Page 26 of Wandering Wild

Zander finds me sitting on the wooden bench in the hotel’s fairy garden, staring out at the view of the moonlit mountains.

I knew he would come—I’ve been waiting for him.

As much fun as I was having spending time with his friends and Ember, and as surreal as it was to discover how well we all get along, I couldn’t stay in that room with them a minute longer or I would have screamed.

For hours, my mind has been a battleground, ever since I learned how we were manipulated and deceived. At first, I feared Zander had been in on the ruse, but his pale-faced disbelief was genuine. That made it easier to stomach what happened to us, if only because I wasn’t alone in feeling so betrayed. And admittedly, the things he shared when we opened up to each other were much more damning than my own secrets, even if I still wish the world hadn’t been privy to my deepest thoughts. As it was, it took most of the hour before dinner to convince my stepdad that I forgive him for descending into his grief after Mum died, all because of what he heard me tell Zander last night. It was a relief when Hawke’s medic arrived for my health check, since it gave me a break from Jerry’s relentless apologies.

In some small way, part of me is grateful my stepdad was able to witness my heartache and his role in what I’d been bottling up. Ember, too, after the revelations I had about focusing on her for the last few years and forgetting myself in the process. But I still wish I could have told them without millions of strangers watching. I feel so... so violated , and I’m sure Zander must feel the same, given how much he values his privacy. It’s like the world has seen us naked—in an emotional and psychological sense—and it’s going to take me some time to come to grips with that.

But that’s not why I had to leave our friends in Zander’s room, nor is it why I’ve been avoiding his questioning gaze all night.

I’m not sure when my self-preservation instincts began to kick in, whether it was as soon as the rescue helicopter landed, or when the screaming crowd was pressing in on us, or maybe it was when we learned the truth about our every word and action being streamed live since we left four days ago, but sometime over the last few hours, the inevitable happened:

I came crashing back to reality.

And now I have to make sure Zander crashes with me.

At the guarded look on his face as he approaches me in the garden, I think he might already know. But that doesn’t mean this will be any easier.

“May I sit?” he asks.

I close my eyes as the words pull me straight back to Monday evening when he asked the same question. We were both in our pajamas then, while now we’re in our dinner clothes, his tight blue sweater hugging his torso in a way that has been tempting me all night. Everything would be much simpler if I wasn’t so attracted to him, or if he’d been the troll I’d once hoped for, personality-wise.

But he’s not.

He’s wonderful, and I?—

I halt my own thoughts, not allowing them to continue, and I shuffle over on the cold bench, granting him room.

For a moment, neither of us speaks, but then we both talk at once.

“So I?—”

“Are you?—”

We look at each other with sheepish smiles.

“You first,” Zander offers, nervously rubbing his jeans-clad leg.

The words I need to say get stuck in my throat. Instead, I manage, somewhat lamely, “What a day, huh?”

A half laugh, half moan leaves him and he runs a hand through his hair, ruffling the now-clean silver strands. “You said it. Can you believe that this time last night we were under these very same stars, having no idea that—” He stops himself, wincing.

But he doesn’t need to finish for me to know what he was going to say:... having no idea that the world was watching us pour our hearts out to each other.

“It’s pretty unreal,” I agree, rasping slightly. I clear my throat and say, my voice soft, “I’m glad you and Maddox have made up. He seems really great. Summer, too.”

“We have a lot of work ahead of us,” Zander says, looking out at the misted national park. “But yeah, I’m so happy he’s here.” He turns to me, his lips quirking. “I think you owe me an ‘I told you so’ now that my bromance is back on track.”

My lips quirk in return. “That sounds like something a smug know-it-all would say.”

He laughs, the sound full of relief, and I instantly feel awful, wondering why I’m letting this go on.

But I know why.

Because I don’t want it to end.

Even if it has to.

I sober, and am about to try once more to say the words, but Zander gets in first, his serious eyes capturing mine. “Thank you, Charlie. You got me Titan, and I’ll never be able to?—”

“ You got you Titan,” I interrupt firmly, not letting him give me the credit. It took all my willpower to resist throwing my arms around him when he shared the news at dinner, especially when I saw his puzzled, hurt expression at my lack of reaction. “The world fell in love with you , Zander. Or re-fell—whatever you want to call it. I was just along for the ride.”

“It wouldn’t have happened without you,” he maintains.

“It might have happened easier or sooner without me,” I argue. “Imagine if you’d been out there”—I wave to the shadowed mountains—“with a fan like Ember. You heard what Gabe said about viewers picking up on the animosity between us. You wouldn’t have had that if you’d been with someone else, which means you might have won the public back sooner, and you wouldn’t have been abandoned by Hawke and Bentley.”

That realization hits me hard, especially as I recall what Gabe said in the foyer: It’s your own fault things got so carried away . He’s right, even if neither Zander nor I could have known that our early strained interactions might result in us being stranded together.

“That might be so,” Zander says slowly, “but it’s only because we were left on our own that I became unguarded enough to make the public like me again.” He pauses, then says, pointedly, “And I believe the word Gabe used was ‘chemistry,’ not ‘animosity.’ There’s a big difference.”

I’m careful not to look at him as I reply, “Whatever he called it, and however things turned out, what I’m saying is, you earned Titan all on your own because of who you are. And I’m—I’m really happy for you.”

There’s a moment of silence before Zander says, quietly, “You could have fooled me.”

Hearing his forlorn tone that’s full of both awareness and painful understanding, I have to blink fast to keep my tears at bay. I can’t stop myself from taking his hand, gripping hard as I angle my body to look straight into his sad blue eyes. The grief in them makes my heart ache as I realize how much this is killing him—and how much it’s killing me, too.

But it has to be done. And while I might greedily want to put it off for as long as I can, it’ll only hurt us both more if I keep delaying the inevitable.

So I don’t.

“You know this will never work,” I whisper, holding his mournful gaze. “The last few days we were in our own bubble, but now that we’re back, the reality is, our worlds are too different. You know that, Zander. Tell me I’m wrong.”

His fingers tighten, and his free hand moves to trap mine between both of his palms. “We can make it work.”

I’m already shaking my head before he finishes speaking. “We can’t—and I’m not sure that we should.” That has him turning still, so I rush to explain, “You’re about to be locked in a studio filming the movie of the decade, and all your attention needs to be on that. And it should be—because you deserve this, and you should be able to enjoy every second of it without distraction.” I squeeze his fingers. “And as for me?—”

“You need to see the world and find your place in it,” Zander says with a sad, knowing sigh, “not stuck in LA waiting for me to finish an eighteen-hour day on set after which I’ll be too exhausted to see you, let alone do anything else.”

My eyebrows shoot upward at his presumption that I would have gone back to Los Angeles with him, especially since we never once talked about the possibility. But despite my surprise—and my knee-jerk reaction to wonder why it would be me who has to uproot my life, before realizing his assumption is based on my desire to travel, which is fair—I have to fight back new tears at the image he’s just laid out. Because part of me wants that. I want to see his home and witness his life. I want to meet his adoptive parents and spend more time with Summer and Maddox. I want to be there waiting for him at the end of a long day, regardless of whether we only have a few minutes together before he needs to crash. I want to be at his side during the highs and lows of everything he experiences in the utterly insane industry he works in. I want all of that—desperately.

But I also know the timing isn’t right. I need to see to my dreams first before I can support him in his. For once, I need to be selfish, even if that means sacrificing something precious in the process: him .

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling my heart break at the sight of his eyes gleaming with tears. “I wish things could be different. But my mum used to always tell me that everything happens for a reason, and I have to believe she’s right. So let’s be grateful for the time we had, knowing it was special for us both, and that we’ll never forget it.”

“Why are you making this sound like a goodbye?” Zander asks hoarsely.

“Because it is ,” I say. “It has to be.”

“We might have to go our separate ways, but we live in a world of technology,” he says, not understanding. “We can phone each other and video call and text and email and?—”

I pull my hand from his and jump to my feet, unable to remain sitting with so much emotion flooding my veins. I begin to pace on the grass, the fairy lights dappling my white dress with gold splotches. “Do you honestly think you’d be able to handle that?” I ask. “Because to me, staying in touch but not being with each other would be like... like cutting off an arm and slowly bleeding to death.”

Zander stands as well. “So... what? You’re saying you want to cauterize the wound? Is that really what you want—a clean break where we never see or talk to each other again? Ever? ”

“I don’t want that,” I say, throwing my hands out to the side. “I need that. Anything else would be too painful. And you need it just as much as I do.”

“No, Charlie, what I need is you .”

At his words, I stop pacing and stare at him. I can’t hold in my tears any longer, letting them drip silently down my cheeks.

Zander watches them fall, one after the other, and then he slowly closes his eyes, a look of devastation coming over him, mixed with resignation—and defeat.

He steps forward until he’s standing before me, reaching out to gently wipe my tears away as he says, his voice achingly soft, “I’m sorry—you’re right. I just—I don’t want to let you go.” He exhales a trembling breath. “But I’m going to. Because you deserve to be happy, Charlie Hart. And I’d never forgive myself if I became the person who was keeping you from flying free.”

God, why does he have to be so perfect ?

More tears fill my eyes, and I nearly take back everything I said, leaping into his arms and saying I want to go to LA with him to stay by his side forever. But I can see the resolve settling into his features now, and I know without asking that he wouldn’t let me even if I begged. He won’t allow me to forfeit my dreams, and I—I?—

I love him for that.

I love him.

And I have to let him go.

Because he has dreams, too. And for the same reason that he won’t let me abandon mine, I won’t let him surrender his.

A shuddering breath leaves me and I do what I’ve wanted to do all night, throwing my arms around him. He draws me close, both of us knowing it’s the last time we’ll get to do this, and neither willing to let go.

But eventually, we have to.

I pull back first, ignoring every part of me that longs to stay wrapped in his embrace.

“I’ll never forget you, Zander Rune,” I whisper, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for helping me dream again.” A final tear falls down my cheek as I offer him a tremulous smile and say, “I’ll see you on the big screen.”

And then, without giving him a chance to respond, I turn on my heel and run back up the cobblestone path into the hotel, my heartbreak so strong that I have to flee in order to tear myself away from him.

Ember is waiting in my room when I stumble inside, and as soon as she sees me, her face crumples with realization, and she opens her arms.

I can’t hold in what I’m feeling anymore and I burst into loud, sobbing tears as she envelops me with her body. She tells me over and over that everything will be all right, but for once, I don’t believe her.

Because the moment I left Zander, I already knew:

I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

And even if it was the right thing to do, I’m still going to regret it.

Forever.