Page 50 of We Were Liars

MIRREN HAS BEEN getting ill more and more often. She gets up late, paints her nails, lies in the sun, and stares at pictures of African landscapes in a big coffee-table book. But she won’t snorkel. Won’t sail. Won’t play tennis or go to Edgartown.

I bring her jelly beans from New Clairmont. Mirren loves jelly beans.

Today, she and I lie out on the tiny beach. We read magazines I stole from the twins and eat baby carrots. Mirren has headphones on. She keeps listening to the same song over and over on my iPhone.

Our youth is wasted

We will not waste it

Remember my name

’Cause we made history

Na na na na, na na na

I POKE MIRREN with a carrot.

“What?”

“You have to stop singing or I can’t be responsible for my actions.”

Mirren turns to me, serious. Pulls out the ear buds. “Can I tell you something, Cady?”

“Sure.”

“About you and Gat. I heard you two come downstairs last night.”

“So?”

“I think you should leave him alone.”

“What?”

“It’s going to end badly and mess everything up.”

“I love him,” I say. “You know I’ve always loved him.”

“You’re making things hard for him. Harder than they already are. You’re going to hurt him.”

“That’s not true. He’ll probably hurt me.”

“Well, that could happen, too. It’s not a good idea for you guys to be together.”

“Don’t you see I would rather be hurt by Gat than be closed off from him?

” I say, sitting up. “I’d a million times rather live and risk and have it all end badly than stay in the box I’ve been in for the past two years.

It’s a tiny box, Mirren. Me and Mummy. Me and my pills.

Me and my pain. I don’t want to live there anymore. ”

A silence hangs in the air.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Mirren blurts.

I look into her eyes. There are tears. “What about Drake Loggerhead? What about the yellow roses and the sexual intercourse?” I ask.

She looks down. “I lied.”

“Why?”

“You know how, when you come to Beechwood, it’s a different world? You don’t have to be who you are back home. You can be somebody better, maybe.”

I nod.

“That first day you came back I noticed Gat. He looked at you like you were the brightest planet in the galaxy.”

“He did?”

“I want someone to look at me that way so much, Cady. So much. And I didn’t mean to, but I found myself lying. I’m sorry.”

I don’t know what to say. I take a deep breath.

Mirren snaps. “Don’t gasp. Okay? It’s fine. It’s fine if I never have a boyfriend at all. It’s fine if not one person ever loves me, all right? It’s perfectly tolerable.”

Mummy’s voice calls from somewhere by New Clairmont. “Cadence! Can you hear me?”

I yell back. “What do you want?”

“The cook is off today. I’m starting lunch. Come slice tomatoes.”

“In a minute.” I sigh and look at Mirren. “I have to go.”

She doesn’t answer. I pull my hoodie on and trudge up the path to New Clairmont.

In the kitchen, Mummy hands me a special tomato knife and starts to talk.

Natter natter, you’re always on the tiny beach.

Natter natter, you should play with the littles.

Granddad won’t be here forever.

Do you know you have a sunburn?

I slice and slice, a basketful of strangely shaped heirloom tomatoes. They are yellow, green, and smoky red.