Page 42 of Understood

The realization that she was an actual person—perceived by others, active in the world—always hit Lilith like a quiet, persistent shock.

There were few moments like that.

Her first job interview. Her first therapy session. Turning eighteen.

All of them carried something she couldn't enjoy, a weight she hadn't known how to lift, and they demanded feelings she wasn't sure she was capable of summoning.

Maybe her first date ever would be like that too.

She wasn't sure how she felt about it.

She hadn't spoken to Valentina since the woman had rejected her offer to come over and enjoy the apple pie Lilith had baked. She wondered, desperate and fleetingly, whether it would have made a difference if she had baked something else.

Probably not.

And yet the feeling of hatred washed over her.

At some point, she might have genuinely thought Valentina was the worst person alive. Valentina should have known how important it was. And yet, with warmth that Lilith found cruel, she had said no.

Rationally, it was nothing. Valentina had simply explained she couldn't come over. But something inside Lilith had shattered.

Maybe Valentina wasn't perfect.

Maybe she wasn't the best woman alive.

And maybe Lilith held a grudge. She didn't want to, but she couldn't turn back time. She couldn't change the way she felt.

There was a bigger issue now.

Her first date with Valentina.

And in that moment, as she woke that morning, that was all there was—she had just woken up, and nothing else about the day mattered. Later, that would become the biggest problem of the day.

Valentina had texted her about dinner—the same restaurant she had taken her to after the hospital. Lilith had confirmed the time, but hadn't sent a reply afterward.

Taking another step into her fragile, unstable life felt monumental. Like an event to be treated with care.

And so she decided she would treat it as such.

She sat down at her vanity—not really a vanity, more a chaotic little station where everything happened at once.

Lilith winced at the mess. Makeup long past its prime. Fake lashes that, once applied, looked like tiny spiders clinging to leftover skincare products. Papers scattered with notes, pills and a few abandoned mugs—each object a small testament to her mornings.

She did her makeup slowly. Taking her time felt like a test. If she ended up looking wrong—ugly and awkward—she would cancel.

She added a touch of glitter at the inner corners of her eyes, remembering Valentina had said it was pretty.

Her fingers fished out a black dress Valentina had never seen her wear. Maybe a little too short, but delicate lace details softened the edge. She found sheer black tights that weren't ripped. She pulled on high black boots that gave her some

height.

Her blonde hair fell to her hips, carefully straightened, even though wind and rain would likely undo all her effort.

By the time she slid into the restaurant's terrace, the space had filled with people.

Patio heaters glowed, flames dancing and flickering, making the world around them seem almost cinematic.

Valentina's initial greeting was brief—but her confusion was evident, flickering across her face.

Probably the most confused she had ever been seeing Lilith.

The girl sat unnaturally straight, rigid as if punishment for slouching had carried over from some invisible teacher. Her gaze was empty—there were no thoughts behind it. Her big, blue eyes, usually alive and expressive, now seemed dull and detached.

It was like Lilith's body was here, sitting, breathing—but her mind had wandered somewhere else entirely.

Valentina watched, uncertain. Was she nervous? Distracted?

"You look pretty, Lilith," Valentina said, smiling warmly as they sat across from each other.

And she did look pretty. Less soft than usual, harder somehow—not just because of the black she wore, but the way she held herself.

Much to Valentina's surprise, Lilith didn't smile shyly. She didn't tilt her head or giggle. She just nodded, eyes steady, and said simply, not quietly, "Thank you. I tried."

The waiter came over, nodding to Valentina warmly, familiar. He left, leaving two menus on the dark table. Lilith looked down, unfocused, scanning nothing in particular.

"Sweetheart, are you nervous?" Valentina asked, leaning back slightly, the bare curve of her back brushing the chill of the chair.

Lilith wasn't nervous. Not shy, not excited. Not anything she could name. Still, she said, "A bit."

"You don't need to be. Just treat this like you usually do when we see each other," Valentina said softly, tilting her head, hoping her words, her presence, would ease the tension.

Instead, Lilith felt... slightly offended.

"No," she said, voice sharper than intended. Valentina raised her eyebrows, a flicker of surprise passing over her face.

Lilith glanced around, satisfied that no one else had heard. Then, quieter but firm, she added, "It is a date."

Valentina murmured, thrown off and confused by the girl's rigid words, "Right."

The hesitancy in that soft acknowledgment unsettled Lilith more than she expected. It wasn't what she wanted to hear. Not really.

"It would be strange if I treated it like always," the blonde haired girl added, shrugging, gaze fixed on the menu.

"What are you getting?" she asked, casually, trying to sound normal.

After Valentina shared her choice, Lilith selected something similar. She wasn't hungry, but her body insisted. Thirst gnawed at her too; the last thing she'd eaten had been the apple pie she baked two days ago.

While they waited, a thought she'd nearly forgotten drifted forward. "I heard you skipped a family trip to Italy."

Valentina's brows furrowed, then softened into a smile, though something tighter lingered behind it.

"I had a lot of work, and I would have felt.

.. certainly not good if I just left after.

.." She paused, searching for the right word.

"The accident," she finished, keeping her tone flat, even as irritation and worry coiled together inside her.

"Do you go on trips like that often?" Lilith asked, scratching a subtle pattern into her thigh under the table, careful not to rip her tights.

Valentina glanced over her shoulder as the waiter approached with their plates. Once he left, she answered, not looking at the food, still caught up in their exchange.

"Four times a year," she said. "Once each season. My mom is very strict about those."

"Did Chiara come?" Lilith asked, her gaze fixed on her plate, her tone casual, almost disinterested.

A stranger sitting next to them might have thought Lilith didn't care—a thought that flickered briefly through Valentina's mind, too—but she knew Lilith would never offer something like that to anyone, even if she truly did not care.

"She did," Valentina murmured, the word barely more than a breath.

"Mhm," Lilith replied, still not touching her food.

Her fork hovered, stabbing at the vegetables with tentative, almost distracted movements, missing a few times before she finally brought a bite to her lips.

She chewed methodically, eyes trained somewhere beyond the table, as though her mind had wandered off entirely.

Valentina watched her carefully, noting the subtle tension in her shoulders and the precision of her movements.

Then, abruptly, Lilith's head lifted. Her blue eyes locked onto Valentina's. "I hope you're not seeing anyone else right now," she said, flat but deadly serious.

Valentina froze mid bite. She set her fork down slowly. "Why would I?" she asked genuinely, though a flicker of amusement touched the edges of her lips.

"I don't know," Lilith murmured, voice low, almost casual. Then, almost conversationally, she added, "I'm a very jealous person."

Valentina's eyebrow rose, intrigued. She leaned forward slightly, the corner of her mouth twitching. "Are you?"

Lilith's gaze didn't waver. "Yeah. If you were seeing someone else, I would wish them death," she said simply, as if stating the most obvious fact in the world.

Valentina chuckled softly, a warm, breathy sound, trying to mask her fascination. "Oh?" she murmured, humoured. "Should I be worried?"

Lilith tilted her head, but there was nothing playful in the gesture. Her expression was calm, almost indifferent. "I'm not joking."

And then, as if the moment were resolved, she lifted her fork and ate another bite. It was casual, nonchalant—but the weight of her earlier words remained, pressing against Valentina in a undeniable way.

Valentina's phone buzzed. She pulled it from her black purse, silencing it with one practiced movement. Lilith's eyes flicked to the motion, sharp and observant, but her expression didn't change.

"Rhys," Valentina said softly, letting her attention return fully to Lilith. She leaned slightly forward, meeting her gaze with a small, teasing smile. "He's probably calling with his infuriating birthday wishes."

"Birthday?" Lilith mumbled, her eyes fixed on the dark wood of the table, voice low, almost detached.

"You wanted to know, didn't you?" Valentina squinted softly, studying her from across the table.

"It's truly not that important," Valentina added, hoping to ease the tension, but Lilith stared at her blankly, sharp and unyielding.

"Maybe for you," Lilith murmured.

The words hung in the air. Lilith would have prepared something if she had known.

"I'm spending my birthday exactly how I wanted to," Valentina said quietly, her voice calm. And it struck Lilith with something unexpected—the realization that Valentina had chosen this evening, her thirtieth birthday, intentionally.

As they finished their meals, Valentina's eyes softened, searching for a way to reach her. "Dessert?" she asked, leaning in slightly.

Lilith shook her head gently, declining.

"They added chocolate cake to the menu," Valentina tried again, her tone a mixture of teasing and coaxing, hoping to pierce the wall around her.

"No, thank you," Lilith said firmly, suddenly aware of how straight her posture had been all this time. She shifted in her seat, tiny movements easing the stiffness she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

Valentina exhaled softly, defeated. It was time to move on from the restaurant.

"Shall we?" she asked, adding, "I'll pay downstairs."

Lilith stood, sliding into her beloved jacket, the fabric doing little to warm her, as if the mere mention of paying had ignited a stubborn spark. Valentina folded her long black coat, leaving it off for now, and together they descended from the terrace into the crowded interior.

"I'll pay," Lilith murmured beside her, eyes downcast.

She had saved enough to cover both of them. She couldn't let Valentina pay—not when she had been the one to ask.

What kind of date would it be otherwise?

Maybe getting a job again didn't seem so terrible now. How else could she afford to give Valentina things?

"It's okay, darling," Valentina began, her voice soft, coaxing, but Lilith didn't hesitate.

"I said I'll pay. I asked you out," she stated clearly, the words precise.

Valentina shook her head, a small smile tugging at her lips. "It really doesn't matter who pays." Her eyes drifted softly across the room, searching for someone familiar, and as soon as she spotted a woman she knew, she turned and began walking towards her.

Lilith's pace quickened as they neared the woman.

Her jaw tightened, her fingers curling slightly around her card, which she had taken out of her phone case that held too many little papers and cards inside.

"It does matter. I thought you'd get that," she said, tossing the card forward to pay for both of them.

She didn't glance at the total. She didn't care.

Valentina sighed, a flicker of frustration passing over her features.

It wasn't Lilith or her behavior that unsettled her but the sharp edge of her own inability to find the right words pressed in.

She wanted to say something, anything, that would soften Lilith, that would make her feel the warmth and ease she usually did whenever they saw each other, yet the right words eluded her, leaving her restless and quietly annoyed with herself.

She moved towards the door, brushing a strand of slightly curled brunette hair from her back. She intended to slip on her black coat, but then a cold fingertip pressed lightly against her spine.

"You have a tattoo," Lilith murmured behind her, voice soft almost reverent in its attention.

Valentina felt herself weaken, helpless in the moment. For a second, she was completely at Lilith's mercy, soft and exposed, and she didn't mind it at all.

The very dark red wine colored dress clung to Valentina, open at the back, revealing the smooth line of her spine.

A tattoo rested there, delicate and minimalistic: a single flowing line twisted into thorns, forming a vague cross. The thorns curled subtly, like tiny hidden stems of flowers, intricate and elegant.

Lilith felt a flicker of guilt at having missed it before. She had seen Valentina in this dress already, yet somehow, she had never noticed. How could she have overlooked something so intimate, so telling?

Her eyes lingered, tracing the line without touching, mesmerized. Valentina didn't turn back. She simply let Lilith take it in. The quiet confidence, the way she allowed herself to be observed, made Lilith's fingers twitch as if drawn to the curve.

"Do you like it?" Valentina asked, her voice low.

"Yes," Lilith blurted before she could think, and heat rushed to her cheeks. The sudden honesty startled her; she realized again how off she had been all day, how the simplest social cues seemed lost to her in Valentina's presence.

"When did you get it?" she asked softly, letting the question float between them as Valentina draped her coat over her shoulders.

"About five years ago," Valentina said, finally turning, meeting Lilith's gaze.

Lilith nodded, suddenly self conscious, painfully aware of herself, her hands, her posture, the way the cold air clung to her skin. She felt human. Alive, in a way that startled her after the detachment of the day.

Valentina didn't press further. Instead, she said quietly, "Let's go for a walk," and opened the restaurant door.

It was white.

Lilith's eyes widened as the world transformed—streets, trees, and rooftops blanketed in soft, untouched snow. The air felt sharper, colder, but somehow magical, each golden lamp along the sidewalk catching the flakes and turning them into tiny, flickering sparks.

The first snow of autumn, melting slowly into the approach of winter.

"It's snowing," Lilith murmured, snowflakes dusting her hair, delicate and fleeting.

"Pretty, right?" Valentina said, voice soft, almost intimate. She glanced down at Lilith and, noting the girl's sheer tights and exposed skin, stepped closer. Her fingers brushed Lilith's jacket, and she slowly zipped it up.

Lilith wanted to fix herself, say something but the words stuck, unformed. Being human again, fully present, felt sudden and almost dangerous.

Lilith blurted out the most random thing, words tumbling before she could stop them.

"I made you into a cat in The Sims—"

Her face heated instantly. The words sounded absurd and ridiculous. She tried to correct herself.

"I mean... I named the cat in The Sims after you."

That didn't feel right either, so she let the sentence die between them, swallowed by the quiet of the snowy street and the soft crunch of their footsteps.

She looked up at Valentina, and for the first time that evening, she let herself really see her. The green eyes, sharp and calm, flickering with amusement. Lilith expected laughter, teasing, something to puncture her embarrassment.

Valentina tilted her head, soft, amused.

"Meow?"

It wasn't a sound exactly—not really. Just a tiny word, warm and soft, carrying humour. Lilith scrunched her face, cheeks warming further, and couldn't help thinking the woman looked impossibly cute like that.

She rolled her eyes, trying to regain composure. She stepped onto the snow dusted pavement, voice low, playful, tinged with her nervous energy. "Let's just go on that walk."

Valentina's smile was quiet but satisfied. She fell into step beside her, murmuring softly, almost to herself, "There she is."

Even though the woman wore black heels that weren't short at all, she walked confidently, while Lilith, in her boots, silently prayed she wouldn't slip.

"What happened to your pink scarf?" Valentina asked, glancing down. Her hand found Lilith's freezing one, closed around it, and together she slid both of their hands into the pocket of her coat. Warmth spread through Lilith instantly.

"I thought it would look ugly with the outfit," Lilith murmured, shrugging, trying to sound casual. A soft smile curved her lips, but her fingers lingered in Valentina's coat pocket, reluctant to leave the warmth.

Valentina's gaze roamed, eyes quietly assessing, voice low. "I'm not happy with that," she murmured, the edge of her tone playful but warning, a flash of exasperation twisting through it.

"Oh, cry me a river," Lilith said, her voice teasing, dripping with playful triumph. Her lips curved, a mischievous sparkle lighting her eyes as she bent down to the pavement, scooped up a small handful of snow, and flung it straight at Valentina's face.

Valentina blinked, wide eyed, as the cold burst against her skin. Snow clung to her eyelashes, melted on her cheeks.

Lilith laughed, small and airy, delighted by the sparkle of surprise and irritation in Valentina's gaze.

Valentina brought her long fingers to swipe the melting snow from her face, voice low, but edged with warmth she couldn't hide. "Don't test me," she said, a soft warning woven with amusement.

Lilith's grin widened. Her chest fluttered with excitement, the thrill of getting a reaction. Every step, every glance, every playful gesture felt magnified in the snow.

She felt dangerous, in the small ways she could tease Valentina. And for the first time in hours, she let herself enjoy it fully, reveling in the warmth that had nothing to do with the date but everything to do with the woman beside her.

"Or what?" Lilith asked, tilting her head, a teasing smile playing on her lips.

"Will you punish me?" she added, gathering another handful of snow, eyes glinting with mischief. She flung it at Valentina once again.

This time, Valentina's reflex was too quick. The snow didn't hit her face—it landed against her coat instead.

"You wouldn't like it if I did."

Before Lilith could react, Valentina's long fingers pressed firmly, one hand on Lilith's stomach, the other on her back.

In a single, fluid movement, she dragged Lilith onto a patch of snow covered grass a step higher than the pavement.

Lilith gasped, her body bending in half under Valentina's control.

Valentina gathered Lilith's long hair in the hand on her back, forcing her head gently—but insistently—into the soft, powdery snow. Lilith's protests and small screams were ignored. The cold bit at her cheeks and nose, the snow melting immediately against her warm skin.

Then, with the same controlled grace, Valentina lifted her slightly, lashes dusted in snow, nose pinking from the cold.

"You're so fucking evil," Lilith exclaimed, wiping the snow from her face with the sleeve of her jacket.

"Mhm... I'm such an evil, cruel woman," Valentina replied, laughter low, almost cruel, her single finger brushing lightly against Lilith's cheek to remove a stubborn flake.

Lilith's lips trembled from cold and exhilaration. "I'm cold now," she whined softly, voice half complaint, half playful.

Valentina didn't look back. She started walking forward, slow, leaving Lilith to catch up.

Lilith skipped to match her pace, boots pressing against the fresh snow, cheeks pink from both cold and lingering excitement, her heartbeat stubbornly echoing the tension of the moment. The city seemed to shrink around them.

"Sorry for such an awful... date and birthday," Lilith murmured, her gaze fixed on the pavement rather than Valentina.

"Why? I'm satisfied," Valentina replied softly, and truly, maybe she was. Even in moments when her brow furrowed in confusion, Lilith hadn't caught any frown on her face. Only that gentle, quiet smile that lingered now, unchanging.

Lilith pouted softly, unconvinced by the words—but for once, maybe she could indulge in them, let herself believe them, even briefly.

They continued walking, the cold biting through Lilith's thin tights and jacket.

She was freezing, every muscle protesting, but it was Valentina's day, and the quiet intimacy of their shared walk, the snow swirling softly around them, made her chest feel warm.

For a moment, she thought she could stay here all night, just walking, just existing with her.

Her body, however, had its limits.

"Val—" she whined for the fifth time, stopping abruptly. Her boots scraped lightly against the pavement. "I'm freezing."

She looked up at Valentina, eyes wide, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Her hand reached out instinctively, resting palm down against Valentina's stomach, pressing lightly through the coat.

Valentina didn't look at her directly, her gaze drifting to everything beyond Lilith, the snow, the street, the lamps. She seemed entirely present in the moment, enjoying it without fuss.

"Stop whining," she murmured thoughtfully, a soft reprimand that carried no real weight, only calm observation.

Lilith's chest tightened. The woman looked beautiful—better than ever, snowflakes caught in her dark hair, cheeks flushed from the cold.

Lilith felt a small twinge of guilt for not having truly looked at her earlier, for not appreciating her fully—but now, in the quiet winter street, everything about Valentina seemed impossibly perfect.

"You should at least let me hide under your coat," Lilith pouted, her freezing fingers pink at the tips. She idly played with the one singular button on Valentina's coat, twisting it between her digits.

Valentina's gaze returned to the blonde girl, drawn to the ease with which Lilith touched her. The subtle contact, so natural and unselfconscious, made her excited in a way she didn't bother hiding. She leaned slightly closer, voice low, curious.

"Do you really want to?" she asked, not minding the possibility that Lilith might cling to her, fingers brushing against her coat, ready to slip under it.

"I was joking," Lilith whined, trying to sound casual. She tilted her head, adding softly, "But maybe we can finally go?"

Silence stretched between them. Valentina didn't move at first, her gaze traveling to the street before returning to Lilith. Slowly, her hand lifted, brushing strands of blonde hair behind the girl's ear.

Then she whispered, "I would like to get my birthday present."

Lilith froze, confusion blooming inside her.

Birthday present? She hadn't—couldn't—have prepared anything.

"Hm?" she murmured, uncertain how to respond.

"Will you run away again, Lilith?" Valentina asked, green eyes fixed on hers, fingers lingering against Lilith's cheek, tracing softly down to cup her face with gentle pressure.

"What?" Lilith breathed, startled.

"No," she added simply, firm but confused. She didn't plan on leaving. Didn't plan on letting Valentina go.

Valentina tilted Lilith's head softly, her fingers brushing against the curve of her jaw, tracing gently before settling firmly.

Then, without hesitation, she leaned in, capturing Lilith's lips in a kiss.

Lilith's eyes widened, startled for a heartbeat, before slowly closing. There was no stress, no anxiety—only the instinctual pull to return it, to press her lips against Valentina's in kind.

The second kiss landed firmer, deeper. Valentina guided Lilith with gentle authority, her hands moving with precision, one settling on Lilith's second cheek, cradling her face between both palms. Lilith's hand rose to rest lightly on Valentina's chest, feeling the warmth beneath the fabric of her coat, the subtle rise and fall of her breathing.

By the third kiss, they had found a rhythm.

Their lips moved as if choreographed by some unspoken understanding, the pace dictated entirely by Valentina's subtle shifts.

When their lips parted for a few precious seconds, it was Valentina who allowed the break, letting Lilith breathe, before capturing her again.

And then, just like that, Lilith didn't feel cold anymore. Not a trace of it. She could have stayed like that for weeks, frozen in the snow, wrapped in Valentina's presence, lost entirely in the sensation of being kissed, held, and claimed in the gentlest way.

Valentina was so attractive—not just in the way she kissed, but in how she controlled everything.

When to tilt, when to pause, when to release, when to command; every motion purposeful and intoxicating.

Lilith's heart thudded, a strange mix of awe and desire making her chest ache, but she surrendered completely.

Finally, Valentina pulled back slightly, letting their lips part, though her hands stayed pressed to Lilith's face, framing it like a private, intimate sculpture.

She smiled—not warmly, not tenderly, but sharply and excitingly, almost dangerous in its allure.

Lilith froze, mesmerized, unsure what to do with herself, her lips still tingling.

A low, almost playful laugh escaped Valentina. She leaned in again, close enough that Lilith could feel the warmth of her breath.

"Breathe," she whispered commanding, and then pressed her lips to Lilith's again in one singular, short, gentle kiss.

Lilith exhaled, heart still hammering, feeling simultaneously grounded and untethered, consumed entirely by the presence of the woman in front of herr.

Easily, both of them could forget the unnecessary dinner. The snow had done them a favor that day, almost as if it knew this moment should happen.

Maybe, in truth, the real date had begun the instant they stepped out into the night.