Page 20

Chapter twenty

Darkness Within

T he queen was dying, the prince was broken, and the Shade was distant at best—angry at worst. Previously, anger had meant my father’s harsh words, outbursts, and flailing hands. Anger meant pain and the shame of yet another failure to perform. At the castle, I would immediately work to settle the hurt feelings, soothe their anger with my sweetness, and placate them with some work or tea or a quick apology as if the conflict had been all my fault. When it came to the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses to fear, I was definitely the latter. But look where that had landed me. Still rejected, still offered on a platter, and as unhappy as I’d ever been. Seeing Leon dredged up the memories of that night, of his royal public distance, of his brutal withdrawal of friendship. I still wanted what was best for him, since I could see who he could be, who he should be. My failing before was not seeing accurately who he was.

If I had accepted reality, and not brushed over it, would I have ended up at the seer’s cauldron? Would I have been cast out earlier? Perhaps sent to the village to make it on my own? Only the stars knew, I supposed, what might have been.

Ironically, here at the manor, I finally felt flashes of myself, brief moments of joy and purpose, and less fractured as I was no longer passing out pieces of myself like crumbs from the last piece of bread. But was this my new opportunity to go back to the castle? To make things right with the queen? Leon had apologized after all, and he did look quite contrite, even if it still felt…insecure.

The prince had always followed his father, desperate for his love and approval. And who wouldn’t? Stars above knew that I wanted my father’s approval as well. As long as the king regent’s edicts moved with the sway of popular opinion, it was almost too easy to explain away the injustice of Leon’s actions. Especially as I considered the sweet queen I so deeply loved. The thought of her death was like losing my mother all over again.

Yet…I came back inside. I didn’t follow Leon. And, if I was being honest, I didn’t want to return to the castle. No one looked down on me here…well, except for Jamison. But he was a bat, and a bit of a grouch, and who really knew why he grumped at me anyway. The truth was, I wanted to be here.

I wandered through the halls, idly checking for the shadows that surely would be whipping about if he was as angry as the feeling in my chest suggested. When the hallway darkened at the end, near the room of books, I paused. I was more curious than scared, but I didn’t want to fawn anymore when I hadn’t done anything wrong in the first place.

I slipped down another hall, moving with purpose toward another window seat in the castle. He could calm down. And he could find me. I wanted to grow into this budding creature that felt more like me. I wanted to try something new, as nerve-racking as it might be. And certainly, I was not going to take responsibility for his emotions. I had enough of my own to muddle through. As I wandered past the dining room, I swore that my necklace seemed brighter. But then I noticed a few more of the lamps were on, enlightening the whole space. I peered at them. What was he playing at, lighting up the halls?

The Shade did always tell me to do whatever I wanted. So, naturally, I just had to figure out what I truly wanted. So…what did I want? I wanted to help the queen, of course. And to be with…Chef. And to stay. And to…be seen for me.

Sunlight streamed in through the window and filtered to the stone floor. Beyond the pane, a lovely green expanse of flowers stood in contrast to the red rocks around us. Across the garden was the gate, and I couldn’t see any of the rats from earlier.

What an exercise of trust that had been, holding his hand, seeing through his magic. Surely, as connected as we were, I would have felt if he was as evil as the people claimed. At this point, I knew better.

A strong surge of emotion jolted me to awareness a moment before I felt his presence behind me.

“Rehearsing a route back to your prince, Dayspring?”

His voice was low and should have been sharper, but instead, it sounded full of morose acceptance. I slowly turned around. His steps were even and lithe, coiled and graceful. I felt hunted; I ignored the thrill. That couldn’t be healthy.

“He’s not my prince.” Obviously. I’d already run away from him once.

The Shade huffed. His shadows were only a few feet around him, languidly moving even as his black brows darkened the green of his eyes. “He seems to think so.”

I peered at him, offended until I realized I recognized this feeling of his in my chest. My lips pulled into a wide, understanding grin. “Are you… Are you jealous?”

He recoiled as if I’d slapped him. “Never. ”

I stepped forward again, hunting him this time. “Then why did Prince Leon get under your skin?”

“He didn’t.”

A step closer. “Then why did you huff off?”

“Death does not huff.”

“Why did you storm inside?” I stood before him now, the shadows shifting my tunic as I turned my face toward his. My boldness surprised me. But I was done being walked on, done being prey, done with the past. Done with fawning. I knew in the core of my being that even though the Shade was angry—perhaps with Leon—his anger was not a threat to me or my person. His hands were still, his anger self-contained, even as I felt it boiling within him, and his words kept under control.

I reached a hand slowly to his cravat, moving the silk under my fingertips and straightening the end. He swallowed, and I glanced back up at his face. Tortured. Aching… Wanting?

“Shade?”

“I don’t want him to take you.” His voice was barely a whisper. “He had over a decade with you, and then he tried to sacrifice you. He doesn’t deserve you.” He hesitated as if considering his words. “He made his choice.”

“But?”

“But you are not a possession, Aelia.” His jaw locked as he gritted out the rest. “You have the freedom to choose, and I will not restrict that freedom. You may use your own discernment, a rare and precious thing. If you want to go, you may. You had a life there.”

My chest flooded with pleasure and relief. The contrast between the men in my life had never been more obvious. This man was nothing like I’d expected him to be. But I still couldn’t reconcile the man I’d met in the ballroom with the one standing before me. “Shade, why did you kill those guards?”

His face darkened further, and his irises flooded with black. “They broke in. They slaughtered the wolf cubs. The mother barely made it out alive despite killing one of the guards. Only one cub survived—her mother was the gray one that came with us today.” And the cub was the one that had run out after Leon left. My heart ached. He took a deep breath. “They went after the other creatures, set the rooms on fire to smoke out everyone. They would have killed them all, destroyed the plants… And worse yet, Uncle Koll was in the upstairs kitchen baking. They blocked the door. He barely made it out alive.”

Horrified, my own anger flamed. I would have killed them myself.

I wasn’t confident if I thought it or said the words aloud, but the Shade peered suspiciously. “Oh, really? You would have?”

I nodded, though I choked as I imagined nearing that last brutal step. “That’s awful.”

“It was awful.” His hand trailed down my shoulder, to my elbow, and pulled my hand into his. “You may think me a monster, Dayspring, but I only ever defend what is mine.” His eyes flashed at that last word.

“I don’t think you’re a monster, Shade.”

A wry eyebrow lifted. “Then what am I?” He paced forward, forcing me to take a step back. “A menace?” Another step. “A fiend?” My back hit the wall, yet again, oh so miserably trapped beneath the intensity of his gaze and the power of his presence.

I basked in it.

My necklace seemed to glow brighter, reflecting his eyes as his shadows crept around us and hid us from the rest of the world. Oh, what would it be like to stay here forever? My neck itched as I regretted for the first time that this man didn't have a bondmark. If only fate would be so clear.

“Penny for your thoughts, Dayspring?”

“Tell me what you want—like deep down, in your soul, want?” I asked. His eyes traced every detail of my face, his lips pressed together before parting—more luscious than before. I flushed, and I quickly added, “Emotionally.”

He smirked, seeming to be aware of my thoughts. His dark voice dipped lower. “I want—”

I backpedaled, panicking. “Platonically, like from a family member.”

“Really?” When I nodded, he continued. “I want…” His hand brushed past the mark on my neck and threaded through my hair, pulling me closer. My lips buzzed, hot with the breath from my tight lungs. “Lunch.”

My breath left in an awkward exhale. “That’s not emotional.”

“What’s an emotion?”

“Shade!”

“No tell me, I’ve heard of such things, but they seem mysterious and magical.” He chuckled, clearly joking, yet I was unhappy. “Lunch meets both physical and emotional needs and is also mostly platonic.” His eyes drifted down to my lips and back. “At least, it used to be platonic.”

I laughed and patted him on the chest, pulling slightly on his collar. The heat between us intensified. I whispered, “And what if I took out the qualifiers?”

He leaned forward, his breath tickling my ear. “I know what I want, Dayspring.” His shadows twirled, and his pine scent flooded my senses. “The real question remains: What do you want? ”

My gaze fell to his lips before I dragged them back up to his eyes. “Firstly, I want to stay here.” His smile was as radiant as the moon on the snow, the soft shards of light from my necklace glowed beneath our faces. “Secondly, I too would be okay with eating lunch.” His other hand pulled on my hip, derailing all logical thought. “And fourthly—”

“Thirdly.”

I ignited the few remaining brain cells I had left. “ Lastly , I would be okay if you kissed me again.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled back a bit. “Just okay?”

“Yes?”

“We only do all or nothing around here, Dayspring.”

I paused, then closed my eyes before saying words that shouldn’t be so difficult. “I want you to kiss me.”

He moved toward me, and my lips burst with prickles of anticipation. His body crowded mine, the temperature of my skin between us as hot as the sun that beat on our clothes through the window. My breath hitched as he approached. His breath was minty; it tickled my cheek. My fingers twisted in the collar of his shirt. He came closer until…he dropped a warm kiss upon my nose.

The Shade pulled back, pressing his hand on the wall behind me. His breaths were ragged as he set his forehead on mine. Eventually he stood up straight and tugged on my hand. His emotions were a riotous mix within me. “Never kiss on an empty stomach.”

“I’m certain that’s not a rule,” I whined as I pulled him back toward me. A sudden thought made me pause . He doesn’t really want me. But that only elicited another laugh from the Shade.

“Oh, I want you, Dayspring, let me be very clear about that. But first, food. Then a nap for both of us after the stress of the day.” He paused, and his touch was warm as his hands held one of mine. “I want you to be certain. I also don’t want to play second fiddle to any other man. Not that you’d intentionally do that,” he added when he saw me protest. “You have moved too often, too long under the whims and wills of other people. I want you to choose with your whole being, Dayspring, whatever that may be. I want to see you thriving, settled, and self-assured first.”

I nearly stomped my foot. “I want this. I want the kissing—”

“My lips await.” He squeezed my hand, flooding me with reassurance. “But I am a patient man.”

I grumbled as I determined that I was, in fact, not patient.

Not patient at all.