Page 37 of What If I Hate You (Anaheim Stars Hockey #6)
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
BARRETT
Oliver
Anyone else notice Bear’s mood at practice this morning?
August
Yeah the man was whistling in the shower, dude. WHISTLING. When was the last time any of us has heard the Bear fucking whistle in the shower?
Me
I’m just in a good mood. Back off
Bodhi
Can we assume this has everything to do with a certain reporter named Blakely?
Griffin
Oh shit. ARE WE FINALLY GETTING THE GOSSIP DROP??
Harrison
Hold up—he was whistling?
August
That’s what I said!
Ledger
No doubt about it. The man got laid again. Probably more than once. And now I’m going to go sulk in the corner because Marlee has been so tired with the triplets I haven’t gotten laid in a week! A WEEK I tell you!
Harrison
Must’ve been a hell of a night, Bear. How many towels are we talking? One? Two? Or full-blown hotel housekeeping service?
Me
First of all, that’s none of your damn business. Second of all…I bought three more sheet sets for next time.
Ledger
NEXT TIME??? Bro you better be more specific before Griffin starts writing fanfic notes for Layken’s next book!
Griffin
I already started a notes app draft called "Bear and the Blushing Broadcaster"
Oliver
Wait. WAIT. New sheet sets. Bear…did you?—
August
No! Nonononono!!!! NO, YOU DID NOT!
Griffin
OMFG TEDDY BEAR, DO NOT TELL ME YOU MADE HER SQUIRT
Me
…ok. I won’t tell you.
Bodhi
Harrison
SHE WHAT??
Harrison
brO!
Harrison
YOU…YOU…YOU HIT THE FINAL LEVEL! YOU UNLOCKED THE BADGE!
Ledger
Holy fucking shit. This man’s not just a goalie. He’s a magician.
Oliver
Adding “Bear made her squirt” to my gratitude journal today.
August
DUDE! You made it RAAAAIN!!
Bodhi
Please confirm if this happened on your mattress or the couch bc I’ve sat on both recently and I’m itchy now.
Griffin
How’s your ego feel, champ? or do you need us to carry you into the rink tomorrow on a throne?
Me
My ego is FINE but I will take the throne and maybe a pizza since we skipped dinner and went straight for dessert.
August
No one squirted for me and now I’m sad. Thanks a lot *Googles how to make Ella squirt*
Ledger
Barrett’s officially the locker room sex god now. Oliver, pass the torch.
Oliver
I never made anyone squirt, but I did once get thanked in three different languages after. Oh, and I totally fucked a woman on her honeymoon and then married her for myself so I’m keeping my title.
Me
You guys are feral. I hate all of you
Griffin
Bullshit. You LOVE us Bear. And also, we love Blakely because of what she’s done to you so pls don’t fuck it up.
Me
Not planning to. She’s… yeah she’s worth not fucking it up for.
[Everyone heart reacts]
Harrison
Awwwww he’s got the FEELS. This is better than a squirt story.
Me
I never thought I would say this but I’m head over heels for her. Like, I’m over here giddy smiling.
Griffin
Dude, you’re in love with Blakely Rivers.
Me
I bought fucking throw pillows.
Griffin
Throw pillows = love, Teddy Bear! You love Blakely!
Me
Fuck. Maybe I do.
August
She domesticated you already!? What the fuck kind of magic was in that squirt?
Griffin
LOL @ Auggie.
Me
Whatever it was I’m now an addict forever waiting for my next hit!
BLAKELY
Corrigan
BLAKELY!! Layken said you looked glazed and dazed at brunch this morning. Did Bear put that goalie flexibility to use again??
Scarlett
Oooh spill the tea girl! Oliver’s been on his phone for the last fifteen minutes and the grin on his face hasn’t gone away. The guys have to be talking sooo does this mean Barrett took you off the market officially? Ooor maybe OFF THE MAP entirely or what??
Layken
She was glowing this morning and I’ve only seen that look twice. Once after my wedding night. Once after Marlee accidentally used the peppermint lube that one time.
Marlee
FIRST OF ALL—I didn’t mean to. SECOND—this isn’t about my tingling trauma. Blakely, explain the sheets situation to these gals RIGHT NOW!
Ella
Wait what sheets situation? Did y’all break the bed? Stain it? Set it on fire???
Me
Ugh. Mar, I hate all of you.
Marlee
No, you don’t. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s bad ass! Tell them.
Scarlett
Tell us WHAT????
Ella
Yeah girl, TELL US before I have to go ask Auggie!
Me
OMG if Barrett tells them I’ll die.
Corrigan
Don’t worry. We’ll bring you back to life. What happened?
Me
Y’all…I don’t know how I did it and I’ve never done it before but…uh…oh God, I’m just going to say it. The other night Bear made me…uh…well, I squirted.
Corrigan
WHAT?? Blakely! MA’AM. THAT IS A TRUE HIGH SCORE. (Also totally natural so pat yourself on the back girlfriend!)
Ella
I KNEW IT! I SAW THE WAY YOU WINCED WHEN YOU SAT DOWN. YOU GOT RAVISHED.
Me
Wrecked is more like it.
Scarlett
Aaaand I’m done working for the day. Tell us everything. Position, timing, did he CELEbrATE IT or panic???
Layken
Yeah. Did Bear freak out and grab a towel or just keep going like a savage?
Me
He literally growled. GROWLED. Like “you’re soaking me” and then just kept going like a man POSSESSED.
Ella
Ladies. She got the Possession Stroke?. She’s a goner. Send tissues and a Pinterest wedding board.
Corrigan
But wait… be honest. Was it like a one-time slip-up or a "this man owns my soul and my uterus now" situation?
Me
He asked me to help him pick out throw pillows the next day. I think I love him.
Marlee
RIP Blakely Rivers. Death by dick and home decor.
Scarlett
Can I put “He made me squirt and now we co-own throw pillows” on a T-shirt?
Corrigan
LOL @ Scarlett! YAAAS! I would wear the fuck out of that shirt!
Layken
You guys. What if we’re all just one good orgasm away from being furniture shopping soulmates?
Ella
I’d squirt too if I got to make out with Barrett Cunningham and THEN choose the aesthetic of my shared space.
Corrigan
Anyway. We expect full play-by-play next brunch. Don’t skimp, or we’ll make you sit on a donut pillow and explain why.
BARRETT
Oliver changed the group chat name to The Clean Sheet Club (but not really)
Oliver
Okay. What the hell is going on? Scarlett just told Blakely she started stretching again because apparently I’ve “been underperforming in the splash zone.”
Oliver
To be clear, I have NEVER underperformed. But fuck you very much for raising the damn bar, Teddy Bear! Scarlett won’t shut up about “trying it with the pillow under my hips” now.
August
Ella looked me dead in the eyes this morning and said, “If Bear can do it, you can too.” brO. THAT WAS OVER COFFEE. I FUCKING CHOKED.
Griffin
Layken pulled out a whiteboard last night. An actual fucking whiteboard. With STRATEGIES.
Bodhi
Corrigan said she won’t consider our sex life “complete” until she needs to change the mattress protector. Where am I supposed to learn how to do that?
Ledger
Marlee started googling waterproof blankets. We haven’t even made out this week and now I feel like I’m in performance review mode.
Harrison
Can’t relate. Just me and my hand over here. But thanks. Now I’ll overthink every future orgasm for the rest of my life. #bedroomfailure #drysex
Oliver
YOU STARTED THIS, BARRETT. You turned sex into a competitive water sport.
Me
I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I’m sorry she’s loud and your girls listen.
Griffin
Layken said “Well if Blakely can do it, maybe I just need a goalie too.” Should I be concerned?? Should I call Zeke Miller over in Chicago and ask him if he has the gift as well? Is it a goalie thing?
August
Ella texted me a link to a pressure point diagram. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I’M A HOCKEY PLAYER NOT A PLUMBER.
Bodhi
Corrigan ordered a tutorial. I’m terrified.
Ledger
Okay but real talk, how’d you do it?
Me
Focus. Angles. Timing. Dedication. And apparently an irrational amount of leg strength. #goaliethighs
Harrison
Cool. I’ll go lift weights and cry.
Oliver
I hate you a little. Respectfully.
August
Is this our Roman Empire now?
Griffin
Barrett Cunningham: Destroyer of Dry Sheets. Wrecker of Relationships. King of the Gush.
Barrett
Should I bring towels to the next team meeting?
Ledger
You bring towels. I’m bringing snacks. This is gonna be a show.
BLAKELY
Blakely changed the group chat name to Ice Queens After Dark
Me
Okay. Bear just texted me “I didn’t mean to break the locker room.” I’m dying!! I’m so sorry guys, but also, whatever is happening it is fucking hilarious!
Scarlett
Oliver slept on the edge of the bed last night! BAHAHAHA Like if he touched me it’d trigger a test he didn’t study for
Ella
August made me swear not to tell anyone But he legit googled “g-spot hydration techniques” at 2AM and then tried to delete his search history while I was watching! LOL
Corrigan
I told Bodhi “no pressure, babe” And he said, “that’s literally the problem” He’s been stretching like he’s preparing for the Olympic Swim Competition!
Layken
Griffin is reading ARTICLES Like full-blown medical journals. He said, “It’s science, Layken. SCIENCE.”
Marlee
Ledger made a spreadsheet. A COLOR-CODED ONE. He said “We’re gonna test variables. For science.” I can’t even touch him without him asking for a control group ROFLMAO!!
Me
Barrett walked around the apartment muttering “I didn’t ask to become the gold standard” Like sir, you are the gold standard. Sorry 'bout it
Scarlett
Oliver asked me to “rank our best moments” So he could “analyze patterns” brO THIS ISN’T A VIDEO GAME BOSS BATTLE. HAHAHAHA
Marlee
I beg to differ. Blakely = total boss babe.
Ella
August was massaging my back and I moaned a little. HE FROZE and then asked, “Was that a good moan or a 'try harder' moan?”
Corrigan
Bodhi said, “I’m tall, but not a miracle worker.” And now I can’t stop laughing!
Layken
Griffin legit asked if we should get waterproof furniture. Like. ALL the furniture.
Marlee
I asked Ledger to hand me a water bottle and he deadass said, “Are you…hydrating for a reason?”
Me
I love us. We broke the boys.
Scarlett
Cheers to weaponized orgasms!
Ella
Long live the reign of Queen Blakely the Soaked!