Page 71 of Waiting For A Girl Like You (Haven House #4)

Blinking against the afternoon light, the room came into focus.

He’d nearly slept the day away, and another wave of self-loathing surged.

This had to stop. He had to get his shit together.

Josie was mumbling about him returning to that family shrink she’d forced him to, but he didn’t want that.

He wanted to find someone else. Someone who specialized in grief.

He needed out of his head because he’d made a deal.

And dream or not, he would honor it.

Movement in the corner caught his attention, and he rolled to his side to see who was there. That section of the room had a small bookcase and chair for reading, which was never used except by Samuel whenever it was his turn to watch over him.

But it wasn’t Samuel sitting in the chair. Not today. Today it was someone else entirely, and he knew without a doubt he was about to pay for his sins tenfold.

“Benjamin.”

“Simone.”

The lump in his throat refused to go down.

SiSi looked about as rough as he felt. Not on the outside, of course.

On the outside, SiSi Howard would remain an immaculately beautiful woman, the construct of a curated image she used to her advantage.

She wore one of her sheath dresses that showcased her figure.

Her hair was longer than he’d last noticed, and her makeup subtle, yet still with her signature red lipstick.

But he knew her as well as he knew himself.

The ghosts of their past hung heavily in her gaze, and he hated himself a little more.

Laura Jean was the other half of his soul, but SiSi would forever hold a small chunk of it.

She was his family. His real family. Not the Fairweathers, but her.

From the first moment Ms. Maudie brought her little niece into the Parkland’s playroom, and SiSi had proceeded to boss him and his brothers around in that high-handed way of hers, she had become his.

And she would forever be his, no matter what she thought. No matter how much she hated him. No matter how much of that hate he deserved. She was his responsibility to care for in life.

Even if she didn’t want him near herself or the children .

“What are you doing here?” The boys had sworn never to breathe a word of what happened. He had listened as they worked it out. Two fully grown men, hashing out their plan to stay away from Haven House and her prying ears.

Two men.

His boys were men.

The realization had hit hard while he listened to them talk quietly at the foot of his bed.

His boys were gone, and responsible men stood in their place.

Selah’s goofy grin and easy way had begun to disappear years ago, as had Samuel’s awkwardness, but to see the transformation so vividly when he was at his lowest had really driven the fact home.

It broke his already damaged heart.

“You look good,” he lied. A stupid thing to do when SiSi was involved. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I would imagine not.” She remained perfectly still, glaring daggers at him. “Josie sent the boys to the grocery store, and since neither of them has any inclination as to what that involves, I would imagine we have time to talk.”

He refused to do this lying in a damn bed. Shucking the one too many blankets and sheets aside, he tried to swing his legs over the edge to sit up. Big mistake. The whole room spun as he let out a curse.

And damn it, he was in pajamas. Striped, navy blue pajamas. Selah. This had to be Selah’s doing.

Fuck, he really must have been out of it.

SiSi made no move to help as he attempted to gain his bearings. “Let me know when you’re ready,” she said. “I want your head clear when I say what I have to say.”

They had hardly spoken in all these years. Occasionally, she would watch as he and Jamison talked on the porch, but if there was something he needed to know about the kids, about life, she usually sent the message through Hillary so he could show up when needed.

Or show up when wanted. Half the time, he knew they didn’t want him around.

“If you’re here to tell me I’m a horrible person, and that I suck at being a father, you can go ahead and get it out of your system,” he snapped. “A clear head isn’t needed to hear things I already know. ”

“Don’t you take that tone with me, Benjamin.” Pushing off the chair, she sailed across the room to stand before him. “I go first.”

“What?”

“I. Go. First.” She spoke the words through clenched teeth, vibrating with every punctuated hiss of breath that escaped her.

Pointing a finger directly in his face, she bent at the waist to meet his gaze and hammer the point home.

“You don’t get to be with them before me.

I go first. They were mine before they were ever yours, and I get to go to them first.”

“SiSi—”

“And don’t call me that! Don’t you dare call me that!

The woman you knew as SiSi is gone,” she screamed.

“She died out on the bayou, right next to her husband. She died on the ballroom floor as her best friend took her final breath. She died watching those children she helped raise gather around their sister as she left this world, and then she died once more when they were ripped from her arms to be tossed into the unknown.”

He tried to reach for her when she burst into angry tears, but his efforts were swatted away. “And she died on that September day when cancer won and ate her dear friend whole.”

Tears blurred his vision. “I’m sorry.”

With her pain on full display, Simone prowled around the room, pacing as she worked through her rage.

“My name is Simone, and Simone is a new breed of woman. She cares for her family. She loves them and lives each day to see that they get the most out of life.” Her red lips twisted into a disgusted sneer.

“She’s not some weak coward of a man who hides from what he’s done. I don’t hide from my mistakes.”

“I don’t hide.”

That had her halting to a screeching stop. “Bull—fucking—shit.”

Her roar ricocheted off the walls, making him flinch.

“They don’t want me, Simone. The kids don’t want me around. I’m broken, and seeing me as this pathetic mess is a reminder of what we went through.”

“Your absence is a reminder. Your absence shows them they were never worth anything,” she shot back. “Laura Jean is gone, and now you just can’t be bothered to deal with them. That’s what they think.”

“If they think that, it’s because you planted the idea in their heads. ”

He saw it coming. Unlike the day he sent Toby and CeCe away, he saw this slap coming a mile away. Launching herself at him, she struck with a powerfully precise hit, and he took it, the strike being the first thing he’d felt in years.

“I would never do anything like that.” She moved to slap him again, but he caught her wrist, stopping the blow before it connected with his cheek. “Your damnation is your own doing.”

She was right, of course. This tiny woman who knew how to put him in his place was always right. “I want to get better.”

The simple declaration had her anger deflating. “Then make yourself better.”

“I can’t.”

How could he explain? Simone was a force; the world bent to her will. If she wanted to make herself carry on, she would. If she wanted to get her head on straight, she would. She was strong—a certifiable superwoman—while he was exactly as she claimed. A coward.

“I went to someone. A family therapist. Josie made me.”

Simone’s eyes narrowed into slits. “You don’t like them.”

“Not really.” He released her wrist. “The doctor is good with relationships and family things, but not loss. At least, not the depth of this loss.”

“Then we’ll find someone new.”

We .

We’ll find someone new. The two of them. Together.

God, that felt good to hear.

“I was thinking of looking around Houston for a new doctor.”

She sat on the bed next to him. “That’s better than what you have around here,” she conceded, lost in thought. “Houston will have more options.”

They went quiet, the emptiness of Parkland Grounds surrounding them.

Once, this house had been full of staff, a person assigned to every whim of the Fairweathers.

Now it was nowhere near the grand home it had been.

Lost to time and neglect, Parkland had become a haunted house, holding all the Fairweather secrets.

Or was that Haven House? God knows his family had enough skeletons to fill more than one home’s closets.

“If I go, then you need to find someone as well. ”

Simone bristled at the idea. “I think not.”

“Why the hell not?”

“As we just said, the doctors around here aren’t worth anything, and besides, nobody needs to know my business.”

“Why do you have to be so stubborn all the damn time?” He heaved out an exhale, knowing he’d already lost the battle. “But that’s your personal choice, and I’ll respect it.”

“You’ve never respected anyone’s personal choice.”

“Neither have you, so let’s accept that lie and move on.”

She pressed her lips together while staring at the bank of windows along the eastern wall. The view overlooked the gardens, a place that was once his mother’s cruel joke. “You’re making a deal with me. You make deals with everyone else, and now I’ve come to collect mine.”

It almost made him smile. “Let’s hear it.”

“I go first,” she whispered, the rays of afternoon light tracing the tears rolling down her cheeks. “You have to be the one who stays behind. That’s my deal. You stay and take care of yourself and them. You stay until Father Time drags you off.”

“You’re not going anywhere, Simone.” He seized her hand, not giving a damn if she didn’t want him touching her. “You’re stronger than me.”

“Oh, I know that.” She laughed, wiping her tears with her free hand.

“But I want you to take care of yourself, and I’ll do the same, but when the day comes—when something happens, and they say it could be the end of the road for either of us—I want you to continue to fight to stay but if it’s me, let me go in peace. ”

“What you’re talking about won’t happen for years.”

“Be that as it may, I want your word.”

“You have it,” he promised. “We have a deal, but I have a counteroffer for you to consider.”

“I’m listening.”

“I want more time with them.”

It would probably sound ridiculous to anyone else in the world, a man negotiating to have more time with his children, but they weren’t normal and never had been.

“Evie is getting ready to start college. She still has her moments, but they come few and far between now.” A wistful smile tugged at the corner of Simone’s mouth. “And with Samuel having just been at the house, she’s all up in her feelings.”

“Why the hell do they have to fight all the damn time?”

“Oh, is that what they’re doing?”

He didn’t know what that was supposed to mean. The battle of Samuel and Evie had raged since they came into existence, and it would never change. They entered this world snarling at each other and would continue to do so until the day they left it.

Not that his two cents mattered on the subject, but he wanted Simone to understand that he did pay attention to what was happening with the kids.

The big and little things that made up their lives.

“I know Evie has come out of her shell more, and with high school over, I thought it was a great idea that she chose to stay close to home to go to the state college’s satellite campus. ”

Of all people, it had been Samuel who argued against the decision. He wanted Evie with him and Selah up at Georgia Tech, telling anyone who would listen how Evie’s mathematical brilliance was being wasted.

“But Jamison… I want to know her, Simone,” he continued. “I want to get better and know my daughter. I can’t make up for all the wasted time, but can you help me with this? Can you give me a chance to put my head on straight and find my way back to her?”

Simone remained quiet for a long minute.

“She is so much like you. Stubborn and with a damn temper that’s hard to tamp down when it gets going.

We’re heading into the tough middle school years.

She has no real friends. All the kids keep their distance because of her last name.

I even offered to let her have a slumber party at the house.

” She shuddered at the thought. “She invited twelve little girls, and none of them showed up.”

He remembered those years. Without Albie and Ty, he would have been miserable. “Kids are assholes.”

“They are, and yes, your little girl is growing up. It’s time to move on. Get yourself together and come be part of her life.”

It was a goal. One he could hold close and work towards. To see his boys enter the world as men, to help Evie as she navigated this new phase in life, and to be there for Jamison. For every moment, good or bad, he would be there and become the father his little girl deserved.

But first, he had to get better .

“I need time. A few months.”

“Take it,” she said, rising to stand. “But remember, life is passing us by, Benjamin.”

He watched as she headed for the door, calling out to her before she could disappear from his sight completely. “Are we okay? You and me?”

“One day we might be,” she replied, as honest as ever. “But pull another stunt like this, and I will follow you down to the depths of hell, where you will have to live in eternal damnation with me right at your side.”

He liked that idea and crawled back under the covers, thinking he might rest until the boys got home. When they did, he would help them unload, help them cook a meal, and just be with them as a father should.

Then, in the future, Jamison would join them. Maybe even Evie, too. If she could handle listening to Samuel’s smartass mouth.

Reclining back on the pillows, he smirked. “You’re a little dramatic sometimes.”

Simone’s big brown eyes went wide, sweeping over him in a wholly judgmental way. “Says the man wearing striped pajamas.”

“This has to be Selah’s doing.”

“Don’t tell the boys I was here.” Hand on the doorknob, Simone hesitated before leaving. “Josie has agreed not to, and I want you to do the same.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Why?”

“Let them think they’ve got a secret to keep. It’s good for them.”

“You just want to see how long they’ll be able to hide it from you before cracking.”

And there it was. Her smile. “Oh, absolutely.”