Page 31 of To Tempt Lady (Victorian Outcasts #10)

twenty-nine

Emma didn’t know what to think anymore.

After she’d returned from the walk, she’d retired to her study, but found it difficult to concentrate.

Could Marcus be a rake? It wasn’t difficult to imagine him pursued by ladies, but it was difficult to imagine him taking advantage of that. Considering he’d been starving and living on the streets for years, when would he have had time to seduce women and have one assignation after another?

He hadn’t lied to her that morning in the park, but he hadn’t been honest either.

She pushed aside the letters she needed to answer. Besides, with her precious typewriter broken, she had to write pages upon pages by hand.

Her concentration was so low a headache started to bother her. She propped her elbows on the escritoire and rested her forehead on her hands. Everything was going so well with Marcus until that moment.

“Emma?” Marcus’s deep voice made her lift her head. “May I talk to you?”

She straightened, ready for whatever he had to confess. “Take a seat.”

He exhaled before closing the door behind him and sitting on the sofa in front of her. “I suppose you have questions after today.”

She shifted towards the edge of the chair. “I do”

He ran his palms over his thighs but didn’t say anything. She waited, a nagging feeling at the back of her neck. He must have had many lovers.

“Let’s start with Lady Beaumont,” she said to help him talk. “You said you weren’t her lover.”

“I wasn’t. Not exactly.”

There was a long pause, and she didn’t prompt him. The way he ran his palms over his thighs and his shifting gaze made her realise that was the first time she’d seen him so nervous.

He cleared his throat. “In the past years, I did everything I could to survive.” He gave her a pointed look as if she were supposed to figure out everything by those few words.

“Do you mean stealing? I don’t blame you for having stolen a wallet.”

“No, it’s not stealing although I tried that, and it didn’t work. I’m a terrible thief.” He chuckled nervously. He was always so confident that watching him fidget upset her.

“What is it then? You didn’t kill anyone. I’m sure of that.”

“No, not that either.” He sucked in a deep breath. “I was such a disaster at thievery that I found myself starving for long periods when I couldn’t find any leftover food behind the restaurants.”

She put a hand on her chest. Thinking of Marcus rummaging through the waste container for food was as painful as a punch. “I wish I’d been there for you in those moments.”

“You were with me,” he said with such certainty she released a breath. His unsure voice was replaced by pure steel. “Always.”

“You can tell me anything. What happened to you?”

“I was desperate. Those were dark days. I thought I was going to die of hunger a hundred times. Once, I fainted when I was crossing a railway, and by chance a train didn’t kill me. So I had to do something not to die. I…”

She reached out to touch his hand, but he stiffened. “What is it?”

“It’s difficult for me. I don’t know how to say it in a polite way.”

“Be blunt then. I’m not made of glass. You can tell me everything. I won’t judge you. You know that.”

He took a deep breath and said in a low tone, “I got paid to bed women.”

“What do you…oh!” She remained frozen for a moment. Even her thoughts were still.

He didn’t add anything else, giving her time to fully understand the implications of his confession. The fire crackling filled the silence for a few moments.

“In a disorderly house?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I did everything on my own.”

“I didn’t imagine that.”

All the thoughts that had crammed her mind a moment ago vanished. Her mind became blank.

He swallowed hard a couple of times. “Neither did I. But when the opportunity presented itself, I took it.” He lowered his gaze. His voice lowered as well. “What are you thinking? You can tell me everything, too.”

She licked her dry lips as visions of Marcus in bed with other women flashed across her mind. They hurt for many reasons. Not simply because she was jealous, something she’d just learnt about herself, but because those women had taken advantage of a starving man for their own pleasure.

“Was Lady Beaumont one of those ladies?”

“Yes. She was one of the repeat customers. She was actually my first one. I met her at the market when I found a temporary job as a vendor’s helper. She fancied me for some reason and proposed a deal to me. I refused at first, but I needed the money.”

“And Lady Redfern?”

He gave her a grave nod. “She was one of my ladies, too.”

“Oh dear.” She pressed two fingers to her temples. Now Lady Beaumont’s words made a lot of sense. And Lady Redfern’s, too. “They think I keep you here as my exclusive mister. They think you’re here only to…” She couldn’t complete the sentence.

The thought of her taking advantage of Marcus’s precarious situation made her want to cast up her accounts. If those ladies thought her capable of something like that, then they would do that themselves. But another terrible thought worked its way through her mind.

She swallowed a couple of times. “So what happened between us, the kisses…”

“No.” He pressed his lips together. “I wasn’t trying to make you pay for that.

I swear on what is left of my honour, my attraction to you is genuine.

Try me. Ask me to do anything you want to prove myself.

I’ll do it. But please do not doubt my feelings.

They’re the only things that kept me sane through those moments because they separated who I was from what I was doing. ”

“I know, sorry, I didn’t mean…I shouldn’t have thought that.” She exhaled, rubbing her brow. His words struck something in her heart and let it hum. The longing she felt couldn’t be mistaken for simple attraction. “I was wondering if you enjoyed those moments as much as I did.”

“I did. Do not doubt that. That life took away a lot from me, including my dignity, but not my honesty, and I’m the master of my heart.”

She stretched out her arm to hold his hand, but he didn’t take it.

His grey eyes became distant. “I understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me after that. I just ask you to let me stay until we solve the situation with Sir Horace, and Jesse—”

“Marcus, I don’t want you to leave. Never.”

Disbelief hardened his features. “You don’t care about my past?”

“I do, but not in the way you think.” His sorrow had cleared her mind, and it didn’t take much digging on her part to know she wanted him in her life.

How could she let him go when the thought of not seeing him again caused her such pain?

“I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. It must have been horrible.”

“Sometimes it was. But I have to be honest. There were times when I could have said no, but I didn’t. It was my choice.”

“No,” she said. “If the choice was between dying of starvation and being paid, it wasn’t a choice at all. Those women took advantage of your poverty.”

“Yes, but had I been a better thief, I wouldn’t have taken that path.”

“How does that make any difference?”

He scratched his forehead. “I’m not sure. I’m talking nonsense. As I said, it’s difficult to explain how it was. It wasn’t pleasant but not extremely repulsive, either. Sometimes it was, but not always.”

She rose and sat next to him. He stared at her with scared eyes. She’d never seen him so worried, aside from the night of the storm.

“Nothing has changed for me,” she said.

He was shivering. “But you understand what it means, don’t you?

If my past comes out and you’re seen with me, it will reflect badly for you.

They’ll make rumours about you, nasty ones.

I’m used to that, but it’s a fate I wouldn’t ever wish upon you.

Emma, I think it would be better if I left this house. ”

“No.” She gripped his hands tightly. “No one wants a scandal like that to spread. Lady Beaumont and Lady Redfern would never blabber about you.”

He laced his fingers through hers, a shiver going through him. “I can face anything as long as I won’t lose you.”

“That’s never going to happen.”

“You can be honest. If you want me to leave, I understand.”

“I don’t care what you did to survive. I mean it.

I’m just sorry for what you had to endure.

” She drew in a shaky breath. “The thought of you starving and desperate horrifies me.” Only compassion filled her heart.

“I understand now why the night you arrived here, you jumped to the conclusion I wanted to use you like they had.”

He worked his jaw. “Yes. I’m used to paying for food and shelter with a tumble.”

She stiffened at the crudeness of his words.

“You need to know the whole of me before you make a decision. Compassion is one thing, but you might change your mind about kissing me again.”

Could she renounce him and the way he made her feel? No. “Knowing what happened to you is a shock. I’m not going to lie. But that part of your life is over. You won’t have to do that anymore.”

“As usual, you’re hopeful and certain the future will only hold good things.” He smiled but sadly.

“I don’t want to hear words of caution. We’ll find a way to be together.”

He kissed her knuckles, lingering with his lips on her skin. The usual flutter in her lower belly flickered and spread warmth through her body. She wondered if Lady Beaumont had felt the same way when Marcus had kissed her. That thought was squashed immediately.

She didn’t want to think about that, about all the women who had been with him. He was with her now, of his own free will. He wanted to be with her. That was all that mattered.

“I’m glad you told me the truth,” she said.

He kissed her fingers. “Thank you for not throwing me out.”

“We have a deal, remember? I break things, you repair them.”

He stroked her hand with the rough pad of his thumb. “By the way, your typewriter is as good as new. I repaired it this afternoon.”

“Good.” She caressed his hand in turn, wondering how his strong fingers would feel on her naked skin. “I’ll inspect it later in the empty library to make sure everything works when no one is around.”

“Sensible choice.”