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FORTY-ONE

Dante

“It’s a boy!” Kennedy announces as she places our son on Inaya’s chest. Feelings I didn’t know I could possess swell in my chest, wrapped in a heavy dose of love and fear. Inaya coos at our baby, welcoming him into the world as Kennedy hands me scissors to cut the umbilical cord. I didn’t think it was something that was still done, but it doesn't bother me. To them, I probably look as stoic as usual, but this moment is much bigger than I could have imagined.

The nurse takes my son to clean him up and I fight the urge to follow her closely or tell her I’ll do it myself. We made it to the hospital almost an hour after I talked to Andrea, but we still had a few hours to spare before Inaya was ready to push.

I look down at my exhausted wife and lean over to give her a kiss. She studies my face, then relaxes as if she found what she was seeking. It could be all the people in the delivery room, the events before the delivery, or all the above, but I don’t feel like sharing my thoughts in a public setting.

I’ve gone from the main suspect in Father’s and Inaya’s disappearance plastered on national news to just Inaya’s husband. Most people haven’t seen the brief news that acquitted me of suspicions because that wasn’t newsworthy. The few who recognize, though, look somewhat scared. I’m not used to people fearing me and living. I miss being a ghost sometimes.

“Thank you,” I tell Kennedy on her way out of the door.

It’s not until we’re in Inaya’s personal room with her sleeping in bed and my son bundled up against my chest that the tears hit me. It’s unexpected. I was processing my feelings, but this is where they fell. He’s perfect. I drop a kiss on the top of his head and inhale the sweet scent of innocence.

The scent we’ve all had once and can never get back. He was me before. I was once held by parents who were so happy to have me in their lives and I’ve technically made the sick fuck who took all of it away from me a grandfather.

He will never be the grandfather of my child because my resolve to kill him strengthens. It’s no longer about my personal vengeance. It’s about peace for me and my family. He’s the only thing fucking up my wife’s complete happiness. It’s bittersweet. One terrible person has kept my child from having three loving grandparents. The knowledge that I plan to eliminate the last living grandparent is the only solace I have.

“You will have better,” I whisper to him. “I’ll make sure you have all the love that I missed.” I repeat it in Spanish as I continue to cuddle him.

This love for my son and wife are different kinds of love I never thought I’d experience, but it’s here. It’s surreal. I made a mental note to tell Inaya that I want to train him. It won’t be so he can be like me; it’ll be for his protection. I never want him to feel helpless.

He stretches and yawns. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s time for us to be alone as a family, but I won’t make that happen until I clear up my loose end. Little brown eyes are now trying to focus on me and his little lip pokes out. I change my mind; this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. A smile stretches out on my face as I study him.

“There’s the smile I was waiting for,” Inaya says sleepily

“It was on the inside,” I admit as I wipe away a tear.

“I know,” she says with a smile of her own.

“There were too many people,” I tell her.

“I know,” she repeats. “Call me selfish, but I like that your smiles are only reserved for us.”

I smile at my wife as I lean over and kiss her. “He’s beautiful, just like you.”

She looks at him lovingly. “I think he looks like you.”

“Only because he’s pouting,” I tease.

Inaya giggles. “Maybe.”

I stand so she can adjust herself, since I know she’s itching to hold him again. Her entire body melts and lights up at the same time once he’s settled in her arms. It’s the sunny part of her that I once tried to ignore. Our baby fusses a little, causing her to talk to him in the soothing voice she’s used on me several times. It only makes me love her more.

“Have you thought of any names?” Inaya asks as she attempts to breastfeed again.

The question makes me realize that I haven’t. I search my brain, but nothing comes to mind outside of my need to protect them.

“We still have a little time,” I offer. “I’m sure we can come up with something after you rest.”

She nods, appeased. I help her fix her pillows so she can get comfortable. My wife and son are my top priority.

“I love you.” I know I’ve told her other times before, but my timing just feels out of the blue; regardless, I choose to finish my thought. “And thank you for giving me more than I thought I’d ever have. More than I thought I deserved.”

Inaya grabs my hand. “Most of your life weren’t decisions you made. You deserve so much more, my love.”

“If for no one else, I’ll be the good guy you deserve. I’ll treat you and our son well.”

“I believe you and expect it.” She pauses like she’s trying to decide how to voice the next part. “I’m fine with gray.”

“Gray? Like a name?”

Inaya laughs. “No, your moral character.”

“Protect my family by any means necessary? Of course,” I agree with a kiss on her lips. “Rest, mi amor .”