Page 199 of Vows We Never Made

If my breakup with Ethan fixes the relationship with Mom, that’s something.

“Never settle for anything less than the one who’ll treat you right. You deserve a man who will love you and stick by you through anything, no matter how awful,” Mom says sagely. “Even if you don’t run a marathon or—or if you don’t want him inflicting his snotty billionaire money problems on you.” She says the last part with healthy bitterness.

Obviously, she wishes I was going to be a billionaire’s wife.

That makes two of us.

“Thanks for coming today,” I say. “For real.”

“Oh, honey.” She reaches over and I take her hand, feeling her squeeze. “I know I haven’t always been the best at that. Ihaven’t always had the clearest head… But I always loved you. I just want the best and I want to see you happy.”

“I know you do, Mom. It’s just—my best isn’t always yours.”

“And I should’ve realized that sooner, sweet girl. Thanks for the reality check.”

This is going too well.

I nod and give her a weak smile.

Having her love bolsters me in a way I wouldn’t want to admit a few weeks ago. I suppose every girl just wants their mother to love and accept them deep down.

The thing that’s harder is taking her advice.

Maybe she’s right and I do deserve better, but if that’s the case, why didn’t Ethan, who saw all of me, realize that?

Why couldn’t he want me when it mattered most?

Why wouldn’t he stay and fight?

And why can’t I get his flipping face out of my head?

“Want to watchBreakfast at Tiffany’s?” Mom suggests brightly. It’s her favorite Hepburn movie, and it takes me back to being a kid.

Audrey Hepburn won’t fix my life. Especially when I think Mom wanted me to be more like her growing up—including unhealthy Hollywood thin—but I accept the offer and get up to fetch us more pie before we regroup on the couch.

She doesn’t comment on the piles of books or the second serving. She doesn’t tell me all the ways I could handle this better or healthier.

She just opens her arm for me to snuggle into her side, and she picks up the remote and turns on the TV.

Someday, I could see this becoming the new norm, and that’s awesome.

I just wonder when I’ll stop missing Ethan so fiercely, even though our entire relationship was an illusion.

He’s never coming back to salvage anything.

The sooner I get used to it, the better.

24

ALL I AM (ETHAN)

“So youarealive,” Margot says.

I blink at her, trying to erase sleep from my brain.

When I heard a knock on the door in the middle of the night, I didn’t think too hard about who it might be.

A lost hiker or just the wind knocking an overgrown branch against the side of the cabin.