Page 59 of Wanting What’s Wrong

Nine

Cade

“ T ell her.” Mom stares at me over the top of her glasses.

“Mom—” I struggle with the thousand-year-old coffee maker making the second pot of the morning.

Lennie is still asleep and it’s nearing ten AM but I’ve never been able to sleep more than a few hours a night.

So, even though I fucked her unconscious after our prom night, I was still up at the crack ass of dawn.

Mom points a finger. “ Tell. Her. ”

I don’t even bother trying to deny what I feel for Lennie. What’s the point? Mom knows me too well. “It’s not that easy. She knows, but I made promises. I should be her protector, not—”

“Not Lennie,” she says, shaking her head like she’s explaining to a child. “ Lilith . Tell her what’s going on. Lay it all out on the table. You’ll feel better for it.”

I stare at her, narrowing my eyes, confusion whipping around in my head. I open my mouth to say something, but I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about.

“Don’t look at me like that, Cade Jamison. I’m not crazy. I know Lilith is no longer with us.”

“Then…”

“Don’t interrupt. I liked her, loved her, in fact.

But you couldn’t pretend with me. I knew there was nothing between you but friendship.

But with Lennie? That’s different. That’s love.

” She takes a sip of her tea and watches me for a moment.

“I was twenty-six, married and living here with your father, when my brother died. The last time I saw Leo, we had a massive falling out. I said things I regretted, and I couldn’t take them back because he was gone. So you know what I did?”

I shake my head. She’s never told me this story. Of course, I knew Uncle Leo was dead, but I had no idea there was anything but love between them.

“I wrote him a letter. Put down all the things I wanted to say and couldn’t. Then I put that letter into the fire and watched the ashes take my message away. And I felt him there when I did it. I felt his arm around me, telling me he understood. Apologizing and moving on.”

I draw a breath. “You think I should write a letter to Lilith, telling her I’m sorry I’m fu--, I mean, I’m starting a relationship with her daughter?”

She nods, a twinkle in her eye. “That or pray, but you’ve never been the praying kind.”

She tries to stifle a smirk, but it comes anyway, and then she starts to laugh.

And I laugh with her and it feels fucking good.

Mom was right.

Writing the letter was fucking hard. But now that’s it’s out, I do feel like she’s with me in a way.

It took me about an hour to get it down and I checked on Lennie a few minutes ago and she was still sawing logs looking cute as ever between my Star Wars sheets wearing an old Stone Temple Pilots t-shirt she found in my closet.

I left her to her dreams, making it back to the living room with the letter and a pack of matches.

“I’m sorry for betraying your trust,” I say, reading the last paragraph more to myself than anything else.

“We can’t choose who we fall in love with.

And if I could, I’d still choose Lennie because she’s perfect.

She’s everything. I hope you can forgive me wherever you are; but either way, I have to do this.

I have to take this all the way to the happy ending—having each other for real.

Forever. Things aren’t going to be easy, but we’ll make it work.

And a part of that is telling her all about us.

About what we were to each other. And I know I promised to take care of her forever, so that promise I will keep. ”

I blow out a breath and fold the letter. Funny to think that this is the same fireplace Mom threw her own letter into all those years ago.

“Lilith, I hope you’ll forgive me.” Just when I’m about to throw the letter into the fire, my phone rings.

It’s a special ringtone I set up, and even the letter has to wait until I take this call.

I set the folded paper on the little table to my left, stepping toward the window looking out to the front pasture and answer.

“Mr. Jamison?” It’s the forensic investigator I hired to get the info off the thumb drive. I’ve been waiting to see what they found.

“Yeah, what have you got?”

“Straight to business, I like that.” He clears his throat.

“Part of the video was deleted as you suspected. All the other footage from that night deleted as you indicated, except this thumb drive, which means whatever happened that night was planned. It’s been cut to make it look like the young lady set the fire, or was at least responsible for it in a misadventure, but we’ve managed to recover a section that was all static and distortion. It tells a very different story.”

“And?”

“The cameras catch a man coming in after she’s left.

That’s when the fire starts. I’m afraid there’s no doubt that he was the one that set the fire.

And it was deliberate, though obviously, we can’t tell his motivations for doing so.

Or, why Lennie was set up. We are working on having the footage enhanced so his face is clearer.

You most likely would recognize him if he was at your home that night. ”

Fuck.

I’m pretty fucking sure who it is on that video. I had some interesting messages from someone the day after the news broke about my marriage to Lilith. And as for his motivations, I’m pretty sure I know exactly what they are too. And his whole shitty family.

“Would you be willing to testify to that in court?”

“That’s what you’re paying us for.”

“Email me everything. Right now.”

“Of course. I just wanted to give you the news in person first.”

“Thanks.” I end the call, then turn, wanting to finish with this letter and get back to Lennie.

But, she’s already here, reading what I wrote.

When did she come in? How much has she read?

Her eyes snap to mine, and she jumps as if she’s surprised to see me here, even though I’ve been standing here the whole time. Her fingers tremble as she puts down the pages.

“Cade, I…”

“Baby, I didn’t mean for you to read that. I was going to throw it in the fire. It was just something Mom told me to do, to get everything out in the open with your mother, and—”

“My mom,” she says, nodding. “The letter says you’re going to tell me how things were between you. What does that mean?”

I draw a breath. Jesus .

I didn’t want to do it like this. I was going to take her somewhere peaceful, have everything planned but it’s time to fucking punt.

I kneel and take her hands. I know she wants this as much as I do, but if she feels guilty or that she’s betraying her mother, she’ll run.

“Baby, I have to tell you something your mom made me promise never to tell you. She said it would break your heart, that you were too sensitive to understand.”

“You loved each other,” she says with tears in her eyes. I can feel her pulling away from me, and I squeeze her hands hard.

I shake my head. Then nod. “We loved each other, but we weren’t in love with each other. Your mom was a good friend who turned into a best friend.”

“What about Davis? He’s your best friend you said.” She frowns.

I chuckle. “Yes, her and Davis. But in different ways. But I wasn’t in love with her any more than I’m in love with him.

Our whole marriage…” I draw a breath, hating myself for shattering her illusions about love and happiness but hoping I can help her build new ones.

“Our whole marriage was a legally binding agreement, with clauses and conditions. We laid everything out in a contract up front and we both signed it.” I hold up a hand and count off the most important ones on my fingers.

“No sleeping together. No sharing a bed. Kisses are to be no more than a peck. Hugging only in public, for the sake of the cameras.”

“What about me?” She narrows her eyes. “Was I in that contract?”

“You were the best thing about that marriage,” I tell her.

“Getting to know you made me a better person. And when your mom died, I promised to keep you safe and never to ruin your idea of what love could be. But I can’t do it any longer, because I love you .

I’m in love with you. And to have you in my life, I have to tell you the truth; otherwise, you’ll never forgive yourself. ”

“I… I don’t know what to say. It was all a sham?”

I shake my head. “Our marriage wasn’t real, but our friendship was. Your mom knew I loved you, and that I’d take care of you. She just didn’t know what form that would take.”

“Do you think she’d be happy for us?”

I hesitate. I can’t lie to Lennie, not about that.

But with the letter quietly turning to ash, I hear Lilith’s voice. Something she said to me on our wedding day, when we had everyone fooled and we went back to our separate, adjoining rooms in the hotel.

You’re the only man in my life I trust. You know that? I trust you, Cade Jamison. You’re a better man than you know.

“She would,” I say, and it’s true. “All she wanted was for you to be happy. All the fame, all the money, even our marriage, it was to give you the life she wanted you to have. Flawed as she was, she loved you, Lennie. Your happiness is her happiness. Are you happy?”

“Yes… I…” She grins, blinking away tears, then her lips curve down into a frown. “There’s something I need to tell you, and I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me. But I can’t keep this lie going. I can’t. It’s—”

I pull her into my chest. “Baby, there’s nothing you could do that I wouldn’t forgive.”

“Yes, there is.”

“No. Whatever it is, tell me or don’t, I forgive you.”

She shakes her head, palms pressing on my sternum.

“No. You don’t understand. It’s worse than anything you can imagine.

It’s—I’ve tried so many times to tell you but I can’t make myself do it.

” She shivers, tears soaking her cheeks as I thumb them away as fast as they come each one breaking my heart .

“The fire?” I say on an exhale the hint of burning paper in the air.

Her eyes go wide, she steps back, the soft tears replaced by a choking sob.