While I waited for the kettle to boil I turned to the pink gift bag Morag had given me that was sitting on the kitchen counter. I remembered Morag saying she’d thought of me as soon as she’d seen it. Whatever could it be?

I dug down into the tissue stuffed into the bag until my fingers found something cold and smooth.

I fished it out – a mug – but not any old mug.

It was white with a picture of a pair of sparkly pink cowboy boots printed on both sides, above the boots was a slogan in fancy Western-style lettering that read ‘What Would Dolly Do?’ I was grinning from ear to ear. Bless Morag’s heart, I loved it.

I christened the new mug by pouring tea into it and stood at the kitchen counter polishing off a second slice of hot buttered toast as a thought started swirling inside my mind.

I’d always thought of my Dolly quotes as mantras, as inspiration …

but not as actual instructions. Perhaps that was where I’d been going wrong.

What would Dolly do? Was it bonkers to wonder?

She’d always been my idol, why couldn’t she by my guide, too?

I definitely seemed to need one. Dolly’s chutzpah and resilience were qualities I not only admired but would love to possess, if only I could have her confidence and sunny disposition, neither of which appeared to be fitted as standard in my particular case.

Dolly had gone from a dirt-poor home in the Smokey Mountains to being one of the most successful recording artists of all time.

She was a feminist on her own terms, running her career and business the way she wanted to; presenting herself with big hair, big boobs and an even bigger brain that proved she was no dumb blonde.

No wonder I felt even occasionally dressing up as Dolly gave me a lift: it was like being able to tap into some sort of superpower.

As I continued to contemplate the question of what the real Dolly Parton would do if she were me, I wandered into the spare bedroom and looked at the pile of discarded costumes heaped on the bed in there.

I’d felt wretched and ridiculous when I’d wrenched each colourful diamanté-encrusted piece from its hanger and flung it into the haphazard rainbow mountain that now loomed before me.

It was done in a fit of anger and self-pity.

With Robbie gone the thought of carrying on performing in pubs, clubs and at private parties on my own seemed too daunting.

But would Dolly Parton have ever given in because she’d been let down by a man?

No Siree! In fact, I knew she’d done the very opposite, breaking away from the country music legend Porter Waggoner who had taken her under his wing at the start of her career.

All the hours I’d spent reading about her life, watching old interviews and listening to the songs meant I knew the facts of Dolly’s story well.

But, I realised, it was how I felt when I sang them that taught me something more – I could feel some of her fire and her steel.

I didn’t have to only ask what would Dolly do, I could also draw inspiration from what Dolly really did do.

The Waggoner story was incredible. Porter Waggoner was a huge American music star and Dolly was a regular on his show in the seventies but came to the realisation that she needed to forge her own path.

Inspired by the turmoil she felt from having to tell her good friend she was leaving his show she’d written the million-selling hit song ‘I Will Always Love You’ for him.

It was a classy way to deal with a difficult situation.

Now, I might not be about to sit down and write a solid-gold classic song but I could take a leaf out of Dolly’s book and work out if I should – or even if I could – go it alone.

As if that wasn’t inspirational enough, Dolly the one-woman hit factory also wrote her most famous song, ‘Jolene’, on the very same day, in the very same writing session. What a woman.

I reached for a white leather waistcoat covered in tassels and rhinestones and held it up, looking at myself in the mirror with just a touch of Dolly between me and my reflection.

Was Morag right? Was I wrong to give up on being Dolly …

was I throwing away a dream if I got rid of all the wigs and costumes?

Or did Gordon have a point? Could I really be good enough to make a go of it as a singer if I just gave myself a chance?

Right now, I was struggling with the idea of performing at all – as Dolly or as Becky Mooney.

Although, to tell the truth, I’d struggled with that last one for years, which was why finding I had the ability to morph into Dolly Parton had been the perfect way to carry on with any sort of showbiz career after I stopped performing with Mum and Dad in the Moonshine Trio.

Dolly had come riding to my rescue by letting me hide behind her larger than life persona.

Without Dolly I knew I would have jacked in performing altogether and given up on any chance of using my voice.

I knew I could sing well enough, but that knowledge hadn’t been enough to give me the confidence I needed to face an audience as plain old Becky Mooney.

It had been lovely to hear some praise from Gordon for my singing.

It had given me an extra smidgen of self-worth and a bit of a boost, but I knew I didn’t have either the confidence or the image to be a solo performer in my own right.

I just didn’t. It would be foolish to over-estimate my own abilities.

I’d never done that and I didn’t believe I should start now.

But was I ready to give up a life on stage altogether?

If I were to chuck out all of my Dolly wardrobe and my chance to live vicariously as her every once in a while, was I throwing the baby out with the bath water?

Piece by piece I began to rehang the glittery, gaudy garments back onto their hangers.

Little by little bringing the Dolly side of me back to life.

It felt good. So what if I’d lost my Kenny?

I decided. I would carry on in my own way, with a solo Dolly Parton tribute act.

I didn’t need Robbie, just like Dolly had realised she didn’t need Porter Waggoner.

I could go it alone. I just needed a booking or two to prove it to myself.

As I was thinking through all the venues I’d played as a double act, wondering if I should ring them to try to drum up a gig, the penny dropped.

I didn’t have to spend hours finding venues. I had my own.

It was only a few days until the open auditions I’d organised to draw some new performers to Sonny’s Bar.

There would be singers, comedians, magicians, and an audience to judge the contestants.

Or at least I hoped there would. I would put my hat in the ring and let the crowd decide if my show should go on.

It would be the perfect place to showcase my new solo act and let the world (or at least this little corner of it) know that Edinburgh’s very own Dolly was back in business and wasn’t going to let anything or anyone stand in her way.

Yes, I decided, that’s what Dolly would do!