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Chapter Sixteen

Vivienne

“ I was thinking you and I could have dinner tonight, with my parents,” Murray says, stroking his hand through my hair.

We’re lying in my bed–with the bedroom door open of course–with music playing, the sound of summer rain flanking the window.

It’s peaceful, and in Murray’s arms, I feel comfortable. Safe.

Last week, after he fingered me on the couch and I shamefully slunk away to suck off Reed, Murray told me that he could tell I needed to move slow. That despite his bravado on campus, and the shit he talks while at Clear View’s mixer, he is more than fine going at my pace.

A football goon with patience and a sweetheart?

I want to love him. I really, really, really do. Life would be easy if I loved Murray.

I could go to university and do my thing, unbothered by the long distance knowing that he’s off on a full-ride football scholarship, focusing on obtaining an NFL contract.

His family lives in Bipal, which means going home for holidays and events would be easy, as we could both see our respective family.

He isn’t pushy, and behind closed doors, he’s everything you’d want a guy to be.

And it’s not just being patient and not pushing me for sex, either.

He’s funny, and he’s curious to learn new things, and rarely says no.

Life would be easy if I loved Murray.

But I don’t love Murray. Or, I should say, I’m not in l ove with Murray. I do love him. But in an–ironically–brother and sister way. Or, step-brother and step-sister way, I should say.

I twist in his arms, facing him. His features are soft, his doe eyes blinking down at me. “What do you think?”

I think about Reed, and how he’s been in his room with Stacy for three hours with the door shut. They get to have their door shut because Reed is in college.

I wish he’d move out.

I mean, of course I don’t want him to move out but at the same time, I think us living under the same roof is actually killing me.

I never understood when people said that their broken heart made them hurt everywhere, but now I do.

Because I am still in pain, feeling exhausted with no drive to do anything but snack and nap, and not in that order.

I think Reed and Stacy have had the door shut for three hours, and because I still care, I know what my response to Murray has to be. “Yeah,” I reply, forcing a smile, something I’ve gotten good at. “Dinner with your parents sounds good. When?”

He sits up a little, blinking quickly like he didn’t expect my answer to be yes. I can’t help but laugh a little at his response.

“I didn’t think you’d say yes,” he says, moving so that he’s hovering over me, me on my back against the mattress. “You just… you seem like you’re only half in with me.”

“It’s only been a couple of months,” I counter, because telling him he’s right would be cruel.

Actually, he’s not right because right would mean I am half in with Murray.

I’m really not in with Murray at all. I hate to use such a sweet guy but life’s a bitch and then you die.

I am doing what I need, plus, Murray really likes me.

He gets to be with the person he likes and I get to not be alone, pining over Reed.

Oh my god. I’m so full of shit. I shouldn’t use Murray. There’s no excuse. And using him only makes me feel worse altogether. And I’m still pining for Reed anyway.

“Yeah,” I agree with a sigh, placing my hand on his chest. His heart beat picks up at my touch, and my guilt tightens further around my neck. “It’s senior year, I’m just not rushing to start something before everyone goes away for college, you know?”

He places a kiss on my cheek. It’s soft. It’s nice. It’s nothing that wildly arouses me but it’s okay. I can learn to cherish and adore the softness, the calm between us. Not all couples need insane sparks and off-the-charts chemistry. Some relationships are not about chemistry but companionship.

“But yeah,” I tell him, because he’s still quietly looking into my eyes. “I’d love to have dinner. Tonight?”

He nods. “Yeah. I mean, we can head over there now. You can meet my dog, Hambone.”

I smile, and lean in, meeting him halfway for a kiss, because a kiss is what feels right in the moment. “Can’t wait.”

“They loved her,” Murray beams, shaking my dad’s hand as we say goodbye at the front door. “Really, really loved her.”

“Of course, what’s not to love?” Maribel smiles, standing inside the house, her feet bare, face free of makeup.

As soon as she gets home from her corporate job, she gives herself to my father fully.

Her phone is on the charger, her computer is put away, and she's present in their relationship and his life.

I can see that I’d have that with Murray. I’d have his focus, but could I return it?

Surely, this thing I feel for Reed will go away. And then the longer time ticks on, the less and less I’ll feel. Surely.

The entire time I was eating dinner, I was wondering… is his door still shut?

“Thank you again, and tell your parents I said thank you,” I tell Murray, looping my arms around his neck to pull myself up, kissing his cheek. His blonde hair shines beneath the fluorescent porch lights, and in the distance, the water laps at the shore.

This should be a perfect night.

Meeting my boyfriend's parents. Having them adore me and want to see their college football and NFL-bound son stay with me. The ocean serves as a backdrop to my loving parents happily welcoming me home. My senior year. A university on the horizon .

But it’s a terrible night, because I feel like I’m floating around in someone else’s life.

I give Maribel a hug goodnight, and give my dad a kiss, then head upstairs, so exhausted that I consider actually stopping halfway up to sit down and regain energy. Seriously. Depression is an actual bitch.

“So you’re gonna be the thing I told him to stay away from, hmm?”

I look up to find Reed standing next to the banister, his sandy hair wild, likely from Stacy’s hands.

“What?” I question, my eyes burning at just the sight of him after her. I hate looking at him after she’s left, knowing where her hands were, where her tongue went, what they were doing. I hate it.

He closes the distance between us, his mouthwash scented breath stinging my eyes as he exhales softly on me, his words hot and potent.

“That night at Clear View, I told them to leave you girls in the suites because you three were looking to snag football players, remember? All you wanted was a ship to tie yourself to, and look, you’re actually fucking doing it. ”

I had no idea I was capable of it but I rear back and slap Reed across the face, my bottom lip trembling. “How could you say that?” I hiss, my words sharp, swiping at him. He wobbles back, bringing his hand to his lip, checking for blood.

“I’m with him because I can’t be with you, and that’s why I thought you were with Stacy, but I don’t know, your door is shut so much I’m starting to think you just wanna be with her,” I say, laying my pain and insecurity out between us like a map with no route.

We’re stuck here in this house, in this situation, with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Unless.

“Move out,” I tell him, tears streaking my cheeks.

“Move out and bring Stacy to your apartment, okay? Because I haven't moved on, Reed. I haven’t. But you clearly have. So let me try. Let me try and make it work with Murray, okay? Move out and let me move on!” I turn my back on his reply, and slam the door in his face, twisting the lock I recently installed.

Reed follows after, knocking softly so our parents don’t hear. But I ignore him. Instead I find my phone and send Murray a text.

So much fun tonight

Goodnight, can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Tears come without any stop in sight, but I let them. I don’t try to calm down. With my door locked, I let myself feel Reed’s words.

I am becoming the person he described. More than he even realizes. More than anyone realizes.

I put a lock on my door this morning, knowing that I’m going to need so much more privacy.

I put the lock on my door after I realized that I hadn’t got my period in three months.

I put the lock on my door after I went to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test.

I put a lock on my door after I realized I’m pregnant .

Reed’s right. I am the girl that tries to bag a guy like Murray.

Because I’m going to.

I have no other choice.