Page 56 of This Might Hurt

“I swear to god he’s not going to hurt you,” I insist as Sid clops out of his stall and looks around, trying to figure out why we woke him up. “You don’t have to cower.”

“I’m not cowering.” Jude pries himself off the wall he was plastered against. “He’s standing really close to me.”

I rub Sid’s shoulder soothingly and eye the ten feet between them. “Right. Come pet him.”

Jude tracks a giant circle around Sid, flinching whenever the horse shifts his weight.

I thought he made up that bullshit about getting thrown into a cactus to make me laugh, but I’m starting to think it was true.

When he finally reaches me, I take his hand and press it into the thick patch of hair at the base of Sid’s neck.

I’ve never met another horse as soft as him.

“He’s so warm,” Jude murmurs, carding his fingers through the glossy coat.

When Sid swings his head around at the unfamiliar voice, Jude jolts back against me.

“It’s alright,” I soothe both of them. “Touch his face, say hi to him.”

“‘Sup, buddy,” Jude offers awkwardly, smoothing a hand along the horse’s nose. “Nice to meet you. I’m in love with your dad, so please don’t hate me.”

I stop breathing for a moment, staring at the tousled back of his head. He tenses up and tries to twist around so he can look at me, but we’re squished too close together. “Hey, I—”

“Don’t.” I press my chilly nose against his ear and close my eyes. “Don’t say anything.” This is the first moment I’ve felt so happy since years before he found me by the river.

“Andrew…” He fidgets uneasily.

“Is it impossible for you to just be quiet sometimes?” I pull back in frustration. “I wanted a damn minute to savor—”

He cracks up and shoves past me, chased by a very annoyed Sid. “Your horse is trying to eat my shorts.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, boy.” I brush Sid’s mane out of his eyes. “Were we teasing you with treats?”

“Apologize to me,” Jude protests as I dig in his pocket and pull out some biscuits for the horse to snuffle out of my hand.

“No.” I can’t stop smiling like a fool. “Go open the big doors and we’ll take him out for a few minutes. I’d let you ride double with me, but his feet aren’t good.”

“Oh no, I’m devastated,” Jude deadpans as he studies the keypad for the large double doors.

I tell him the code and he watches judgmentally with his hands in his pockets as they slide open on their own.

I’ve always thought I did a good job not taking my life for granted, but the way he reacts to everything reminds me with a jolt of self-consciousness that what seems unremarkable to me is apparently very much not normal to anyone else.

Sid’s nostrils flare eagerly as he catches a whiff of fresh grass and practically drags me out the door.

I’ve worked hard not to let him become a bratty pasture horse, so I back him up and make him wait until he stills under my hand.

“Here.” I toss the lead rope to Jude, who fumbles to catch it.

I tangle the fingers of my left hand deep into the base of Sid’s mane, and I can feel his huge body brace as I hop and sling my right leg up over his back.

When I sit up on his bare shoulders, Jude’s watching me with his mouth open. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I could watch you do that all day.”

When he hands me the lead rope, I use my knees to guide Sid toward a thick clump of grass near the fence. “I’ve never been an athlete, so it took a lot of practice.”

Jude climbs up to sit on the fence, and we let everything go quiet except for the sound of Sid gorging himself as I rub his silky shoulders and enjoy the simple connection between our bodies.

“So,” Jude ventures after a long time, reaching out gingerly to pet Sid’s neck instead of looking at me.

He sounds tentative, like he’s prodding an already painful bruise.

“Today was kind of a disaster, right? You brought me here for my instincts, and they’re telling me this whole thing feels pretty far out of our league. ”

“Jude, this is my league. I was born in it.” I start braiding Sid’s mane in uneasy fingers. “Whatever we do or don’t do, I’m officially the CEO of this company as soon as the transition period ends.”

“You have to? No matter what you want?”

My head jerks up as I meet his eyes, perplexed and strangely offended that he would dare to ask such a thing.

“There’s no way for you to fully understand.

It’s not about wanting—it’s who I am. It’s like asking someone if they feel like being tall.

” When he hunches his shoulders, pulling my jacket tighter around himself, I realize how I sound.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not choosing us, too.

We just haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet. We’ll find a way to make it all work.”

“Okay.” He murmurs it in the most noncommittal way possible, a meaningless word, and my anxiety spikes so abruptly that Sid lifts his head, sensing it.

“That’s what you want too, right?”

He sighs deeply. “Yeah, it is. I just don’t…have you thought about it? If you win against your family, will you live here with them? Are we gonna get divorced and I’ll be your mistress living in the pool house with Ramona and Buckley?”

“Don’t say it like that.” I sound too defensive, because five minutes ago he accidentally told me he loved me and here I am refusing to admit that I’ve been too wrapped up in my own shit to think about his future at all. “It’s going to be fine. We’re making up problems that don’t even exist yet.”

Sid catches the scent of Jude’s pockets and starts trying to dig treats out of them, but he just sits and watches it happen.

“Yeah, sorry.” He shakes his head with a humorless laugh, like he’s waking himself up.

“I don’t know why I’m worried about fitting our lives together when I literally have no life. ”

I slide a leg carefully over Sid’s back and drop to the ground.

Keeping his lead rope firmly in my grip, I lean against Jude where he’s sitting on the fence and prop my head against his hip.

That simple contact floods comfort through my whole body, but something feels off-kilter.

Like I’m once again taking from him and not giving anything back.

His hand cups my neck, his thumb rubbing light circles under my ear.

“I don’t think my family has won yet,” I venture. “They just haven’t called our bluff. What if I could say something during this interview tomorrow? It’s live, right? So whatever comes out of my mouth, they can’t take it back.”

He’s quiet for a minute, then he leans over and kisses my hair. “Whatever you want, I’ll help you do it. That’s my job, right?”

“No.” I tip my head way back, so I’m looking up at the line of his jaw. “I told you it wasn’t like that, remember?”

He shoots me a small, unsure smile, then rests his hand over my eyes so I can’t see anything. “I know, baby. Thanks.” I don’t have anything else to offer him, so we stay like that for a strangely long time before he jumps down from the fence and we walk Sid back inside.

I wasn’t tired when we left, but I can barely keep my eyes open as we hike back toward the faint lights of Carrick House. He doesn’t let go of my hand when we climb the stairs, while we brush our teeth, or even when we collapse into bed and fall into a long, dreamless sleep.