Page 60

Chapter Sixty

C lover yelped as the blankets were suddenly ripped off her and the cold air of her attic bedroom slammed into her like she’d fallen while ice skating. She curled into the fetal position to try to stay warm.

“All right. That’s enough,” Ari announced.

Clover scrunched her face and peeked at her friend from under her eyelids. “What do you want?”

“Come on. Let’s go.”

Clover moved to snatch the blankets back, but Ari kept them out of reach. “Where?” Clover groaned.

“Your parents told me you haven’t left this room for two days. And while living the cat’s life might sound nice, it’s time to come back to reality.”

Clover didn’t feel like leaving her room. She didn’t feel like doing anything but hibernating. Even eating what her family delivered to her gave her mind too much time to think. And when her mind had room to think, she thought about Whit. And thinking about Whit made her heart hurt.

“I’ve cleared the whole day just for you. I sent Rhys to his sister’s for the night, too. So you have my undivided attention. I’ve stocked up on your favorite paste-like foods, and I’ve pulled out your favorite black-and-white movies. It’s a girls’ day with your best friend, and attendance is mandatory.”

All of that sounded like things Clover didn’t want to do, but she and Ari had made a promise long ago that when attendance was mandatory, the other party couldn’t refuse.

Clover wiggled her limbs, whining loudly in protest.

Ari grinned. “Your mom said you left some clothes in the dryer when you moved out. Shower before you change. And for goddess’s sake, brush your fucking teeth. You smell like a bum. I think we’re going to have to burn this blanket. There’s no saving it from what it’s been through.”

Clover laughed, launching herself at her friend. She wrapped her arms around her and kissed her on the cheek.

“Ew! I’m squealing to Dr. MacIntosh when I go to the dentist next. He’s going to have sharp words for you.”

“I love you so much. You’re my best friend.”

“Ugh. I love you, too! Go shower, please!”

Her revenge complete, Clover went to shower, change, and brush her teeth. And though her heart stung as her mind replayed Whit’s hope-crushing words over and over, she did feel a tiny bit better once she was clean and sitting in Ari’s passenger seat.

“Did you really get all the paste foods?” Clover asked as Ari pulled onto the street.

Ari smirked. “I think I know the drill by now. I got canned cheese and crackers, whipped cream and strawberries, hummus and veggies, chocolate pudding, plus guacamole and chips. And don’t worry. All of my spoons are clean in case you want to do away with pretense.”

“How many cans of cheese did you get?”

“Two because I know you’re a little piggy.”

Clover smiled. Her friend knew her well.

It didn’t even take ten minutes to get to Ari’s apartment. Clover was sitting on the couch with a pudding cup in her hand fifteen minutes after leaving her parents’ house.

“So did you guys fight about what happened at Thanksgiving?” Ari asked before licking pudding off the back of her own spoon.

“You heard about that?”

Ari shrugged. “I had to know what I was getting into.”

Clover shook her head. “No, I was upset about that”—her heart panged—“but he was very sweet.”

Ari waited silently for Clover to explain what had happened.

Clover’s eyes filled with tears. “I—” Her voice gave out. She cleared her throat to try again. “We started to get hot and heavy, and I told him I loved him.”

Ari raised an eyebrow. “And that’s…bad,” she said in an uncertain tone.

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” Clover stared down at her pudding cup. “This whole time I thought that we were just sort of doing things out of order, that love would come later. And for me, it did.”

“But you can’t expect him to reciprocate right away. Can you?”

“I didn’t. I told him so. But then he said he would never love me.”

Ari’s mouth dropped open. “What? But how could he even be sure? I mean, he liked you enough to marry you. It’s not like you repulse him. How does he know if love won’t come years from now?”

Clover grabbed the can of spray cheese and squeezed it directly into her mouth. She swallowed down the salty cheese-like substance.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t really matter. If he says he won’t ever love me, I can’t just blow that off and hope that one day he will.” She sighed. “It’s all my fault. I should’ve known what he meant from the beginning. But now…I just don’t know what to do. I know I love him. Do I stay married to him just to be close to him, knowing he’ll never love me back? I get everything else I wanted. We’re married, and he’d even have sex with me if I wanted him to, I think. Should I just be content with that? Or do I…”

She couldn’t bring herself to mention a handparting—her chest aching at the mere thought of uncoupling from Whit for good.

Ari frowned. “That’s tough, Clover. But you deserve to be loved.”

“But isn’t giving love more joyful than receiving love?”

Ari scrunched her nose. “I’d say both are necessary for a healthy relationship.”

Clover’s heart sank. She knew her friend was right.

“You know what I think you need right now?” Ari asked.

“What?”

Ari grabbed something from the side table behind her. She held up an audio cassette tape.

“What’s that?” Clover quirked a brow.

“Do you remember that mixed tape you made me in high school when I broke up with Wayne?”

Clover snorted. “You still have it?”

“What? Of course, I do. My bestie gave it to me after my first love broke my heart.”

“He was an idiot. Do you have a way to play it?”

Ari grinned. “Sure. I even still have my Sega Genesis. What do you say we rock out to some breakup songs?”

“Can we play Sonic after?”

“Anything you want.”

“Deal.”

Ari put her cassette into the player. As the screaming guitar of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You” crackled through the speakers, Ari stood up on the couch—holding her spoon like a microphone as she pulled Clover up to stand beside her.

They sang themselves raw, and the pain in Clover’s heart became a little more bearable.