Page 38 of The Vows We Keep

If shame were an emotion I felt, I’m sure I’d feel it now, but I don’t. Spark’s asking for this.

I remember the doctor I got sent to when I was thirteen—an attempt to keep me out of jail for attempting to steal a car. My mom sat there as he told us the manual on mental disorders confirmed I had antisocial personality disorder. He listed that I had a pervasive pattern of disregard for the violation of others’ rights, including failure to conform to societal norms, and deceitfulness for profit and pleasure. He also threw in my chronic level of impulsivity, heightened by my ADHD, that gave no concern for negative impacts,andan absolute indifference to showing any kind of remorse. While it couldn’t be confirmed until I was eighteen, all the signs were there.

It was a word soup that basically said the world already saw me as an asshole.

Did they ask me why I tried to steal the car? No.

If they had, I probably wouldn’t have told them. It was because I hated that we were so poor, mom had a two-hour commute thanks to the bus and train network. It just didn’t occur to me that the person I stole the car from might’ve needed it too.

Despite King’s words, Spark does not remove his hand.

Catalina grabs his wrist and jabs her short fingernails into it.

“Your president said to not hit him,” she says.

“You better let go, bitch,” Spark says.

Rage drenches me. I pull my arm and am about to swing when Halo and Bates grab me around the waist and shoulders. Clutch pulls Spark back. “Call her a bitch again,” I shout. “I fucking dare you.”

Spark clenches his fist. “Says the guy who can’t keep my old lady’s name out of his mouth.”

“Enough,” King yells.

Occasionally, I feel like I’m standing outside one of those snow globes. Everyone else is inside, living some fantastical perfect life. And looking in is the closest I can get to feeling anything like they do. And as I look around the kitchen, I feel it now. I shake Bates and Halo off me. “I’m fine,” I mutter. “But Cat is staying, and you just have to get used to it.”

A warm palm rubs small circles on my back. The hand is too small to be Bates or Halo, and I realize Cat is by my side. The hand is hers. “Venga lo que venga,” she whispers.

Come what may.

I glance down at her and wink.

Suddenly I feel peaceful again. And when I look up, there are puzzled looks on the faces of the men around me. Only Bates grins.

“I don’t know what’s in the fucking water, but I’m gonna stop drinking it,” Halo says.

Vex chuckles. “You and me both, brother.”

“What?” I ask.

Switch looks at me, then Catalina, then back to me. “Less than twenty-four hours.”

“I’m fucking confused. Less than twenty-four hours until what?”

“Off you all go. I’ll clue the useless one in,” Bates says.

“Let’s get out of here, please, Cat.” Neva turns and walks out of the kitchen.

“I’m just going to talk with Neva, but I’m not leaving,” Cat says to me.

She pats my back before she follows them out of the kitchen. Finally, it’s just me and Bates. “What the fuck was all that about?” I ask him as he mooches in the fridge, grabs a carton of leftover Chinese food, and sniffs it.

“Twenty-four hours ago, you were blowing up balloons, shitting on King’s attempts to hold a birthday party for his old lady. Catalina’s not a shiny new toy you can just grab and claim as yours. You know that’s not how shit works, right?” He grabs a fork and bites into the noodles.

My head spins for a minute as I place me and Cat on a timeline of hours that seems inconsequential but already feels like forever. How can it be less than twenty-four hours since we met? That makes no sense. I’ve already won her over, fucked her, right where Bates is sitting. Now I’m worried that Neva is out in the bar convincing Cat to leave with her.

“It feels like a lifetime,” I say out loud, unintentionally.

Bates raises an eyebrow. “What happened to never falling for a woman, that your condition made it impossible for you?”