Page 53 of The Surrender (Arlington Hall #2)

“Amelia, for fuck’s sake, please, will you just stop?” Jude grabs my arm when I’m halfway down the row of cars, and I halt, inflating my lungs as he moves around me. I keep my eyes low.

Frozen.

Still in conflict.

Tell him. Don’t.

Hate him. Don’t.

“I love you.” His words are so gentle. But they slam into me like a wrecking ball. It’s a trigger. Love?

“I’m over you,” I say, cool, braving looking at him. His anguish is potent, but I don’t believe that either.

“Really?” he asks in disbelief. “You don’t love me?”

“You’ve ruined my fucking life!” I let it all spill out of me. “You and your sick vendetta. Why me? You could have physically hurt Nick. Broken his nose, ruined his career, but instead you took me and made a joke out of me!”

“I don’t regret it,” he murmurs. “I don’t regret a thing. Because I found you. I was going to tell you, Amelia. I wanted to take you away and explain.”

“So that’s why you were so desperate to whisk me away?” He wanted to appease me before someone else told me? “I can’t be with you. Everything I thought we had was shat all over by your fucking lies. It means nothing anymore. You mean nothing. It was a fucking joke, Jude.”

“A joke? Do you think I always tell women I love them for the fun of it?”

“You don’t love me.” I try to shout the words, but they end up croaky and pathetic.

“I do. I love you so fucking hard.” He drops to his knees before me.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m begging you not to walk away.”

“Jude, get up,” I demand, hating the sight of him like this.

On his knees. Submissive. Weak. Dipping, I reach for his forearms, trying to get him up.

Mistake. Our skin touches, and everything around me tunnels into nothing but him.

Us. How fucking amazing it was. The sex, the conversations, the feelings.

But it was a lie. I’m in a world where I don’t know what’s real anymore.

“I love you,” he says, pulling me down to my knees before him, swapping his hold of my hands for my face, getting closer, nose to nose.

Tears fall, and I can’t stop them. My barriers are being battered down.

He kisses me, gently but desperate, swallowing my sobs.

“I love you,” he whispers across my mouth.

“I love you, Amelia. I’ll keep saying it until you believe me. I fucking love you.”

I start to shake my head, the words refusing to leave me. I can’t be with him. I will never trust him. I’ll always question what the truth is. I can’t live like that. And I can’t forgive him for doing this to me.

Jude retreats and watches me pull his hands away from my face. “It’s over,” I whisper calmly.

“You promised me,” he murmurs. “You promised you’ll always listen to me when I talk. When I’m in front of you.” He holds his hand out. “Take my hand when I give it to you. I’m in front of you now, Amelia. Begging you. Take my hand, please .”

I move back, and his hand drops. “That was before I knew who you were.” A liar. A deceptive, heartless bastard.

“No.”

I get up and walk away, everything hurting. I can’t see properly; my legs are jelly.

“I won’t let you go,” he says, landing in front of me.

I push him aside. I just want to hurt him. I want him to feel how I feel. Broken. Lost. Confused and helpless. “I hate you more than I love you, Jude. And you made that happen. That’s on you. So fucking deal with it. There’s no going back.”

He recoils, shocked, and watches me yank the door of the Jaguar open. I fall into the seat and reverse out of the space fast, forcing Jude to jump out of my path on a loud curse.

“Amelia!”

I hold the hysteria tight inside me as I drive to the gates, faster than I should.

Nelson is there, my luggage by the gatehouse.

I stop and throw it in the boot with his help, and as soon as I’m back in my car, I let the dam break.

Emotion comes over me like a tidal wave, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to clear them of tears so I can see the road better.

Knots riddle my stomach, my body convulsing with sobs.

So much pain. So much regret. So much anger and resentment.

I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I don’t know if I will ever trust again. Make myself vulnerable. Allow myself to fall in love. I hit the steering wheel with the ball of my hand on a yell. And again. And again.

And again, and again, and again, shouting past my body-racking sobs.

Ruined.

The Jaguar fills with the sound of my phone ringing.

“Shut up,” I snap, glancing at the dash, seeing his name.

I reject his call and frantically fiddle with the knobs, desperately trying to find some music to drown out my screaming head.

Any music. “War of Hearts” by Ruelle bursts through the speakers.

Not loud enough. I turn it to max, roughly wiping my nose, laughing sardonically at the fucking irony as I take a turn in the road.

I love you.

It wasn’t a lie.

I think I’m in more trouble now than I was an hour ago.

“No!” Louder.

The road becomes blurry, my head banging, my fist constantly whacking the steering wheel.

The music cuts. My phone rings.

“Fuck off!” I yell, hitting the reject button on my wheel, making the music kick back in. Louder. Another turn in the road approaches, and I barely slow into it, feeling the wheels pull, struggling to stay on the road.

The music dies again.

My phone rings.

My lips twisting, I accept. “Fuck off!” I yell, slamming my palm into the wheel again.

“Amelia, listen to me.”

I glance at my rearview mirror as another bend appears up ahead, seeing Jude’s Ferrari in the distance, a black dot on the horizon.

“I need you to slow down.”

“It was all a fucking lie,” I sob.

“Amelia, slow down.”

Why is he talking so calmly? “I fell in love with you,” I mumble. “I fell so hard. I need this pain to fuck off. I need you to fuck off.”

“And I fell in love with you too, Amelia,” he says, so gently, the roar of his engine making him even quieter. “That part wasn’t a lie.”

“Stop it!” I check my mirror again as I take the next bend. “Stop lying to me!”

“Listen to me. Please, please, I’m begging you. Just pull over and listen to me.”

“You expect my grace?” I ask, my words breaking.

“I don’t expect it. I’m begging you for it. Your grace is one of the things I adore about you. I’m depending on it. That and your heart, Amelia. Please, pull over.”

His Ferrari appears in the distance behind me again, small but there, just before I take a corner far faster than I should, snivelling, swiping at my brimming eyes angrily. “I’m not stopping for you. I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I’m ov—”

“Fuck!” he roars, making me flinch, the sound of him punching the steering wheel clear down the line. “My dad killed himself, Amelia.”

I stare at the road ahead, my body suddenly still.

“He killed himself, and he made sure it was me who found him.”

“What?”

“He hung himself.”

I cough over my sob.

“I’ve spent years hiding that truth from my family, Amelia.

I lied to people, made sure there were no question marks over his death.

I couldn’t shatter my mother’s perfect romantic notion of what she had with him.

What they’d built. I shielded her from the truth, made sure the man she loved wasn’t tarnished. ”

I stare ahead at the road.

“He nearly lost everything because of shit advice from an amateur cowboy adviser.”

“Nick,” I whisper.

“He couldn’t face the shame and guilt.” Jude’s voice cracks, and he curses a few times before he continues.

“Nick’s father was on the board at the bank involved.

He covered up his son’s fuckup and took a massive retirement package before the institution was investigated for insider trading and gross misconduct.

He died before he could be put in front of a judge, and Nick walked away scot-fucking-free.

No repercussions. No consequences. He changed his name and got on with his fucking life, Amelia, while mine fell apart around me. ”

My arms brace against the wheel, the road blurry as I drive, on autopilot.

“Dad killed himself, and I had to make sure no one would know so his life insurance and policies would pay out. I had to lie to everyone—my mum, my brothers, the police. I had to cut his fucking body down from the rafters in the garage and unravel the sheets from around his neck. I had to get the pills he took for his angina. Make it look like a heart attack. It’s made me so fucking heavy, Amelia.

It’s made me hateful and vengeful and tired.

He left me to deal with everything. Mum was my purpose, and then he took her with him too.

I hated him for that. I hated him for being such a fucking coward.

I’ve been angry for so long, limping through life wondering if I’ll ever feel normal and light again.

I’ve been broken, pretending to be together, and every day a little bit more fell away, and it was that little bit tougher to put on an act.

” His voice lowers to a rough, pained whisper.

“You’ve changed everything, baby. Everything. You’ve changed me . Please, pull over.”

My mind is a mess, my stupid heart struggling to beat. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had every intention. You have to believe me. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t want you to think it was all a game, because it wasn’t. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the hope I needed. I can’t lose you, Amelia.”

I blink, my mind trying to process everything he’s urgently thrown at me.

“You made a mess of me,” he whispers. “You. Made. A. Mess. Of. Me. But it’s the best mess I’ve ever been in. With you. Finding you.”

I sob, gripping the steering wheel harder. “You made a mess of me too.”

“I know, baby. And you’re the most beautiful mess.”

I sniff back my tears, wiping my eyes.

“I love you.” His voice is hardly together. “So fucking much, and if I can’t fix this, fix us , then there’s nothing for me except pointless praise and endless loneliness.”

“I’m pregnant,” I murmur, my throat so tight, making the words quiet.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant, and now I’m terrified everything you just said won’t matter.”

“Oh my God, never. Fucking hell, never, do you hear me?” His voice cracks. “You’re pregnant?”

I nod, struggling to talk through the thickness in my throat. “It sounds disgusting, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, baby, it sounds really fucking wonderful, actually.”

I cough over my half-sob, half-broken laugh. “I love you.”

“I love you t— Fuck!” Jude’s curse is loud and urgent. “Baby, the next turn is sharp, you need to slow down.”

I blink, my hands numb from the tightness of my grip on the wheel.

“Amelia, baby, please, slow down.”

I can’t find my feet. I can’t see.

“Amelia!”

I lift a heavy foot off the accelerator, but not nearly soon enough. The bend is on me fast, and I turn the wheel sharply, feeling the wheels jump across the tarmac.

“Amelia!”

The bushes scrape along the side of the Jaguar, the tyres screeching as I fight with the wheel to get the car straight.

“Amelia!”

The sun hits the windshield, and I squint, a scream bubbling in my throat.

“Fuck, Amelia!”

My feet tread around frantically trying to find the brake.

“Amelia, no!”

I’m slammed back, my arse leaving the seat, and every muscle in my arms tenses, bracing against the wheel as I’m thrown around, my cries loud. Clouds of dust burst up before me, hampering my view.

And suddenly, the engine is quiet.

Everything is still.

Staring ahead, I watch as the plumes before me float down, and the countryside comes into view again. My gasp is loud and long, my heart rate registering, thumping, my chest pumping.

“Oh my God,” I whisper, looking around the car as I unclip my belt, reaching for the handle and getting out. My legs wobble, my grip of the door holding me up.

“Amelia?” Jude yells, his voice coming through the car, just as the sound of a roaring engine invades the quiet.

Jude’s Ferrari flies round the corner.

Too fast.

Way too fast.

And I’m in his path.

Time stops, my scream echoing as his curses spill through the speakers, and I just catch sight of his panicked face as he yanks the steering wheel to the right, making his body catapult across the car.

The gust of wind triggered by his speed and closeness as he sails past nearly takes me off my feet.

“Jude!” I yell, watching in horror as his Ferrari glides sideways down the country road, the tyres screeching, before the force becomes too much and it flips.

“No!” It spins in the air countless times, sparks flying, before it hits the ground again.

“No, Jude!” The sound of concrete and metal scraping is deafening, as I cling to the side of my car, numb, helpless, watching in horror as his car continuously flips across the concrete, the whole scene unfolding in slow motion, until it lands on its roof and glides down the road.

It eventually slows to an eerie stop, rocking, creaking, black, dense smoke billowing up to the sky.

“No,” I whisper, my feet like bricks, refusing to take me to him. “Jude!”