Page 24 of ‘Til I Say When

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been pacing, but if I had to guess, I would say it had been at least ten minutes.

When I got the news about Drew and Wilde, my heart dropped.

I had actually wished death on Drew, and I was mad at myself.

Of course, he would have died regardless, and my words had nothing to do with it. But still…

I put so much energy into hating him that I was almost shocked that his death saddened me.

It just reminded me that I was still human despite all that Drew had put me through.

I was also worried about Wilde. I wanted to call him so bad, but I wasn’t sure what condition he was in.

Showing up at the hospital even crossed my mind, but I didn’t know if I should.

Even if it was fake, we’d been seen out in public together before, and I met his family.

Me showing up at the hospital wouldn’t be the oddest thing in the world.

Unless people think I’m the cause of it .

That thought slammed into my brain and made me feel queasy.

Finally, I sat down. With trembling hands, I grabbed my cell phone and went to social media.

That place was better than the news. It had all the local gossip.

I scrolled until I came across a post from Drew’s cousin.

He had posted an old picture of him and Drew at the club, and the caption read: When are niggas going to stop beefing over bitches?

My people not here no more, and that bitch still gon’ be living life spreading her legs. SMH. Rest in peace to the real.

Of course, people were saying that Drew and Wilde were beefing over me.

Of course, it was going to be my fault. My sadness turned into anger because why was this put on me?

They were beefing way before I even knew who Wilde was.

Wilde didn’t strike me as a social media kind of person, but he needed to clear things up.

My annoyance was enough to make me grab my car keys and walk out the door.

According to the news, it had been ten hours since the shootings occurred.

When the article listed the names of the deceased, Wilde wasn’t one of them.

I prayed he was still alive and in good condition.

The smell of hospitals made me nauseous.

I hated them. I hated how people could be admitted because they were sick or simply not feeling their best and never make it back home.

My nerves were on ten as I walked down the long corridor.

I noticed Wilde’s mother and grandmother outside his room door before I reached the room.

When I got closer, they looked over at me and smiled.

“Hey, baby,” his grandmother spoke first then his mother.

“Hi.” I smiled at both of them. I could smell the alcohol seeping out of his mother’s pores. They didn’t appear angry with me, so that made me feel a little better. “I came to see how Wilde is doing.”

His grandmother sighed. “He’s Wilde. Grumpy as hell. He doesn’t like taking medication, so he’s trying to fight through the pain without it, and he’s ill as a rattle snake.” She shook her head. “We’re about to go visit Pierre. He just out of surgery.”

“Tell him I said hello.” I gave them a small smile and slowly pushed Wilde’s door open. He could be an asshole when he wasn’t in pain, so I braced myself for what was to come.

His head was propped up on two pillows, and he was watching television with a slight scowl on his face.

“Hey.” I spoke in a soft tone.

“What up, G?”

My eyes darted over his body. His shoulder was bandaged. He appeared alert and pretty stable, so that was a relief. I walked over to the bed. “What happened?”

“I was chilling in Pierre’s lil’ trap spot, and niggas just came through the door bussin’ their guns.

My shit was in the car, so all I could do was hit the floor, but I got hit in the process.

They didn’t know there was someone in the back of the house, so our people came out shooting, and shit went left. ”

“Drew’s people are saying he died behind beefing over pussy. I knew this was going to happen.”

“Fuck them,” Wilde spat. “Who cares what they think?”

“I do because it’s my name on the line. You and Drew had beef before me. And the whole idea of us was fabricated by you. It’s not fair that it’s falling back on me, and now I look like a hoe that messed with her ex’s enemy.”

“Peep this, G,” Wilde flicked the tip of his nose.

“I got shot twice because that pussy nigga came for me. Our beef is behind him lying on my cousin. I’m the one in a hospital bed, and if people really want to think I was beefing with that man over a female, let their slow, simple asses think that. I couldn’t care less.”

“Well, we’re two different people.”

“Fuck out my face on that bullshit, G,” he growled. “I’m in pain, and you in this muhfucka talking stupid. Fuck that dead ass nigga and fuck his family. Don’t speak another word to me about Drew or what people are saying.”

I glared at him with my nostrils flaring for a few seconds before pivoting and leaving the room.

Wilde made me mad enough to spit nails sometimes.

How was I wrong because I didn’t want my character tarnished due to a silly game that he wanted to play.

I was over the entire situation and even though he was a certified asshole, I was glad that Wilde was going to be okay.

Knowing him hadn’t been completely bad because he pushed me to stop drinking lean.

It took four days for me to completely feel like myself again.

Four days of sweating, being irritable, not having an appetite, and having the runs.

Four days of what felt like the flu on steroids.

There were even times I’d be falling asleep, and my body would jerk, making me wake up abruptly.

I wasn’t sure what that was about, but my lesson had been learned.

I never wanted another sip of lean for as long as I lived. The sight of Sprite even disgusted me.

I could honestly see why it was hard for so many people to stop abusing drugs and alcohol.

Deciding to stop wasn’t the hard part. It was the withdrawals that would make a person change their mind and go back to using.

I had been so focused on the symptoms of withdrawals that I hadn’t had time to be sad or depressed, but I was feeling better, and I knew I would have my days.

I was trying to be proactive and learn how to handle my emotions in healthy ways.

Drinking alcohol wasn’t something that I was giving up, but I was for sure going to only drink in moderation and not to numb myself.

I refused to trade in one bad habit for another.

It had been a week since I had any codeine, weed, or alcohol, and I felt pretty good.

That is, until I got the news about Drew and Wilde.

I would just have to develop thick skin because I knew Wilde wasn’t going to clear anything up. People were going to think whatever they wanted to think, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

The next evening, KoKo was sitting on the floor in my living room, and I was cutting out her weave.

KoKo had been at my apartment for a total of twenty minutes, and she was unusually quiet.

Normally, if something was bothering her, she didn’t hesitate to tell me what it was, but she was keeping it in, and I wasn’t going to pry.

I was sure that she was worried about Pierre.

Even if they weren’t serious, I could tell that KoKo really liked him, and I hated that.

I loved KoKo, but I had taken a liking to Nina, and I didn’t think I was wrong for that.

I could meet new people and make new friends. That was a normal part of life.

“I’m not drinking because I just got over the stomach flu,” I lied. “But, I’ll fix you a drink if you want something.”

“No, I’m good,” KoKo replied in a somber tone as her phone rang, and she almost broke her thumb answering the call. “Hello?” her voice was full of hope. “What you mean? I’ve been calling because I was worried, and it’s not like I could come up there.”

She was talking to Pierre.

“Oh, so now she’s been answering your phone. You know what? I don’t give a damn. I know Nina has your kids, but you give her way too much authority over your life for you and her not to be fucking.”

I could hear Pierre yelling through the phone, but I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying.

“Now y’all back together?” she chuckled angrily. “Well, tell that goofy bitch you have a baby on the way.” KoKo ended the call, and my heart slammed into my ribcage.

I prayed she was lying, but when she jumped up and ran to the bathroom, I knew she wasn’t.

I was so disappointed, and it wasn’t because I liked Nina.

I just wanted better for my friend, and Pierre wasn’t it.

He may have been a toxic liar, but it seemed as if Nina was his person, and they had an unhealthy connection that no one else could disrupt.

I gave KoKo a few minutes to herself, and then I went to go check on her.

Using my knuckles, I tapped the bathroom door.

“Hey, boo. You good?”

KoKo didn’t give a verbal response, but after a few seconds, she opened the door with red eyes. “I’m so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, KoKo. You just fell for a man. We’ve all been there. Do you know what you want to do just yet?”

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the tiniest sting.

Wilde had a baby on the way that he didn’t want.

Now, here KoKo was crying about being pregnant by a man that was in a relationship and already had kids, yet I kept miscarrying the babies that I wanted.

The situation wasn’t about me, however, and I needed to get out of my feelings.

“You know I’ve had two abortions in the past. I said I’d never do it again.”

“Whatever you decide, I’m here. Just try not to stress. Okay?”

KoKo nodded. “Thank you. Because you tried to warn me, and here I am, looking dumb.”

I chuckled. “You remember the relationship I used to be in? With all the chances I gave Drew, I can’t judge anybody. You’re still my boo, and if you have this baby, it’ll be my boo, too.”

That got a small smile out of KoKo. I didn’t want to think about the drama that would ensue between Nina and Pierre if she found out that KoKo was pregnant.

I didn’t have anything to do with any of it, but the deeper things got with KoKo and Pierre, being around Nina would be odd.

I didn’t even want to think about it. KoKo went back into the living room, and I finished taking her weave out.

We sat in silence for a while. I didn’t know what to say.

“Have you talked to Wilde?” KoKo spoke over her shoulder.

“I went to visit him, and I told him that people were saying that him and Drew were beefing over me. He pretty much told me that he didn’t care.

I don’t know what I even expected out of him.

Wilde doesn’t strike me as the type to clear up rumors.

It’s messed up, but there’s nothing I can do about it. ”

“Anybody that’s out there in the field for real knows that they were beefing before you were ever even seen with Wilde. People are going to talk regardless. We already had this conversation. As long as none of them attempt to step to you, it doesn’t matter what they say.”

She was right, but it was also easy for her to say.

Just like it was easy for me to tell her not to stress the situation with Pierre.

It was much easier to give advice than to use it.

Drew might still be alive if he hadn’t run up in Pierre’s spot.

His actions had absolutely nothing to do with me, and I was going to take the advice I was being given and stop worrying about it.

Half of the people running their mouths were Drew’s people, and they only knew what he told them.

I doubted he would admit to being a verbally abusive cheater.

And, I also doubted that he would have admitted to lying on Wilde’s cousin.

When I was done with KoKo’s hair, she curled up on my couch, and we ate snacks while watching a movie.

She dozed off near the end of the movie, and I wasn’t sure if I should wake her up or get her a blanket.

Deciding on the latter, I got a blanket from my closet and covered her with it.

When I was done taking a shower, she was still knocked out on the couch.

I got ready for bed and snuggled up underneath my covers.

I refused to dislike Nina. I also didn’t agree with what KoKo did, but I would never turn my back on her.

I just had to hope and pray that things would work themselves out.