Page 11

I’m exhausted.

The light that’s shining—well burning is more like it—through the room is blinding me, and everything aches.

All I want to do is just spend the rest of my days in this very soft and comfortable bed, but the grumbling of my stomach is trying to ruin those plans for me. The traitor.

I sigh and get up. Cool air brushes over my skin, causing me to get goosebumps. I walk over to the window and close it. It’s odd because I swear it was closed when I went to bed, and Ryan doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be leaving windows open unguarded.

Talking about Ryan, where is he? Every time I get up, he’s no longer in bed and sometimes he doesn’t even sleep at the same time as me, making it almost feel like I’ve just been alone in this bed the whole night. If it wasn’t for his sleepy hugs and soft kisses, I would not have known he slept here at all.

Where does he even go in the morning? All of this doesn’t help with the insecurities that go through my head, and so far, he still hasn’t told me what his job is. He’s going to have to tell me at some point.

“Ryan?”

My voice is echoing through the hallways. This place sometimes feels like an abandoned building. Every time I’m alone in here, I feel as if this house is just empty. No matter how many decorations and furniture, it’s only me and my thoughts in this big empty house.

Out of habit, I open my phone to text Mara, but then realisation hits me, reminding me she’s no longer here and I’m alone.

I sit down on the cold floor and go through the photos Ryan was able to save when my phone got damaged during the attack. Ryan bought me a new phone, so I can’t see our old messages to each other anymore, even though he saved her old number there for me to still hear her old voicemail. He tried to get it all back, but these pictures were the only survivors. Well, I am too, I guess. Sometimes I just don’t feel lucky about that at all.

A tear starts to slide down my cheek, and I don’t even bother to wipe it off. I just want all of this to be over.

“Love, why are you on the floor?”

Ryan’s voice breaks through my thoughts and I look up to see him standing over me. It only takes him a couple of seconds before he moves and picks me up to seat me on his lap, holding me against his broad chest. Instead of just making me get up, we both stay there while he holds me. I hide my face in the crook of his neck and just let it all out. I can feel his hold on me tightening while he keeps telling me that I’ll be okay and that things will get better, but it all just feels like one big lie.

I don’t think there’s a way out, not without her. So I cry, and I cry until I’m too tired to keep going, until there’s no more tears left to fall, and until my body goes into that numb state that ends up making me fall asleep.

“I got your clothes for the funeral. Do you need help getting them on?”

he softly says against my hair. I wipe my face with the back of my hands and look into his eyes. I completely forgot about the funeral being today. I’m supposed to give a speech too, but I don’t think I can do it. I don’t want to mourn in front of all these people who didn’t even know her like I did. I want to just be alone with her and give my goodbye while telling stories of us together that I still remember. Not in front of a family that never cared for her.

“I don’t want to go.”

I embrace myself for Ryan telling me I am behaving like a child, but all he does is kiss my forehead.

“I know it’s hard, and if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I think you’ll regret not being there when they give their last goodbye.”

I hate that he’s right about it, and I know I can’t just abandon her like that. She died because I wasn’t there. I should be there now. What kind of horrible friend am I right now? I don’t think she would’ve wanted this for me.

Ryan helps me stand back up and takes me to the bathroom, helping me into this stupid black dress. I used to love wearing black, now I feel like burning everything and never wearing something like it again.

I don’t really talk on the way out of the house, even though Ryan talks to me to try keeping me out of my own head. He even tries to make me laugh, and sometimes it slightly works, but it’s never for long because I know this will be the last time I’ll ever be close to her again. It will be the last time I’ll see her and it hurts, so fucking much.

Ryan walks me to the car, and the dread I have been feeling before is starting to multiply. The whole ride was just a blur and suddenly I am standing there.

She’s in the coffin in front of me, her eyes are closed, and it looks like she’s just sleeping, like I could wake her up and everything will be okay again, only I can’t and it won't be. My breathing is shallow and I feel like throwing up. Is this how life works? We’re born, we live, we die, and then get buried while the rest moves on. Like you never existed in the first place.

Only she did exist –she lived, she laughed, and she breathed the same air we all do now. She shouldn’t be forgotten, she shouldn’t be lying there. She should be here with me, laughing, living life to the fullest like we intended to do.

I take a step closer even though my mind is telling me to run. I can’t do this to her. She can’t do this to me. How does she fucking dare to die on me like that. Doesn’t she know how much I need her? That I can’t do this, life without her.

There’s a hand on my shoulder, and I look behind me to see Ryan standing there, his eyes slightly watering. He knows it's hard for me, and he gently grabs my elbow and walks me to the chair, placing his arm around me. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve just ended it myself. I wouldn’t even try living without her.

Right now, he is my anchor pulling me back from the darkness and the loneliness that’s in my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay him for this.

“We don’t have to stay after the burial, we can go back home and have a lazy evening with takeout and movies.”

I wasn’t planning on staying here anyway, but I am grateful for how understanding he’s been to me about all of this, not just today. No one has ever been so understanding to me, except for Mara, of course.

His friend—I think it was Felix —is also here with his very pregnant wife as a support for me, but I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet. I look behind me to see his wife showing me a sad smile. I turn back. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t know her, and even though she means well, I'm just not sure how to feel about all of this.

“I’m sorry, is this seat taken?”

I frown at the woman but nod anyway. I don’t know her and I’ve never seen her before, but maybe it’s from a time I don’t remember. She seems oddly familiar.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

I whisper to her while she sits right beside me.

“Oh yes, memory loss, right. I’m Adelina, I am—was, I guess Mara’s girlfriend.”

She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. Her girlfriend? How can I not have thought about the possibility? I forgot about my own husband too, so I mean I could’ve forgotten her girlfriend as well. I'm so selfish to not even ask about it. She must be having such a hard time too, and here I’ve been wallowing in my own grief, not even thinking about whether there might be someone out there also feeling the same way I do.

“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

She lifts our entwined hands up, shushing me.

“Sweety, don’t you have enough to deal with as it is? Don’t apologise. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

She’s very beautiful. There's an innocent look to her; she has long, wavy, red-dyed hair, and is wearing a cute dress with flowers on it. There are tears sliding down her cheeks. I can see why Mara would fall in love with her.

I nod at her and we sit back in silence while Ryan keeps rubbing my back. Don’t get me wrong, because I am extremely grateful to both of them, but all I want to do is just make a run for it and hide away in my room. Ignore this whole day.

After the speeches, where I’m glad Ryan arranged that I didn’t have to do one, we all get up so we can place our hands on the coffin as a final goodbye. I don’t know if it’s the need to get out of here or the last bit of strength I still have left, but somehow, I make it over there.

Having Ryan and Adelina both standing close to me, looking worried like I might break down any moment now, I think I actually might.

Adelina grabs my hand in hers again and places both of our hands on the coffin, as if to say we are in it together, you are not alone. I think I love her already.

“To a better afterlife,”

she whispers to the coffin. She's having a private moment with her old lover, so I try to give her some privacy while waiting for her to leave the room with me.

“And don’t worry. I will take care of what you left behind babe.”

She's sniffing and looking back at me, forcing a smile. I hate these forced smiles; they all seem so fake.

I do admire her for the strength she has. She lost her love just as much as I lost a friend. We shouldn’t have to be going through it like this. It’s not fair.

“I’ll keep you alive,”

I croak out in a final whisper, almost sobbing through my words. My throat feels like it’s stuck and it’s hard to get my breath out. Ryan can see how much I’m struggling and gently pushes me forward away from the casket while I try, I really try not to break down right now.

We’re all waiting outside for the coffin to be brought below the ground. Both Adelina and I are a sobbing mess from the moment they started to lift it down, and while Felix is beside Ryan, talking to him, his wife Evelyn is here with us too, giving us tissues and holding our hands.

I haven't had a chance to talk to her a lot, but she seems very sweet. I’m glad Ryan has people like this in his life. Maybe someday I could too.

“You know, if you want, after this you guys can come over to our place and we can have a girl’s night,”

Evelyn tells us with a sad smile. I appreciate that she’s trying to distract us, but I don’t feel like being social after all of this. I just need my warm shower and a warm blanket.

“I’m sorry, I think I just need to be alone for the time being, but in the future I will,”

I tell her. She nods and starts to talk to Adelina while I stare at the pile of dirt that is now my friend's final home. Somewhere I still had hope that all of this is some nightmare and that she’ll wake up in that damn casket. but seeing her lying there and being placed in the ground has shattered that hope completely.

I take a breath, trying not to scream how horrible all of this is.

I don’t know how long I have been standing here, but I’m guessing it’s been longer than I thought. The sky is getting darker, and when I look behind me, I only see Ryan standing there looking at me.

“Ready to go home, love?”

His voice is so gentle, and it just makes me love him even more than I thought was possible.

I turn around to look back one last time, only now the grave is gone, and when I turn to look at Ryan, he’s no longer there either. The air feels cold. No, not just cold but freezing. There are dark trees surrounding me. I think I am in the old cemetery again. When I look back to where the grave was supposed to be, my suspicion is confirmed. Yup, I'm back. Shit!

Panic is rising in my chest, my breath is hitching, it's only getting darker and darker. I don’t understand what’s happening. Is this a dream?

“Don’t you want her back?”

The voice sounds old but familiar, and I look around me, finding the same man standing there, next to that same grave like the first time I came here. He’s still wearing those old farmer's clothes. They’re dirtier than the last time, though. Like he’s been working all day, but I know that’s not true because he’s not real. None of this is.

“Not real, you are not real.”

I keep repeating it like it’s my personal mantra, hoping it will make him go away, but all it does is make him laugh. The sound echoes through the forest.

“Do you lie to yourself often?”

he asks while I turn to make a run for it. But he won’t have it. The moment I turn, he’s standing there, so close that we are almost face to face. What the fuck does he want from me? I need to get out of here.

“Do you want her back, girl?”

he asks, his voice sterner this time. It looks like he's getting annoyed at me for not answering, as if I’m a child not listening to its parent. After repeating the question for the third time, I give in, hoping it will make him go away. Leave me be.

“I do, but I can’t.”

I’m sobbing, panicking, and I have this heavy feeling on my chest that I can’t get rid of. I feel like my heart might break through my ribcage like those xenomorphs do in the movie Alien.

“You can! Bury her here and you’ll see her again.”

I walk backwards away from him. This is not happening, he’s lying. No!

“You think it’s unfair, her death, her rotting corpse while the killer is still alive. Living his life to the fullest.”

A foul smile plays on his face.

“You can have her back. Don’t you want to see her again? We speak, she and I. She says she misses you.”

He takes a step closer to me, raising his hand, wanting me to take it. I hold back a breath. What if he’s honest and she did send him to me to get back here with me?

“How do I know you aren't lying to me?”

I ask him in a voice I do not fully recognise as my own.

“See for yourself,”

he says, pointing behind me. I turn to where he’s pointing and sobs uncontrollably. She's there, Mara. She's actually there. Standing. Alive. How?

Her dark hair is waving in the wind, but she doesn’t fully seem right. She feels odd too.

“M—Mara?”

I ask in between sobs. She moves her head to the side and a smile that I haven’t seen her have before plays on her lips.

“Don’t you want me back?”

Her voice is soft, but the way she looks doesn’t seem to fit the tone.

“I—I do. I miss you so fucking much!”

I scream out, crying. Why isn’t she coming to me? Trying to hug me?

I run to her, hoping to hold her, but it's like touching the wind. All I feel is a cold breeze while she stands before me again, looking down, annoyed.

“You can’t touch me, I’m dead,”

she coldly states. Like she blames me for it all too. Maybe she does. My heart feels like it has been ripped out and then stomped on.

I keep sobbing, trying to tell her how sorry I am, but nothing coherent is coming out.

“If you really are sorry, want to hold me again, then bury me here. As soon as the funeral is over, so I will still have a chance to be back.”

I look back at the empty spot I am standing at. Is this where they want me to bury her? There’s a spider crawling in between the dirt, but I don’t move away from it. What if it’s a sign? What if it’s trying to tell me something?

I look back to where Mara is standing and see she’s no longer there and has been replaced by the man from earlier. There are spiders crawling over his clothes into his hair, but he doesn’t seem fazed by it.

“You know what to do,”

is all he says before a heavy wind passes me and I close my eyes to keep the mud from getting into them.

“Taylor? Are you okay? Please say something.”

Groaning, I open my eyes. It’s so bright out here, and Ryan is right in front of my face, crouched down on the ground.

“What happened?”

I croak out. He seems relieved the moment sound comes from my mouth and takes a deep breath, pulling me in for a tight hug while he laughs in between sobs.

“You fainted. I called the ambulance. They will be here soon, just keep talking to me, love.”

“I saw her.”

He moves my head, holding it in with his big hands, to make us stare into each other's eyes. His beautiful blue eyes seem filled with worry as he frowns at me.

“Does your head hurt?”

He starts to rub my head with his hand, seeing my reaction to the spots he touches.

“No, stop that! I really saw her.”

He opens his mouth a few times and then closes it again.

“I really did,”

I tell him confidently.

“You have to believe me.”

I try to push myself away from him but his grip on me is like iron, unmoving.

“Love, I need you to calm down.”

I try to hit his chest, trying to make him let me go, but he’s not giving in. He’s as hard and unyielding as a stone wall.

“Taylor, stop! The ambulance will be here soon, okay?”

He keeps holding me while I keep trying to push and scratch him. Why doesn’t he believe me? Why isn’t he letting me go? I didn’t imagine all of that. I know I didn’t. It was real.

He wasn’t lying about the ambulance. I can already hear the sirens coming from afar, but I don’t care. I know what I saw and I need him to see it too. I don’t give up and keep yelling and pushing at him, so he’d let me go, so I can show him that it’s real.

At some point, I feel a small pinch in my arm, and then everything feels heavy until it gets dark. Only then do I give in and let go.