Page 46 of Those That Are Lost

My head is a complete mess over the panic attack. I’ve never had one quite so vibrant as that one. I could smell Adicious’s scent all over me, my skin still feels slimy like he’s touched me.

Normally I can feel the attack building. I am perilous to stop it most of the time but I get some warning. Ty pinning me was sudden, and my brain instantly whited out until I could only see the sand-coloured walls of that basement and feel the weight of Adicious forcing me to submit to him.

I’m really going to have to figure out how to stop that from happening again. The fear of knowing I could be taken down that easily grows quickly but thankfully I’m in enough control now I can force it down. I will deal with it but not right this second.

Where is Ty?

I scan those still left in the clearing again and again but my eyes mustn’t be focusing right because I can’t spot him. I don’t know why he left my side in the first place.

“Where is he?” My voice comes out hoarse still. I cough with the strain on my vocal cords.

Henry flashes a look to Ash, who has rejoined us now he’s seen that I’m standing.

“Ty? He went back to town,” Ash says slowly, looking at Henry.

“Why?” I demand, commanding Ash’s attention.

“He said he wanted to be alone.” He looks torn over something, fidgeting from foot to foot.

“What aren’t you saying?” Henry asks before I can.

“Look.” Ash flicks his gaze between the two of us again. “It’s none of my business—whatever is going on between the three of you—but open communication is the key and I don’t think Ty is getting that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Henry stands straighter.

My hand finds its way to my bare neck, wishing the chain was still there once more.

“I’m just saying, if you want a relationship to work, particularly if you’ve never done the poly thing before, you need to be extremely open in talking to each other. All three of you.”

“There is no three of us.” Henry sounds confused now. I echo him. There’s never been anything between him and me. And as far as I know, he and Ty have never had a relationship beyond friendship. Ty’s told me he’s straight.

“Oh.” Ash seems taken aback by that.

“We’re just friends,” I confirm, pointing a finger between me and Henry.

“And you and Ty?” Ash asks.

“That’s more complicated,” I tell the wolf, clipping my tone. We’ve spoken a fair bit over the last weeks but we’re notclose. I’m not discussing whatever Ty and I are with him. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head back.”

I take a couple of steps away from the pair of them but Ash catches my arm. He drops it as soon as I flinch but I stay halted.

“Sorry, Rory. I’m just looking out for Ty. He seems… I don’t know… a bit down. He looked so dejected when he left.”

I can’t speak so I give him a nod before turning to leave again.

“Do you want me to walk with you?” Henry calls.

I stop again, agitated at all the hold ups.

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. You stay here for a bit.” He catches my sentiment, that I tell him rather than ask him to stay behind, and nods.

Entering the forest and starting the much easier downhill trek back to the village, I find myself seeking out every patch of shadow.

I swear some of them darken as I near or have that faint shimmer I’ve come to notice whenever Ty is around. But none of them leave their confines as I pass. I’m so exhausted I barely feel the cold or the dicey grip my boots have on the thicker parts of compacted snow.

Blindly, I follow the narrow path as the morning replays in my mind.

I don’t let myself think of the subject of my panic attack, fearing experiencing another when I’m not over the first. No, instead I try to focus on the fun I’d been having challenging Ty, and that weird conversation with Ash. My thoughts get drowned out, however, by a barrage of negativity. All the guilt I feel erupts in my mind.