Page 25

"This reminds me of when we were fourteen." Daisy said, passing me the pack of Marlboro golds.

"In the back alley, behind rehearsal studio A." I finished, placing the cigarette in my mouth and lighting it.

"Fourteen?!" Tom said.

"I know. It's so bad." Luca said, refusing the packet when Daisy offered it to him. She shrugged.

"Blame Val. She taught all of us."

My cheeks reddened.

"That's not entirely true. Bee also taught everyone. Her tiger mum doubled as a chain smoker."

Daisy grimaced. "Fucking Beatrice Cowper."

"Beatrice Cowper?" Thomas and Luca asked in unison.

"The biggest cunt there ever was. Messed around with your friend's boyfriend didn't she? Mable, right?"

"Yes." I said quietly and tried to leave it at that. I just knew that Mable wouldn't ever want this to be talked about. It was behind her. She was finally starting to trust others - Marcus.

"Who was her boyfriend?" Luca asked.

"Lucas." I replied curtly.

"How long did they date for again?" Daisy asked.

"Three and a half years." I sighed, taking another drag from my cigarette. Tom was doing the same and I couldn't help but stare at how relaxed he looked. His shirt was slightly undone and his hair was being tussled in the wind. His green eyes flicked over to mine. I quickly looked away.

"Anyway, wasn't it your brother who taught you how to smoke?" Daisy asked.

I smiled, a genuine one. "Yes. He said that if I taught everyone I would be the coolest there."

"Did it work?" Tom asked.

"For about a week yes. Then everyone remembered how cool Bee was and remembered how I decidedly wasn't. Will was happy when I told him how cool I looked. All my brothers were." My smile started to fade, as I remembered how my brothers would smile when I came through the door, how we laughed over family meals and Michael showing me his record collection. Things were so different now.

"I remember them. They used to come to some of your shows." Daisy said.

"I think about three in total." I said laughing, but it wasn't that funny.

"Are you all still close?"

I hesitated. "I still talk to them yes. My brother Will is coming to visit, actually. I'm probably closest with him."

"I always wished I had siblings." Luca said. "It was always just me and my parents."

"What about you, Thomas?" Daisy asked.

"I have a brother." He said, nodding.

I frowned a little. I could've sworn he had mentioned a sister at some point.

The serene peace of four people catching up, even if one of those people was now my sworn enemy, was interrupted by a gaggle of drunk girls spilling outside. In the process, one of their sparkly heals knocked over a glass next to me, spilling beer over my skirt.

"Fuck." I said.

"Oh my gosh! Girl, I'm so sorry." A blonde said, giggling. Her eyes drifted to the side. "Are you Thomas Verner?" She said, staggering closer to Thomas. He smiled politely at her before his eyes were fixed on me again.

"I'm going to go and clear myself up." I said, standing up and trying to leave as soon as I could as a swarm of gorgeous looking girls gathered around Tom.

Here I was, dressed in clothes made for beautiful girls, smelling of beer and looking like a pig wearing lipstick.

My face grew hot as I strode quickly back inside, in search of a bathroom. I weaved in an out of the people, some drunk out of their minds, some high out of their minds and I pushed past Toby who had his lips glued onto a random girl.

"Valerie! Valerie! Wait!" I heard a familiar voice say.

I carried on walking and downed a glass of wine on my way. The third of the night.

"Jesus, you walk quickly." Tom said, standing in front of me, halting my footsteps. His eyes roamed over my face. "What's wrong?" He said.

"Leave it, Tom." I warned.

"Valerie, what's wrong?" He looked at me intently, waiting.

Maybe it was the wine speaking or maybe it was because I wanted someone to talk to or maybe it was just himbut I said, "What am I wearing? What am I doing? Who do I think I am?"

"What do you mean?" Tom said, holding my shoulders with his arms.

"I'm not one of those girls." I said, gesturing outside. "I'm playing dress up."

Thomas looked at me intently. "Valerie, if you want to be one of those girls, you are. You look beautiful. You always do."

I let the words sink in. Most days I just roll out of bed, grateful if I got any sleep, even more grateful if I didn't throw up within the first hour of the day. I never used to care about how I looked. I used to only care about surviving. What had changed? I looked at Thomas. There was my answer.

I stared at him. "I think I'm a bit drunk." I said, stumbling over my words.

"Already?" He said, eyebrows raising slightly.

"I'm a huge lightweight." I admitted in a small grumble.

"Come on, let's go and clean you up." He took my hand gently and guided me to the toilet. And I let him.

Once we were safely tucked into the bathroom, he closed the door and locked it so no one would come in.

"Here, sit on the counter and we'll start cleaning your skirt."

I listened and hopped onto the sink counter. Even with me sitting on a raised counter, he was still taller. He wetted a towel and started to dab it onto my skirt. I was suddenly very aware of how far my skirt had ridden up my legs.

We were in silence. The only noise was the damp towel against my skirt.

"All you had to do was apologise." I said quietly.

"What?" He looked at me, startled.

"All you had to do was apologise." I repeated. "I would've forgiven you as well. That's the pathetic thing. I would've forgiven you straight away."

"You would've?"

"Yes and then you didn't. Which was probably a good thing. It made me realise that I can't just forgive you straight away or at all just because I like you." I said, all not looking at him.

"You like me?"

"Yes. Which is saying something. The only people I like are Mable and my brother." I sighed.

"Mable and your brother." He repeated, shaking his head slightly.

"You have to stop repeating everything I say. It's quite annoying."

"What?" He said, genuinely confused.

"You've done it three times now." I pointed out.

"Oh. Right." He said, dabbing the towel on my skirt.

We were back into silence again. I guess no apology then.

We were in complete silence again for about five minutes before he looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, Valerie. You shared something with me and I used it against you. I should never have done it. I have been thinking about it every minute since I said it and I just wish I never did. You don't know how sorry I am."

I paused, biting my lip. "You don't know what I went through, Thomas. You don't know why I had to make the decisions I made. It wasn't your place. I have done a lot of selfish things before but at some point enough is enough and I had to leave. I couldn't endure that anymore."

Thomas' brow furrowed deeply. "Endure what?"

"What did I say about repeating things I said?" I tried to play it off lightly.

"What did you have to endure, Valerie?"

I looked at him then. Properly looked at him. He seemed sincere. No one had really asked me that. Not directly. Mable already sort of knew but never directly asked, as if she didn't want to know. Thomas actually wanted to know. He wanted to understand.

"After my mother died, my father was upset, understandably. He sort of blamed it on me, also understandably. I guess he didn't know how to deal with his emotions so he just took them out on me. At first, he just destroyed the letters my mother wrote to me, all but three, which I managed to hide. Then he stopped speaking to me. He didn't say a word to me for two months. I used to try to talk to him, but it was like talking to a wall. When he finally said something, it was, Pass the salt. Then he would just tell me how selfish I was. Which my brothers sort of caught onto and started to blame me, even if it was silently. Then he took on harsher methods. He would sometimes withhold food, or other stuff." I trailed off. "The point is, I had to leave. And even though it was potentially selfish, I just couldn't be there anymore. Since I've moved here, my vomiting habits have decreased, my appetite has increased and I've stopped always looking over my shoulder. I'm happy." I paused. "But you ruined that for me."

At least he had the decency to look ashamed. Then he started to register what I had said.

"He withheld food?"

I nodded.

"And other stuff."

I nodded again.

"What other stuff?"

"It's private. I don't like to talk about it much."

He looked at me closely. "And your father is coming to stay?"

"With my brother, yes. In a week. But don't worry, my brother assured me that my father has changed. That he wants to make amends. That he wants to love me."

"Valerie, you don't have to put yourself through that."

"I know, but I don't want to be selfish and I want him to love me. It's been so long since we've had a normal conversation. So long since he hugged me, so long since he'd even looked in my direction without hatred."

Thomas opened his mouth but was cut off with a banging on the door.

"You've been in there fucking ages!" A man with a gruff voice shouted from the other side of the door.

"This conversation isn't done." Thomas said.

"I know."

Without warning, he placed his hands on my hips and lifted me from the sink, placing me on the floor.

And then the door was open and we were thrown back into the part once more.

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