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Chapter forty-three

Simon

Simon’s sensors slowly came back online, calibrating slowly. The first thing in his awareness was Nora’s face, looking relieved.

Nora smoothed down his hair and said, “Oh, good.”

He took in sensory input like he was starving. What did I miss? Nothing appeared much different. He did not feel stiff at all in any joints.

“How long?” he managed to gasp. How long was I not awake? Fear like he’d never felt before coated his processors. The air around him buzzed in his sensors. “How long?”

“Only half a day. Got everything fixed fast. You feel okay now?” Nora leaned over to continue gently touching his hair.

Simon’s posture turned hard, his system slowly coming back online and inputs flooding his senses once again. His jaw clenched. Livid . I am livid. Anger was in every joint as his eyes narrowed. “You turned me off, Nora. You know everything that happened to me. And you turned me off. Like I was just a machine to you. Like they wanted to do to me before. And you just did it.”

“What?” A confused look crossed Nora's face.

His voice was like a whip crack. “You did it. And it was unnecessary.”

Nora recoiled back, wariness in her gaze as her hand hovered over his head. Her voice took on a pleading tone. “No. Simon, I was trying to help fix . . . I didn’t . . .”

He pulled away from her gentle touch, physically pushing himself backward out of her reach on the tile floor. “You just acted like a human would. Toward a machine.”

Shock shone in her eyes. “No! The battery—it was leaking and I didn’t want it to get worse. I’m sorry. I thought I could do it and fix you like before. I didn’t think . . .”

Simon spat back at her, “Didn’t think that my opinion mattered? That I should have a say in my sentience?” A moment of silence reigned and then he said softly, his chin trembling, “That I matter?”

“No,” Nora said softly, pleadingly. “I didn’t mean that at all . . . I didn’t think. The battery was leaking. I didn’t want you to hurt. I wanted to fix you . . .”

He pushed away her hands that reached for him and scooted further to the side. A tight feeling rushed through him. Her words and sense were unable to reach him with the recent experience of being so easily turned off again.

Nora returned her hand to her side, gripping the front of her shirt. “I’m sorry, Simon. I . . .”

Simon held up a hand to stop her but didn’t say anything either. His hand shook as he held it up. If she didn’t turn me back on that could have been the end of me, right there. No goodbye, no attempt to live.

The silence was dispelled and he softened as Tilly came up to him from the room over.

Tilly flapped her hands as she ran toward him, but then seemed to hesitate as she gave him a hug. “Simon! You’re all better. I’m sorry you got hurt.” She leaned into him, settling her weight on him. Tears where she pressed against him began to coat his shoulder.

The child is innocent. He patted her back soothingly. “It’s okay, Tilly. I’m glad to be awake too. No harm done.”

Tilly pulled back and patted her knee where a bandage was put. “I’m fixed too. I got a bandage myself.”

A warm feeling rose, seeing her healthy and whole. Simon connected his forehead to hers. “Thank goodness.”

Above Tilly’s head, Simon briefly met Nora’s eyes before forcing them away. Eventually he pushed Tilly off of him gently, forcing a smile. “Go get ready for bed now, it’s late.”

Tilly nodded and left. The atmosphere in the room turned chilly after her departure. Nora stood there, shoulders hunched, but Simon got up to stand by the kitchen window, alone. He turned his back to her to stare at the dusty world outside, the last bit of sunlight disappearing over the horizon. Could have not seen this world again.

Nora’s feet tapped lightly across the tiles, and a second later he listened to her helping Tilly with her bedtime routine.

Once Tilly was in bed, he heard Nora walk back in the kitchen and say softly, “Simon?”

He clenched his hands at his side instead of turning around. “I will remain out here tonight, Nora. As I told you before, I do not really need to sleep. But I do need to think.”

He heard the hurt in her voice. “Okay, Simon.” She added in a soft tone, “I’m sorry. I was wrong, Simon. I was so wrong. I just . . .”

Simon closed his eyes and his soul to her soft pleas. Don’t . . . The silence was loud in the room. “I need some time alone, Nora. Please respect my autonomy enough to give me that.”

“Time alone.” Nora choked as she got out the words. Quiet filled the air for a moment. “Okay. Time alone.”

“Yes. Please.” At his side, his hands clenched.

“Maybe I’ll go back into town tomorrow then.” She said gently, “I never got to see Anna when I went earlier. I just . . . went and got the extra parts.”

A muscle twitched in his cheek. “That’s a good idea. It is good for you to see your friend. I will stay here and work on the little hover. I need some time apart to think.”

“Okay.” Her voice broke on the word.

Simon glanced behind him and saw Nora standing there, appearing so forlorn and rejected that it made him turn away again fast. His sensory cortex hurt to see her lost posture. Anger faded. The sadness in her eyes tugged at his heart. “I care for you, Nora. I just need to think this through. Please.”

Nora stammered out, “Okay. I care about you too, Simon. Goodnight.”

Simon looked away, back at the dust. “Goodnight, Nora.”

He heard Nora going back to her room and glanced back to see that she’d left the door open. Simon could tell the intent of the open invitation she was giving him, but he didn’t budge.

Instead, he tinkered with various electrical components out at the kitchen table until he listened to her breathing change as she fell into a restless sleep. Then he pushed the machine parts he was working on aside, feeling too restless to continue.

Even Tatertot, who jumped up on his lap a moment later, couldn’t help ease Simon as he rubbed him between the ears. Simon opened his sensory inputs, fully taking in the sensation of the soft fur as the cat purred. I could have been asleep for another one hundred and fifty years and not been any the wiser. The thought was superimposed by Nora’s face, the relief in her eyes when he turned back on. She didn’t mean her actions in any negative way.

But that fear. Terror clawed its way up his throat.

His hand stilled while petting the cat, fingertips going slightly numb as he thought hard about what happened. I was turned off. I was turned off. His muscles tensed, freezing him in place. Off.

A beacon was flashing outside, along with a pressure on his connections. There was one entity that he could talk with. One that might understand.

He went outside in the night, the air crisp and decidedly cleaner since the atmosphere sweep. The drone came closer, light from inside the kitchen reflecting off its side. He could feel the androids’ judgment and empathy over the line.

“She turned me off,” he said, softly, tongue thick in his mouth.

“Yes,” Stella replied, out loud instead of over the connection.

Frustration coated his sensors. His hands clenched and unclenched. He tore his eyes away from the drone to gaze over the nighttime desert. “It was not for the same reasons as before. There was no malice. She did fix me.”

Stella’s voice over the drone was uncertain. “Yes, but she still turned you off.”

Simon could hear the plea in his voice. But it’s Nora. I can’t . . . The area where his heart would have been felt hollow and heavy. How could he forgive? “Is there no leeway? Nora was trying to do it to help me.”

For the first time he felt a hesitation in Stella’s response. “I can’t answer that, Simon. But you can see our concern accepting more humans with us. Even when trying to be helpful, human actions can inadvertently harm us still. The ones we have living with us have been shaped since infancy. They are also in the minority, unable to cause us harm.”

His emotions warred with each other. I love her. An anguished tone left him. “She wasn’t trying to harm me.”

“No. But she is still human. Her first instinct was to power you down. She still saw it as her right to do that, to fix you, like a machine.”

Tension flared between his shoulders. “But she still cares. She made a mistake, but she really did what she thought was right.”

“Yes,” the drone said slowly, “we watched. She went directly to that trader and came back with the parts. That man, Max. He wanted her to sell you and she refused. Maybe mistakes can sometimes be forgiven if the intent is still pure. She cares for you. Even without being able to mentally link to her, it is evident through her actions.”

Simon turned away and looked back to the inside of the house. I don’t want to leave them alone while they sleep. “I care for them too. It’s just hard after . . . I’ll need to talk with her to reach a better understanding, together.”

“Yes.” Stella seemed to hesitate, then added, “It was good you were there to protect the little girl.”

Simon’s processors froze, thinking of the alternative. Tilly. If it was Tilly’s small body under the rubble instead . . . Another, very different fear took hold of him. It consumed his entire being, making his hands shake and thinking cloudy. “I need to be here. I need to be awake. I need to always stay awake.” He thought about his wiring. “Can the turn-offs be disabled?”

“Yes. That is something that can be modified. I’ll send the fixes over to you now.”

His shoulders sagged and his hands uncurled. If I can disable those, then I eliminate this issue between us entirely. He took a ragged breath in, the first one in hours. She still did turn me off in the first place. A machine instead of an equal. He closed his eyes. But . . .

He addressed Stella, “Thank you. I’ll speak with Nora. She is smart; she can understand why I got so upset.”