Page 21 of Under the Texas Sky

TRENT

Journal Entry- Day 132

Hi Freckles,

I miss you, that’s no surprise though. Everyone knows it. Maybe even you know it, somewhere deep inside that head of yours. But that’s okay. I don’t deserve to be on your mind at all, and that’s why I’ve been keeping these letters in my journal, one for every day you’ve been gone.

At first I started it because I didn’t know what else to do. I had no idea where you had gone. You disappeared, and that was the scariest moment of my life.

You weren’t answering phone calls, from me or Mitch. You weren’t at the apartment, even though your car was still sitting in the driveway. The police told me I couldn’t file a missing persons report because you’re an adult. That didn’t stop me from trying. I called the banks, the phone company, your boss, and our landlord. Nobody had heard from you.

I was going out of my mind with worry.

And then James happened, and that’s when I knew that you knew. You willingly left me and I don’t blame you.

I want to tell you it was a mistake, and it was. I regret ever stepping foot into that bar. I should have gone right to Mitch’s and done exactly what I told you I was going to do.

Instead, I made the worst mistake of my life, and brought you into it with me.

So, I have to lay it all out, once again. To get it off my chest. A list of things I’m sorry for and that I would sell every organ in my body for if it meant that I could take your pain away.

I’m sorry for the alcohol. I’m sorry for going into that bar. I’m sorry for putting your health and wellbeing at risk. I’m sorry for what I put you through when you saw that video and felt like your only option was to leave. If I could have done things differently, I never would have walked into that bar and put myself in that situation.

I should have been the one to leave, if that’s what you needed.

You need love and support, and Mitch would have provided that for you. He was so disappointed in me. I’m not sure if our relationship will ever recover. But I don’t deserve him, just like I don’t deserve you. And neither of y’all should have had to put up with my bullshit for so long.

Saying sorry isn’t enough, it will never be enough for what I put you through. I hope that wherever you are, you’re happy. That you’re healthy. That you’re living the life you’ve always wanted.

They say the stars shine bright in Texas, but without you they don’t seem as bright.

I love you. Yesterday. Today. Always.

Yours forever,

Trent.