Page 16

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Home safe.

As soon as Madeleine sent the text to Becca, she thought: everything about that is wrong .

She wasn’t home, but sitting on a bed in a hotel where she’d had to dodge the nosy proprietor.

And she was anything but safe.

Moments later, a green bubble appeared on the screen.

Good!!! So you talked to him?

Not as much as she’d planned to.

After Jonathan had returned from speaking to H?ra, they’d touched on what had happened that night on the shore, but he seemed reluctant to go into much detail.

Madeleine wondered how much he remembered; he’d been pretty drunk.

He might be embarrassed to admit it.

Mostly, he’d wanted to apologize for H?ra’s behavior.

And when he’d driven her back to the hotel, Madeleine hadn’t been up to saying much of anything.

Hopefully their meeting tomorrow would be more productive.

Yes. He’s very nice.

Did you figure anything out?

Madeleine hadn’t figured anything out except one thing she hadn’t wanted to.

And she wasn’t ready to tell Becca, “Yes. I am incontrovertibly, incurably homosexual.”

For her whole life, she’d avoided thinking that word, applying it to herself.

If she didn’t say it, she didn’t have to live with it.

She could call it something else: a condition, an affliction, a cross to bear.

It was all those things.

It was also more.

After H?ra had held her so closely, Madeleine couldn’t use any other word.

Homosexual . Sexual.

So sexual that, even through the hostility and confusion, Madeleine’s body had responded wholeheartedly to H?ra’s long, wiry frame.

And, God help her, to those strong hands that had gripped her as if H?ra never intended to let go.

It hadn’t felt unnatural at all.

It had felt like the most natural thing in the world, something Madeleine was meant to do, to…

have.

That wasn’t right.

It couldn’t be.

Not yet.

I’m going back tomorrow.

He’s got a sheep farm.

Lol. Get a wool sweater for me

Will do.

Be safe, hon. Call me if you need me.

We miss you

There followed a picture of the cat, Booster, sitting on the end of Madeleine’s bed with an unimpressed look on his face.

In spite of herself, Madeleine chuckled.

I miss you too. Going to bed now.

It’s been a long day.

I bet. Night night

Madeleine sent a heart back.

Then she slumped forward, her chest pulling her down with the weight of the stone inside it.

She propped her elbows on her knees and closed her eyes.

Her bottom lip trembled, and she set her jaw to stop it.

That didn’t stop one tear from rolling down her cheek at the slightest flutter of her eyelashes.

It didn’t stop the second one either.

Homosexual. The word summoned her parents’ stern teachings.

Her priests’ solemn sermons.

The nuns’ policies against special friendships.

Everything she’d been taught and had dedicated her life to following.

It also summoned Arjun and Jeremy’s faces, closing before her like twin doors on iron hinges.

Shutting her out of a place she shouldn’t want to go—and yet, something in her raced forward, crying for entrance.

Or just crying. That too.

Madeleine, who hadn’t allowed herself the release of tears in a long time, lowered her face into her hands and let them come.

Her chest heaved and ached as she sobbed.

I don’t want this. I don’t want this.

I don’t want this. Lord, take this bitter cup away from me.

Christ had said that before his crucifixion, begging God to spare him from an excruciating death.

God had declined to do so.

Nobody was immune to suffering.

Certainly not Madeleine, who was already acquainted with it and—apparently—about to become more so.

She’d lost her parents and brother…

she’d left her Sisters…

and now this new, awful truth—something was wrong, horribly wrong, with her.

Something that had been eating away at her soul, maggot-like, for decades.

How much did you have to endure before God decided it was enough?

And what on earth was she supposed to do , now that she couldn’t look away anymore?

Keep looking .

Madeleine shuddered at the return of the unwelcome voice.

It did love to say things she wasn’t ready to hear.

But every time, it was what she needed to hear.

Was it the voice of God?

Her own conscience? Something else?

Would she ever know?

She sat up and wiped her tears away.

Her breath was painful in her chest. Blowing her nose helped to relieve the pressure in her sinuses.

Crying might be a release, but the aftermath was messy and inconvenient, like all the rest of this.

Okay, she told herself as she tossed the tissue toward the trash can.

It bounced off the edge and landed on the worn carpet.

Okay. You’re homosexual.

Now you know.

(She had always known.)

Now you know, and you can deal with it.

You can live with it.

You can live through it like you’ve lived through everything else .

It’s just another cross to bear.

Pick it up and carry it.

Practically speaking, nothing had to change.

Madeleine had never acted on her urges with women, and she wasn’t going to start.

She’d just keep living her life as she always had.

She could begin by getting ready for bed as she always did.

At the very least, she’d start life as a homosexual woman with clean teeth.

The thought chased a hiccupping laugh out of her, which was something, at least. She could still laugh at silly things.

She could still hate flossing and make herself do it anyway.

She could still pray.

Madeleine prepared for bed.

The end of this endless day was so close, but she couldn’t skip the last step.

She crossed herself, bowed her head, and said the same words she always did.

“My God,” she whispered, “I adore you, and I thank you for the many favors you bestowed upon me this day—I?—”

The words crowded and clogged in her throat.

This time, the urge to laugh was bitter.

Oh yes, how could Madeleine not be grateful for all the “favors” she’d received today?

It was almost as bad as the night she’d lain awake at Sacred Heart before admitting she had to leave.

God could fill in the blanks for once.

“Amen,” she muttered, and crawled into bed.

Her limbs seemed to weigh a thousand pounds apiece, and the bed creaked beneath her.

These springs must have been working hard for twenty years.

The pillow was thin too.

If you changed a few significant details, she might be back in her convent bedroom.

No. No more thinking about Sacred Heart or anything else.

Her brain was about to give up the ghost, and she should let it before things got even worse.

Madeleine closed her eyes and sought her rest.

Things got even worse.

Behind her eyelids, H?ra lounged against a metal fence and gave her the same soft, mysterious smile she’d worn when they met.

A gasp escaped Madeleine.

Her eyes flew open, and H?ra disappeared, although she left some evidence behind.

Chiefly, Madeleine’s hammering heart and dry mouth.

Somehow, this was even worse than the homosexuality thing.

Maybe because it had kick-started the homosexuality thing.

Worse, and absurd to boot.

H?ra was rude. She was brusque.

She was much younger than Madeleine—by fifteen years, probably.

An age gap was hardly the worst part of this, but it didn’t help.

Moreover, she was odd .

That whole thing about Christ telling Madeleine to ask for an apology?

At first, she’d been sure that H?ra was being sarcastic—and disrespectful.

But sincerity had glowed in her strange eyes.

So had something else.

Madeleine couldn’t identify it, but whatever it was, it sent a wave of heat up and down her body.

Ridiculous. Yes, H?ra was objectively attractive, even if it was in a way Madeleine had never encountered before.

That shouldn’t stack up against her behavior.

Especially not the way she’d seized Madeleine, hard and fast. As if she had a right to it, as if Madeleine…

belonged to her.

What had she said?

Something about the beach being dangerous.

Madeleine had been too overwhelmed to take in everything.

H?ra’s body had been so warm against her own, and that was odd too.

The weather was cold and windy, and H?ra hadn’t even been wearing a sweater.

She seemed to make her own heat: heat she’d been ready to share.

Including her own breath, which had puffed hot and unsteady against Madeleine’s mouth.

As if she’d been about to kiss her.

Oh God. No. Absolutely not.

Madeleine gritted her teeth.

H?ra might be odd, but that didn’t mean she’d been aiming for a kiss!

Madeleine was the one who wanted…

Odd. Rude. Too young.

Get some sleep before confusion kills you .

Madeleine rolled to her side, tugging the duvet up to her chin.

She closed her eyes with determination.

Sleep would come. She’d wake in the morning refreshed and better able to face these demons.

At least said demons were figurative, not literal.

And if she was lucky, God would grant her the peaceful rest she sorely needed.

Please, she thought, before the world blessedly disappeared.

When the world reappeared, Madeleine was in the wrong place.

She’d just closed her eyes in her hotel room, and now she stood alone and naked in the middle of a grassy field.

The full moon and stars shone overhead.

Naked, but not cold.

She looked around in confusion.

Considering how cool the day had been, she should be even colder out in the middle of the night without a stitch on.

How had she gotten herself into such a situation?

She had to make it back to the Merryweather.

Hopefully everyone would be in bed, and the whole village wouldn’t see her walking down the street stark naked.

Just the thought made her cross her arms over her breasts and cringe.

They’d all see her…they’d all know…

“Only I see you.”

Madeleine whirled on her heel with a gasp.

H?ra stood about ten feet away, fully clothed, her arms hanging loosely at her sides.

Her long hair lay draped over one shoulder.

She seemed even taller here than she had earlier.

Or maybe it was the way she stood, straight and proud in the middle of the field, not surrounded by the trappings of civilization.

Except her clothes, of course.

Madeleine said, “You shouldn’t be wearing any clothes.”

H?ra lifted her eyebrows.

“You want to see me naked?”

“Ye…no!” Madeleine wrapped her arms more tightly around herself.

“Not like that, I just meant, it isn’t fair. If I’m naked, you should be too.”

H?ra said nothing, just shook her head.

Then she began to walk toward Madeleine in slow, easy strides.

Her chin was lifted, her lips curved in a soft, sure smile.

The moonlight caught on her pale skin, and she seemed to glow.

“Please,” Madeleine whispered.

“It’s not time yet.” H?ra flicked her hair back over her shoulder.

“When will it be?”

“When you’re ready.”

“I’m ready now!” Madeleine dropped her arms so they didn’t cover her anymore.

She stepped forward.

The grass was soft beneath her bare feet.

Yes, oh yes, she was ready.

Ready for what? That part was less clear.

“Are you?” H?ra extended her hands palms up, her long fingers splayed open in invitation.

“Are you ready for me?”

“Yes,” Madeleine gasped.

She held out her own hands.

She couldn’t tell who moved first, H?ra or her, but the end result was the same.

Their hands met first, curled around each other, and then H?ra yanked Madeleine’s naked body to her clothed one.

She’d kiss Madeleine now.

She’d finish what she’d started earlier tonight by the pasture, when she’d grabbed Madeleine just like this, and it had seemed so clear that their lips would press together in the sort of kiss Madeleine had yearned for her entire life.

H?ra bent to Madeleine’s throat and sank in her teeth, gently.

Madeleine’s knees turned to water softer than the sea.

Only H?ra’s grip kept her from collapse.

No, she couldn’t ever be cold, not when H?ra’s mouth held all the heat in the world.

That mouth drifted over Madeleine’s throat, pausing to lick and suck while Madeleine grabbed H?ra’s elbows.

Every stroke of H?ra’s tongue made her knees even weaker.

She tried to beg for more, but no words would come.

Just ah, ah, ah .

That seemed to be good enough.

H?ra growled against her wet skin.

“You’ve never done this before.”

“Never.” Madeleine writhed forward.

Why was H?ra still dressed?

Didn’t she want this too, didn’t she need this, skin-to-skin?

“I’ve been waiting so long.”

“For what?”

“For—for—” For you .

No, that wasn’t right, that couldn’t be right.

“I don’t know. For it to be all right, for…”

“It is all right.” H?ra’s hands cupped Madeleine’s hips.

“Better than all right.”

Oh mercy!

H?ra was touching her bare skin, and not for a handshake.

She was touching Madeleine where nobody ever had, making Madeleine’s hips rock forward for more.

She’d waited for so long .

“More,” Madeleine said.

She grabbed H?ra’s shoulders.

“Do it like that again.”

“Like what?” Though H?ra’s eyes said she knew.

Madeleine closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to H?ra’s shoulder.

It was broad, firm.

“Rough,” she choked.

This time, H?ra bent to the other side of her throat, sucked hard enough to leave a mark.

Madeleine would get a matching set, high up enough to be visible.

Everyone would see what she’d done.

Only a few moments ago, that had been a terrifying thought.

No longer. Everyone could see that Madeleine Laurent finally, finally had what she needed.

“Yes,” she gasped. “Let them see. Let them know.”

H?ra bared her teeth against Madeleine’s skin.

“They’ll know you’re mine.”

Without meaning to, Madeleine thrust her naked hips against H?ra’s clothed ones.

Something…new…was happening between her legs.

It was almost like pain, but it felt good, too.

She wasn’t just warm or interested.

She ached —heavy, full.

Soaked. “Yours,” she groaned.

H?ra bent lower. Her mouth traveled downward.

She had to crouch a little to reach her next destination.

Madeleine’s breasts.

At the first hot lick on her nipples, Madeleine cried out.

It was heaven, or hell, or some third unearthly place where she wanted to live forever.

A place of heat and light.

H?ra switched back and forth between her breasts while Madeleine ran her fingers through all that hair and then clutched her shoulders.

She held H?ra close as she sobbed with need.

Her breasts ached as badly as she did between her thighs, until she was nothing but one long throb, and she couldn’t stop rocking back and forth.

H?ra sucked her hard enough that it ought to hurt, it did hurt, and she only needed more.

“Please,” she moaned.

“You need this,” H?ra growled.

“Say it.”

Madeleine dug her fingers into H?ra’s scalp.

“I need it!”

I need it, I need it, I need it.

What else could she say, or do?

She was made of lack and necessity, ripe for the taking.

H?ra tugged her head back and straightened up.

Her eyes flashed as she loomed over Madeleine.

“Are you ready now?” She touched the top button of her shirt.

How strange to want something so much that you couldn’t speak.

For answer, Madeleine reached out toward H?ra’s buttons herself.

Her hands shook as if she was afraid—or as if she were in withdrawal.

They shook so much she couldn’t open the top button.

It didn’t want to slide through its hole.

Madeleine tugged at it hard, then harder, and let loose a little cry.

“I can’t get it!”

H?ra laid her hand over Madeleine’s.

“It’s not for you to do.” Those blazing eyes burned their way through Madeleine.

“You’re not in control of this. I am.”

Shouldn’t that be terrifying?

It was safer to be in control, to decide when to start and stop, and to dictate how things happened.

How strange that her knees went weak, that her mouth softened, and her every nerve begged her to let go.

Let H?ra do whatever she wanted.

Madeleine would want it too.

“Thank God,” she whispered.

H?ra unfastened her first button.

She repeated, “Are you ready?”

“Please.” Madeleine clutched her hands into fists at her sides.

Otherwise, she’d reach out and do what H?ra said she couldn’t.

And then, would this end?

No, it couldn’t end—Madeleine would do anything, anything?—

The second button slid through its hole.

Then the third. H?ra’s pale skin came into view.

She didn’t seem to be wearing a bra, but Madeleine couldn’t see enough to know for sure.

She leaned forward eagerly.

What would H?ra’s breasts look like?

H?ra stopped unbuttoning.

“This is all you get.”

Madeleine looked up into her eyes in dismay.

“No! You get to see all of me. It’s not fair.”

“Good things come to those who wait.” H?ra took hold of Madeleine’s bare shoulders.

Her shirt was unbuttoned just far enough to show the line of her cleavage.

There wasn’t much. Her breasts must be smaller, perhaps like an athlete’s, part of a strong and lean body.

“I’ve waited long enough,” Madeleine groaned.

“Show yourself to me. Please!”

“I’ll be the judge of what’s enough. But…” H?ra traced a fingertip down Madeleine’s throat.

Madeleine promptly got goose bumps and gasped.

H?ra’s touch left a streak of heat behind.

“But I’ll learn something from you,” H?ra continued, her voice a husky murmur.

“Something I should have learned a long time ago.”

Nothing existed beyond the skin H?ra was touching on Madeleine’s throat.

Until now, it had only been a patch of skin like any other skin, neither special nor blessed.

Now it held Madeleine’s whole consciousness.

“W-what is that?”

Before her eyes, H?ra slowly sank down to her knees in the grass.

Her eyes never broke contact with Madeleine’s.

“How to pray,” H?ra whispered.

Her strong, warm hands cupped Madeleine’s hips.

She leaned forward until her nose pressed into the dark curls between Madeleine’s legs and inhaled deeply.

And then—her tongue?—

Hot.

Wet. Waking up everything it touched, welcoming Madeleine’s flesh into a brilliant new world, a country discovered at last. Madeleine cried out in shock.

She’d heard of this act, but she hadn’t known it could turn your brain into static.

Was she about to faint?

No. She wouldn’t be allowed to.

H?ra would make her take it.

Madeleine had no choice.

“God, yes,” she sobbed.

She grabbed H?ra’s hair, all that black hair, and pulled her in closer.

“Don’t stop.”

“I can’t stop,” H?ra mumbled.

She licked over Madeleine’s flesh, which was getting more slippery by the moment as Madeleine writhed on her mouth.

“I want you too much.”

Yes.

Yes. They both wanted it—Madeleine wasn’t alone, finally not alone?—

She pushed her hips forward pleadingly.

“Please want me!”

“This is how I pray.” H?ra’s tongue went faster, pressed more firmly against the sensitive nub Madeleine had avoided touching for decades—a hot, wet, rhythmic stroke that licked her into the stratosphere, finally sending her from Earth to heaven.

Madeleine sobbed as she watched that sleek, slick mouth working between her thighs.

Her hips rocked in a wild rhythm to match.

Too fast. Too fast. She cried out as she rode H?ra’s face.

Something was happening too quickly—she had to slow herself down?—

God and all His saints, though, it felt so good, after so long?—

H?ra’s hands cupped her bare bottom.

Nobody had ever done that to her before.

Nobody had ever done any of this to her before.

Madeleine’s hips rocked faster, though she didn’t mean for them to.

H?ra had somehow found a perfect rhythm that lifted her up on her toes.

It drew cries from her mouth too, loud ones.

“Yes, now,” H?ra growled.

“Do it now.”

“D-do what,” Madeleine gasped, but she knew what.

Oh God. Oh yes. It had been so long.

When was the last time?

When she’d touched herself in college one drunken evening, thinking about her beautiful French professor.

She’d dropped the class the next day.

She hadn’t been ready to feel—but now she was, and?—

She dug her fingers even more tightly into H?ra’s hair and looked down into her eyes as H?ra licked her.

Between her thighs, the ache grew and the warmth became fire, the same fire that had burned in H?ra’s eyes tonight when she’d grabbed Madeleine as if she had a right to, and…

A soft beeping sounded from somewhere in the distance.

“What’s that?” Madeleine asked, even as her thighs shook.

To her horror, H?ra stopped licking her and sat back on her heels.

“It’s time for you to go.”

The beeping grew louder.

Madeleine looked at H?ra in dismay.

“No! I need to?—”

Beeeeep .

As her phone’s alarm grew louder, Madeleine opened her eyes.

She blinked blearily.

She wasn’t with anybody in a field under the stars.

Nor was she naked. She was in a prosaic hotel room wearing her pajamas.

The flesh between her thighs was heavy and slick.

And it was the middle of the night.

Completely dark out.

Why was her alarm going off?

Madeleine fumbled for her phone on the nightstand and stopped the alarm.

Yes—it was three in the morning.

She’d meant to set her alarm for six.

She’d been so…distracted…

that she must have made a mistake.

The German tourists were next door.

Hopefully they hadn’t been disturbed by the alarm, or any noises she might have made just a few seconds ago during that outrageous dream, when she hadn’t even climaxed.

Madeleine stared at her phone’s display without seeing it.

Instead, she saw H?ra’s seductive smile right before it disappeared between her legs so H?ra could do something that Madeleine had never even dared dream of before.

With a healthy dose of blasphemy, no less.

She flung herself back on her creaky bed with a groan.

Was this what happened when you…

came out to yourself, or whatever?

The dam broke and let the flood in all at once?

It wasn’t fair. You should be able to get used to this kind of thing gradually.

There should be a grace period.

Full of grace, H?ra whispered in her mind.

Madeleine groaned, rolled over, and felt again the slickness between her thighs.

Grace didn’t seem likely.

Yet she’d been so happy in the dream, all that dirty shame nowhere in sight.

She hadn’t hated herself.

Madeleine had simply wanted to let H?ra give her what she needed.

It had felt like freedom, not the chaste cage her life was supposed to be.

Maybe—maybe it was possible that something that could make her feel like that didn’t have to be a curse?

Or not just a curse?

Maybe…

Down that path lay mortal danger to her soul.

She wouldn’t think about it.

She’d stop thinking about it right now.

After all, she’d spent her whole life deliberately not thinking about this.

It was second nature.

She could do it in her sleep.

Madeleine groaned and rubbed both hands over her face.

No, actually. She couldn’t.