Page 76 of Through the Storms

Or it might break her, but Riley certainly couldn’t say that. Slowly, Riley turned.

Chloe’s eyes held a mixture of compassion and sadness. “It’s okay. You can tell me.” She gave Riley a slight smile and took Riley’s hands in hers.

Riley held Chloe’s gaze for a couple of beats and then looked down at their interlocked fingers. “I was hiding in the closet. My biological dad was drunk again. His rage always boiled just under the surface, and it didn’t take much for him to erupt.”

Riley sighed. She needed to get through the story as unemotionally as possible. If she let her emotions take hold, she’d likely be sobbing, which she refused to do in front of Chloe.

“I don’t know what set him off that night or any other night for that matter. I had a little cubby hole in my closet.” Riley let out a snort. “Stupid kid. I thought it would keep me safe.” Her eyes brimmed with tears. “I could never figure out why my mom wouldn’t just hide in there with me until he calmed down.”

Chloe’s eyes softened, and she squeezed Riley’s hands.

“I was in there with Mr. Poppers, my teddy bear. I was reading him a Dr. Seuss book.” Riley gave Chloe a half smile. “Actually, I couldn’t concentrate enough to read, so I was just making up a story by looking at the pictures. It’s what I did to block out the sound. The screams.”

Without thinking, Riley let go of Chloe’s hands and put her palms over her ears like she did when the yelling got too much. Riley was embarrassed when she realized what she must look like to Chloe. Abruptly, Riley pulled her hands from her ears. She glanced down and noticed they were trembling, so she shoved them under her legs. What would Chloe think? Sitting like this, she must look like her six-year-old self.

“Riley,” Chloe said in a soft voice. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” Chloe rested her hand on top of Riley’s knee.

Riley violently shook her head to clear her mind. She put all ten fingertips against her forehead and pushed hard, hoping the sensation would loosen the grip her memories had on her. “Sometimes when I talk about it, it’s almost like I’m back there. What the fuck is wrong with me? That was twenty-three years ago.”

“There’s no time limit for trauma.” Chloe gave her a sad smile. “And it sounds like you try to avoid it instead of getting it out.”

“I do. I just figure it’ll loosen its hold on me eventually.”

Chloe reached out and pushed a wisp of hair from Riley’s brow. “Time might heal old wounds, but you have to get the poison out first or the wound stays infected.”

“But how do I do that? How do I get the poison out?”

“That’s a good question.” Chloe’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers, but I believe talking about it, letting someone in is the first step to extracting the poison.”

“I’m not creeping you out?”

“Of course not. Why would you think that?”

Riley glanced down at the bed. “EMTs are supposed to be heroic. They shouldn’t fall apart.”

“Look at me,” Chloe said.

Riley lifted her gaze.

“You’re missing the point,” Chloe said. “Heroic isn’t about never having any pain. Heroic is feeling the pain and still getting up and doing what needs to be done despite the pain.” Chloe smiled and tapped Riley on the arm. “And I’d say you’re doing a good job of that.”

The pain radiating across Riley’s chest lessened. It didn’t completely go away, but she no longer felt like running to the nearest closet and hiding.

“Do you want to tell me the rest?” Chloe asked.

Riley nodded. “I don’t know how long I was in the closet. Memory is a funny thing. I think the screaming was worse than usual, but I can’t be sure.”

The images invaded, so Riley put her fingertips against her forehead again. She pressed down hard and likely left indentations. Chloe reached up and took Riley’s hands. “How about you hold on to my hands and squeeze when you need to?”

Riley held Chloe’s hands, knowing she’d never squeeze as hard as the pressure she put on her own head.

“Your dad, he was the officer that found you?”

“Yes.” Riley drew her shoulders in. “I was sure it was my biological dad the way the door opened. He’d only come looking for me a few times.” Riley shuddered at the memory. “Only when he was really angry. I thought he’d come for me again because my mom always opened the door slowly and gently so as not to scare me. When the door flew open, I was sure it was him. I tried to scramble to the farthest corner of the closet when I realized I’d left Mr. Poppers.”

Riley’s heart beat rapidly, so she took several deep breaths. “Kids can be so stupid. The only thing I could think of was that I needed to save Mr. Poppers from him, so I lunged for the teddy bear. When I looked up, there was this giant man looking down at me.”

When Riley laughed, Chloe’s eyes widened.