Page 24 of Too Sweet
My eyes find Kylian’s. His steady gaze snaps me back to reality.
I am here. This is now.
I’ll never be in a situation like that again. I’ll make sure of it. They’ll make sure of it. But that doesn’t mean all the grief I feel for the little girl who had to be so strong and callous just to survive isn’t valid.
When Kylian’s icy blue irises stay fixed on mine—holding me steady, reminding and assuring me I’m safe—I finally break. The tears I’ve been trying to hold back burst through me like a geyser.
He sidles up to my free side, pressing me into Nicky and soothingly stroking my hair. I let myself feel it, I let myself be soft and vulnerable, because I know between the four of them, they can handle it.
I sob for what feels like hours, though I suspect only a few minutes have actually passed. When I finally settle, I wipe my snotty nose on Nicky’s hoodie sleeves and take the deepest breath I’ve taken all day.
“Our Valentine’s Day class party was on a Thursday, right before a long weekend. There were twenty-two kids in my class including me, plus the teacher. I brought home one cupcake, and that plus whatever was still edible in the fridge in our trailer was all I had to eat until classes resumed four days later. I didn’t see my mom at all that weekend. I don’t think I ever saw her on any of my birthdays again.”
I sniffle, more angry than sad when I let the reality of her choices sink in. I wipe a stray tear from my face, upset with myself that I fell about just now.
That’s the thing about trauma—I never know how it’s going to rear its head, just that it’s not going to feel good when it happens.
“I understand my reaction earlier upset you.” My focus shifts to my husband; I know him well enough to know he took my rejection the hardest. “But I hate this day. It’s always been marked with fear or disappointment. I hate those memories, and I hate the reminder of how helpless I was back then.”
“You were a child,” Decker seethes.
I shrug out of Nicky’s and Kylian’s embraces to close the space between us.
“I know,” I assure my husband as I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my chin on his sternum.
His arms find their rightful place around my waist. His hands splay wide on my low back, pinning my body to his.
“I can’t just flip a switch and change how I feel, though, Cap. I don’t want to have to fake it with you,” I tell him sincerely. “With any of you,” I add, looking to each of my guys. “I don’t like my birthday for very valid reasons. I might grow to like it eventually… but I can’t promise that. I think it’s going to takeyears of low-key, non-drama February fourteenths for me to truly embrace this day.”
They’re all quiet, which gives me hope I got through.
“Thank you for sharing that with us,” Kendrick tells me, holding out his hand.
I willingly take it, but Decker doesn’t release me right away. Instead, he kisses my forehead and gives me a sorrowful frown, though he does then reluctantly let me go.
When I step into Kendrick’s embrace, another wave of security washes over me.
I am here. This is now. And this is a very good place to be.
“I still want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you,” I tell them, resting my cheek against K’s chest. “This weekend was off to an amazing start, and I’m so happy to be here. I just don’t want to make it about my birthday, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay,” Kylian replies. He looks to the others but doesn’t give them time to object. “What do you need right now, baby?”
I press my lips together, thinking. “The balloons and decorations are gone?”
“Every single one,” he confirms.
Decker adds, “I can take out the trash so you don’t see them again. I’ll wipe down all the counters. Clear out all the evidence.”
I silently laugh against K’s chest. My husband is a stubborn, obstinate man. But once he finally gets it, he really fucking gets it.
A yawn catches me by surprise.
“How about a bath, Mama?” Kendrick offers. “That way you can relax while Cap does a thorough sweep of the scene of the crime.”
I have to fight back another laugh. “That sounds like heaven.”
Chapter 13