Page 59 of Unlocked Dive

“I’m calling Reggie tonight.”

He drops his face into my shoulder.

“Fuck me again first?”

One last time? I squash that thought.

No. Not yet.

25

Echo

Byrd kicks me out while he makes the call to Reggie.

“Run to the Navarro store, Echo. You can buy the beer now.”

Going on a beer run softens the sting of being dismissed so the grown-ups can talk, but I’m still a wreck for the entire twenty-five minutes it takes to make the trip. For a moment, pulling out of the potholed parking lot of the country store, I fantasize about turning left and driving off the other way. If I disappeared, would he be sorry? Or secretly relieved?

He’d be worried.

And I’d be useless and devastated and come crawling back before the end of the night anyway. Plus, I can’t steal his 4-Runner. He’d never forgive me for that.

So I sit in the driveway and chain-smoke, terrified to go inside and discover my fate. I know why Byrd sent me off on this bullshit errand, beyond preventing me from hearing him get chewed out and most likely fired. He’s determined to salvage my commitment to NCC, and he didn’t want me butting in.

I want to be angry at him, and at my dad, but I’m pretty sure that even without the latter’s threats, Byrd would still be pushing me to go.

“You’re not making the same mistake I did.”

In my darker moments, I wonder if it’s more than that—if he’d still want me if I didn’t follow through on the potential he sees in me.Why does being Byrd’s Echo mean I have to give up Byrd?

Our sex after the bath had an air of finality to it. One we both tried to fight—me with frantic need and him with extra care, which only ended up adding to the desolation. Now my ass is sore, I’m wrung out, and there’s a burn behind my eyes that feeds off the ache in my chest.

He finds me in the driveway before I muster up the strength to go inside, leaning on the open window in a strange moment of reflected déjà vu.

Maybe he’ll surprise me and climb into my lap.

Irrationally, I reach to slide the seat back, but he stops me with a hand on my neck.

“Two weeks,” he says, and I blow out a slow breath. Better than tomorrow, but I feel a flash of bitter nostalgia for my hatred of August.

How many heartbeats in fourteen days?

“What happens in two weeks?”Is there any answer I’m not dreading?

“I take you to San Francisco. One of Reggie’s contacts will be in town, and she’ll meet us at Circus Center. Reggie will pull some strings so you can do the evaluation there.”

“I’m not ready.”It’s not enough time.

“You are. You’ve been ready since your birthday.”

I lean back into his hand and close my eyes. Another audition, and I’m out of excuses.

I’m not afraid of the rope anymore. I’ve remembered how to fly. The rest of the tricks—the double pirouette and the quad switches and the handful of others I haven’t tried—will come back eventually. Especially once I’m training every day with the coaches at NCC. I’ll learn new skills, meet new people to challenge me, make connections to launch me into the wider circus world. I can still have all the things I wanted for so long.

Assuming leaving Byrd doesn’t tear a new hole in my soul.

But if I keep letting him prop me up, I’ll turn into the thing Elke was afraid of. I’ll disappoint him and force him to keep loving me anyway.