Page 39 of Want Me

How did he fucking do that? How’d he just stand there and turn it off like that? Unbelievable.

I dropped down onto the stoop and stared out into the alley beyond our yard, trying to think logically. What had I expected anyway? It’d been about fooling around from the get-go. And what Eric had said made sense: I was risking some shit with our antics that maybe I shouldn’t be, considering my position. But shit, I craved it now, and I really wanted to make that all his fault instead of my own. But it wasn’t. Not really.

Maybe it was for the best. It’d begun as an experiment, and hadn’t we done enough that I should have the conclusion blazoned on my brain undoubtedly? I liked dick. Or, at the least, I liked some dick. Now I knew for sure and could move on.

It was just fooling around.

I said it over and over again to myself, but the words refused to sink in; they just sat on the surface of my brain with nowhere to go because all the dark recesses of me were already filled with him.

* * *

Ansel was slicingplastic wrap from a pizza when I came back inside while Jesse stood at the stove, twisting the knob to set the oven timer.

Ansel glanced up at me. “Want some? It’s meat lovers.”

Fucking perfect.

“Maybe, I dunno. I ate a late lunch,” I answered vaguely, aware that Jesse was staring at me.

“Everything cool?” he asked. “Mark seemed pretty pissed.”

I hedged before sighing and giving in. “Eric and I were doing some blow at the fund-raiser thing last night. In one of the offices. They found out and were pissed. Called the frat. Want money for some bullshit damages that didn’t happen.” At least I didn’t think they had. Now that I had more time to think about it, I wasn’t sure. I guess we could’ve scratched the desk or something, but it wasn’t like we’d broken anything.

Jesse’s brows bunched up in a fierce furrow as he leaned back against the stove, still staring. “You…were doing blow with Eric.Youdo coke?”

“Not often, Jesus, but yeah, sometimes. I was fucking bored.” I needed to get out of there. I hated fucking lying, and yet lying was all I seemed to be doing lately. Jesse’s gaze bored into me like I was a goddamn alien with two heads. I noticed that his disbelief was weighted heavily on me, not Eric, which made me kinda wonder… What the fuck ever. That wasn’t the point. None of this was.

I reached into the fridge for a beer and took it with me, calling over my shoulder, “Never mind about the pizza. I’ll probably grab something out.” I had no desire to sit around with Jesse and Ansel if Jesse was going to keep looking at me like that.

I cracked the beer on the stairs, had guzzled half by the time I got into my room, and spent the next half hour staring uncomprehendingly at my philosophy homework, not in the mood to get fucking ponderous about esoteric shit when I couldn’t even logic my way out of a simple cause-and-effect problem. So when Mark texted me, I was glad for the distraction.

Mark:Bunch of the guys are on way to Pfeiffer’s

Mark:Strongly suggest you make an appearance

I showered and shaved, avoiding glancing at Eric’s stuff because it made me think about how I’d been ready to stick my nose in his toiletry kit a month back. Lame.

I didn’t knock when I stood in front of his door, just turned the knob like I had the night before and let myself in. Eric sat propped up on his bedspread, the lamp on his nightstand on, a textbook open and resting on the tops of his thighs. I shut the door quietly behind me and leaned against it with my hands behind my back, palms pressing into the cool wood surface. My gaze traveled the room, making a stop at those bridges he’d built, drawn again to the precision and finesse of the construction. On one wall, he had a framed poster of Dali with his famously askew mustache. Atop the dresser were a couple of framed photographs of his family I’d never paid attention to before. Him with his mom and stepdad. And another, him with a man I guessed was his dad. Both of them smiling the same smile, Eric’s chin tipped up as he squinted against the sunlight that fell across them.

I thought I’d come in here with more to say, but as I looked back to Eric, his gaze unwavering upon me, I no longer knew what it was. My whole body felt fatigued, as if with muscle exhaustion, like I’d gone too hard in the gym or I was coming down with the flu. It wasn’t either of those things, but maybe I could pretend for a while.

“You’ll get over it,” he said, surprising me that he’d spoken at all.

I sucked at my lower lip and nodded as I lied again. “Yeah, probably so. But will you?”

It was a shot in the dark, because with Eric, for every certainty I felt about him, a hundred other doubts popped up. He shifted constantly, even in my own mind, and maybe I just didn’t have enough experience to pinpoint the dynamics the way a guy like him could, no landmarks I could rely on. But a flicker of regret passed through his eyes. Or maybe it was hurt.

Whichever it was was enough.

I didn’t wait for an answer that wouldn’t come, but turned and walked out.

5

Want Me

Ibro-fisted Ansel as he passed by with his duffle bag and walked out the front door, leaving the house quiet. Jesse had left earlier in the morning, right as I headed out for the test I was convinced Professor Lingen had sprung on us just to be a dick. Mark had left the night before. Eric, who fucking knew? His car was still in the driveway, but we hadn’t spoken much since Mark confronted us.

Nothing happened with the botanical gardens. Or, at least, they didn’t press charges. I paid for the trumped-up damage claim. Eric had paid initially, but I’d told Mark to give him back the money and tell him Merriweather had decided not to charge anything after all. That had earned me a long, hard look from Mark, and then he’d pressed his lips together and walked away.