Page 18

Eighteen

Skye knew it was late into the morning when he woke up. The blinds were drawn, and the room was dark, but he could almost feel how much time had passed. Reaching out, he found the side of the bed Rami had been curled up in empty and a little cold. His heart rose into his throat, beating out a tattoo of anxiety.

Sitting up slowly, Skye tested his equilibrium. He felt steady and stable, the vertigo all but gone apart from a little swooping sensation when he swung his legs off the bed. Then he let out a tiny cough and realized that his hearing was more muffled than usual.

This had happened before—the feeling of overstuffed ears and the high buzzing sound of his tinnitus that eventually eased up in fizzes and pops over the course of a day or two. But lingering in the back of his head was the knowledge that at some point, his hearing wouldn’t come back. Maybe he wouldn’t lose it rapidly like this—a wave all at once.

But maybe he would.

None of his doctors could predict the way it would go. When he first got his diagnosis, his ENT told him that most people didn’t lose much of their hearing. They told him only fifteen or twenty percent of people lost it in both ears. They told him what he did lose would happen very slowly, over time.

He beat the odds in all of those.

It was hard to feel as crushed about it as he had before though. Not with Rami in his life. Not with the Sins as his family. Not with the stability he thought he’d lost when his world had literally been pulled out from under his feet.

He cleared his throat again and glanced around for his phone, but he couldn’t find it. Had he left it in the living room? He struggled to remember what had happened after the auction, apart from Rami showing up and crawling into bed to hold him for the rest of the night.

After taking a piss, brushing his teeth, and getting dressed, Skye ventured out of his bedroom but found everywhere else devoid of his lover’s presence. Rami didn’t drive, so he would have had to take an Uber, and Skye would have expected Rami to wake him up. Or at least leave a damn note.

He found his phone on the floor beside the end table, and his heart sank when he realized it was dead. With groggy eyes and slow hands, he pawed around the drawer for a charger, and then when the light was blinking, he ventured outside his front door in hopes of seeing some sign of his beloved.

It only took a moment of adjusting to the low, midmorning light for him to catch a glimpse of exactly who he was looking for. Rami was across the lawn under one of the crepe myrtles, sitting beside August. They had their backs to the trunk and their heads tipped down over one of August’s massive sketchbooks.

Skye almost left them to it. This was what he wanted, after all. He wanted Rami to endear himself to his friends. He wanted Rami to find the same closeness with the Sins that he had. He wanted this place to be more than a den of iniquity. He wanted Rami to feel safe there.

But he also wanted to touch him. To kiss him. To wrap his arms around him and remind himself that this was all real.

Rami looked up when Skye was halfway across the grass, and although he didn’t smile, his eyes lit up. August followed his gaze and lifted his hand to give a short wave, his brow furrowed—clearly annoyed that Skye was interrupting them.

Skye would apologize later. Right now, he just needed to remind himself he wasn’t alone. That waking up in the bed by himself after a night like last night wasn’t an indication that Rami would eventually leave him.

Fuck, he hadn’t even realized he was afraid of that until his head voiced it.

‘Morning,’ he signed.

‘Morning, habibi.’ Rami used the same sign he had before, mouthing the word so Skye knew what it was. His chest warmed as he dropped to his knees and glanced at the work August was showing off. It was early sketches of Skye’s painting session. Several poses that August ended up hating on the canvas, but they looked not half-bad in smaller form.

Rami hooked his finger over his ear.

“Bad day,” Skye said and winced. He could barely hear himself at all.

‘Dizzy?’ Rami asked.

Skye shook his head and leaned in to take a quick kiss. ‘No. Much better. Can I cook you breakfast?’

Rami nestled a little closer and nodded, and Skye took a moment to wrap his arms around him, and he held him, basking in his sunbaked warmth. After a beat, he looked over to meet August’s gaze, who was studying them. He looked less annoyed.

‘You-you,’ August signed, pointing first at Rami, then at Skye. ‘Nice.’

Skye snorted. “Yeah. It is nice.”

August said nothing after that. He was learning ASL, but he was slower than the others. His anxiety made it hard for him to function in class, and he’d dropped two of them when the professors refused to excuse him from the Deaf event portion of the lesson.

Skye didn’t blame him. He didn’t understand what it was like to have anxiety so bad he couldn’t leave his bed, but he’d seen the way it ravaged August on his worst days. Hell, he’d seen the struggle he dealt with on his best ones.

The fact that he knew that much was enough for Skye.

‘Can I finish looking at art?’ Rami asked after a beat.

Skye nodded and tipped Rami’s chin up to kiss him. ‘I’m hungry. Come in when you’re ready.’

He took one more indulgent second to press his body against Rami’s, and then he climbed to his feet and enjoyed the sensation of grass against his arches as he made his way back to his cottage. He rounded the corner to go in the side gate when he saw Stone, Flint, and Onyx climbing into Stone’s truck. Their faces looked drawn and worried.

He thought about texting Flint to ask what was going on, but he had a feeling it was sibling business, and that wasn’t his place. They would share when they were ready. But his heart ached for everything they were trying to do for siblings who hadn’t asked to be born into the family that had mistreated them.

Skye had only heard a handful of stories from both Stone and Flint, and that was enough to make him want to find his parents and beat them until they were unrecognizable. He didn’t think either of them would appreciate that, but God, it would feel good.

Skye jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, and he spun to find Avan smirking at him.

“…it…some…you…later, right?”

With a small sigh, Skye shook his head. “Sorry, man. I can’t hear shit today.”

Avan looked worried. ‘Vertigo?’

‘Last night. Hearing’s gone today.’ He jerked his chin toward the house and saw Avan follow him out of the corner of his eye. Inside, he motioned for him to wait, and he headed into the bedroom to grab his hearing aids out of their charger. He watched for the blink, then slid the molds into his constantly sore ear canals and waited for the familiar sensation of sound opening up.

And it was there. A little. But not the way it should be. He cleared his throat a few times and hummed to test the sound of his own voice. He’d be able to get by, so long as there was absolutely no background noise. It was a hard ask, but in his cottage, he could at least control it.

Avan was in the kitchen waiting for him, a pot of coffee already brewing. Skye could have kissed him. “I hope you made enough for three.”

“I saw your man,” Avan said, stepping closer and pitching his voice in the range he knew Skye could hear best. “He looks happy.”

“Last night was somehow the shittiest and the best night ever,” Skye told him. He bit his lip, but he knew Avan was well-informed about what Rami did on his channel, so there was no point in lying. “I won the final bid.”

“Oh damn,” Avan said, whistling. “He was cool with it?”

“He asked me to. I’m going to film with him.”

Avan’s brow furrowed. “Bro, you know we can’t be seen on?—”

“Trust me,” Skye interrupted, “he’s got this down to an art. They’ll see dick in ass and nothing else that’ll identify me.”

Avan gave him a look. “You’ve got some decoration down there, man. You don’t think people will notice?”

With a snort, Skye walked over to his fridge and pulled out ingredients for a breakfast burrito. He noticed that Rami preferred savory food in the morning, and while he couldn’t woo him with generations-old cultural family recipes, he could at least do peppers, sausage, eggs, and some hot sauce.

He didn’t think Rami would mind.

“I’m being serious,” Avan warned once Skye had the ingredients laid out.

“How many sex workers, camboys, and porn stars have their dicks pierced, dude?” Skye told him. “You really think my Prince Albert is going to give me away? Besides, anyone who does recognize my dick is bound by an NDA. I’m not worried about it.”

Avan bit his lip as he watched Skye start to beat a handful of eggs in a bowl. He waited until the noise of the whisk died down to ask, “Is this going to be a thing for you two?”

Before that morning, Skye would have said no. He would have said hell no. Their contracts with the Tower didn’t explicitly forbid other sex work jobs, but there were restrictions. He could get away with it if he really wanted to, but the thought had never crossed his mind before.

He was happy where he was. At the end of the day, he wanted to do anything except have sex after a long week with clients. But he had a feeling Rami wasn’t ready to give up his channel just yet, and he found he didn’t mind the idea if it was the two of them together.

Skye could be the one to show Rami off—to torment the audience that they’d lost their chance at him and now Rami was all his. For good.

Forever.

“Wipe that look off your face. It’s disgusting.”

Skye burst into laughter and shook his head. “You staying for breakfast?”

“And cockblock my best friend? I’ll pass.” Avan walked to the counter and snagged a mug, filling it to the brim with coffee, no room for cream. He pressed a kiss to Skye’s cheek, then rested his forehead against Skye’s temple. “I love you. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“I’m happy,” Skye murmured.

“Then I fucking love this guy too.”

Skye laughed. “Don’t tell him that before I do, please.”

Avan grinned as he stepped back and sipped his coffee. “Take your time. You know I hate saying the L word more than twice a week.” He tipped his mug toward Skye, then showed himself to the door long before Rami appeared to make the perfect morning somehow, impossibly, even better.

Skye hadn’t made any plans for the afternoon because he’d expected to be at Rami’s for the day. He figured his lover would work in his art room, and he would explore the house or maybe walk around the neighborhood. Maybe he’d sit on the beach for a while with his toes right at the edge of the surf.

He felt a little lost as he stared out his dining room window, slowly demolishing his food.

Rami eventually came inside just as Skye was finishing his own breakfast, and he didn’t seem to mind that his burrito was slightly cold. He sat down at the table without saying a word, a tiny smile playing at his lips, and he sipped coffee and devoured his food like it was his last meal.

Skye couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it felt like that to him. Tonight was the night. The big night. An ending of sorts but also a beginning. Rami hadn’t wanted to talk much about it, and Skye had been in no position to question him the night before.

But he realized they couldn’t go into the live without at least having some conversation.

“Can we talk?”

Rami looked up from his empty plate. ‘Bad?’

Skye smiled, shook his head, and responded back in sign. ‘No. But tonight is big.’

Brows furrowed, it was obvious Rami was trying to make sense of what Skye meant. He’d used the sign for large when he should have used important, but before he could correct himself, Rami nodded.

‘Big changes.’

Skye sagged forward in relief that his boyfriend understood him. ‘Let’s go into the bedroom.’

Nodding, Rami stood and offered his hand, and Skye took comfort in the warm press of his fingers as they moved down the hallway. The bed was still unmade, so Skye shifted the covers back and pressed his back to the wall, Rami crawling in beside him.

He was still a little warm from sitting out in the sun, and he smelled like the outdoors. Skye took a deep breath in, then rested his temple against Rami’s curls. “Can we talk?”

“Out loud, you mean?”

Skye nodded. “My ears are still really bad today, but I need to make sure we’re both on the same page.”

“Mm.” Rami took Skye’s hand and began to play with his fingers—tapping his fingertips, tracing lines on the insides of the knuckle bends, running his thumb over Skye’s nails. “Good page, right?”

“I hope one of the best pages in the book of our life,” Skye told him. “I know you’ve been struggling with the channel ending.”

Rami let out a breath, and though Skye couldn’t hear it, he could feel the tremble of his exhale. “I don’t know why.”

Skye pulled back and looked down at Rami. “I think you do.”

Rami looked angry for a brief second, and then his face crumpled. Skye felt a surge of panic, like maybe he’d touched a raw nerve and fucked this all up. Then Rami curled against him. “What good am I?”

Skye’s entire body startled at the question. “Wait. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t…I have nothing. I have this house that I should have sold because I can’t afford to keep it up,” Rami said, his voice trembling. “I’m too…I’m too fucking Autistic to work the way my parents want me to work. I’ve tried, and I get fired every time because I’m weird and strange and socially awkward. I have one skill that won’t ever pay my bills, and I can’t keep relying on someone to pull me out of a financial hole.” Rami squeezed his eyes shut. “But I was good at this. At making people want a naked body that has only ever been ridiculed and mocked.”

Skye’s soul ached to be able to leave his own body and wrap around Rami’s, protecting him from the pain he’d felt in the past. “Sweetheart…”

“I wasn’t a virgin on purpose,” Rami said. “I was a virgin because, before you, no one wanted me for me. If they wanted to sleep with me, it was because they wanted to see what it felt like to be with a man who had two penises. They wanted to watch me touch myself and see if my pleasure was as odd and different as I was. Like I was some sort of carnival attraction. But online, I was…I was something else.”

“You are something else,” Skye told him firmly. “If you need hundreds of people telling you that you’re worth it in order to feel like you’re worth something to the world…”

Rami looked up, his jaw tense, eyes full of fire. “Then what? What if I do need it? Does that make me pathetic?”

Skye met his gaze. “No. Not even a little bit. And I will be there with you. I’ll help you however you need help. As long as no one recognizes me, I can be on your channel with you if that’s the direction you want to go. Or I can help you set up scenes. We can come up with clever auctions for people to bid on that won’t cross your personal boundary lines. Or mine.”

Rami’s chin wobbled for a second, and then he swallowed heavily. “That wasn’t what I thought you were going to say.”

Skye’s brow furrowed deeply. “What did you think I was going to say?”

“That I was a joke if my self-worth was rooted in the admiration of anonymous strangers,” Rami told him honestly.

Skye held back a startled laugh. He cupped Rami’s cheek and rubbed his thumb along his jaw. “First of all, I’m the last person who could ever judge you for needing that kind of validation. Secondly, never once in the weeks of knowing you have I ever thought you were a joke. Or pathetic.”

Rami took a beat. “I don’t need the admiration of strangers for self-worth. I know I’m worthy. But I don’t know how much I can ever contribute without this. I’m nowhere near as talented as August. I’ll never have an art gallery.”

Skye turned his body so he was almost on his side, and he tugged Rami against him. “I will buy you a goddamn gallery if you want one. And I would offer you mountains of money, but I know you won’t take them.”

“Well…you never mentioned mountains before.”

Skye reared back, then burst into laughter at the glint in Rami’s eye. “Fine. Not mountains. But I do have enough to take care of us both for the rest of our lives if that’s something you want to think about down the road. But I know you need to be independent too.”

Rami’s lips twitched into a mostly there smile. “I don’t want to be under anyone’s financial control.”

“So what if you keep your channel for a while? Until we take our relationship to the next step. Then you can work on your art or see if there’s something else you can do to earn money without needing to worry about bills. You’ll have enough in savings by then that if you need to leave me for whatever reason, you can.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

Skye held him tighter. “I don’t want you to either. But neither one of us have…ah…what’s that word for seeing the future?”

“Clairvoyant. Like Cassandra,” Rami murmured.

Skye had a vague idea about who that was. Some ancient…Greek? Roman? She gave accurate prophecies, and everyone thought she was insane. “We have no idea what’s going to happen, but the only thing that matters is you feel safe and secure both with me and without.”

“I…don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect that.” Rami turned and rubbed his face against Skye’s arm. “Can I have some time to think about everything?”

“However much you need. I just wanted you to know that I’m here. However you want me.”

“All the ways,” Rami said, then tipped his face up. “I want you all the ways. Kiss me, please.”

It was the easiest yes Skye had ever given.