Page 44 of The Shattered King

I weakly wrung out the handkerchief into a bowl and set it aside. “I can’t, Renn.”

Eyes still closed, he reached for me, taking my hand in his, squeezing. I felt as shattered as he was.

“I am no one,” I whispered. “A beekeeper from Fount who had the misfortune of being very good at craftlock.”

“Hm.”

“And you are a prince, third heir to the throne, second if your sister doesn’t marry. And if your mother is so displeased with my work, she will murder me before she lets anything happen here. You know that.”

He seemed to be asleep, but his thumb traced mine in slow, little circles.

I pressed my lips together, steeling myself. Breathing deeply, wondering if he would fall asleep and leave these wounds to scab, but he did not. Only traced my thumb, knuckle to nail, back and forth, back and forth.

I sat on the edge of the bed. Picked a spot on the floor to train my eyes.

He deserves to know.

The thought was so prominent it felt like Ursa, but it wasn’t.

My voice, my mind. I’d buried all that hurt, covered all those scars.

I spoke of it to no one, even Ursa. Pretended like it never happened.

Like parts of me hadn’t been cut out and left to rot on the side of the road.

Pretended like it didn’t still haunt my dreams and make me feel worthless.

It was not him. It was me. The crown aside, it was me.

“When I was sixteen, I was engaged to a man named Vin. He was a luthier. We met through a cousin of mine.”

His eyes cracked open.

“My parents went to Grot for business; it was the first time my mother had left my baby brother, Terrence, since his birth. They had me come along, to pick out some things for the wedding. Ursa came, too, because I wanted her there. That’s when we were hit by a carriage.

I don’t ... I remember the street was narrow and it came around the bend so quickly. Nothing else.

“My father died instantly. My mother ... Ursa had healed me, but I was so weak, so distraught that she wouldn’t open her eyes, I didn’t notice my mother was still alive.

By the time I noticed, it was too late. I couldn’t work the magic quick enough.

I lost my sister that day, too, my very dearest friend, and the rest of us became orphans, just like that.

Being the eldest, I became my siblings’ mother.

The business, the house, the harvest, it all fell to me.

“Vin ... he decided the losses were too much for him. He couldn’t possibly take in all eight of us.

Support all eight of us. Days after my parents and sister’s funeral, he broke it off.

Left me in the graveyard to mourn my family, and to mourn him on top of it all.

It ... it was the worst kind of betrayal.

Like I wasn’t worth the cost. Like his love had been conditional. ”

Renn’s thumb stopped. “Nym—”

“When I was twenty, I met Ford.” My throat hurt, but I stared at that spot on the floor, desperate to push out the facts and nothing more.

If I stopped, I might not start again. “He was a merchant—the merchant we saw that day in the city. He added Fount to his routes. Talked to me when he passed through. I fell in love with him. He was older than me, in his thirties, but he was good to me. Loved me, and he loved my family. He didn’t see us as a burden. He proposed to me, and I said yes.

“The priest asked me several times for his papers for the marriage certificate. Ford was always traveling, so I couldn’t just go to him and retrieve them.

And he was cagey about it when I did. Said he’d take care of it, or that he had, but the priest insisted he still needed them.

I should have seen the signs then, but I was so happy, so hopeful. So I didn’t.

“It was the day—the morning—of my wedding that the priest uncovered the truth. Ford was already married. He had a family, a wife and children, in Taupe. I was devastated. I’d never known such betrayal, even from Vin.

” My throat closed, and I had to cough to loosen it.

“I didn’t even need to call it off. We couldn’t legally be married.

But Ford, he pressed the issue. Said he would take care of us anyways, that we didn’t need paperwork to make it work.

I refused. I hated him. But he thought I was his and made it a point to prove it, so he .

..” I swallowed. It had been such a shock, such a .

.. breaking. By the time I realized my magic might have saved me .

.. “He hurt me, Renn. He violated me in every possible way, and then he left. I hadn’t seen him again, until that day in the market. ”

Renn shifted. Sat up. Grasped my arm. I stayed focused on that spot on the floor.

“I got pregnant,” I whispered, tears blurring my vision.

“I got pregnant, but I wanted her. I wanted her, and I’m a healer but I didn’t know .

.. I can’t dowse into a babe unborn, and she came that way.

Born but not, no heartbeat, no breath in her lungs, her lumis already black as coal.

Inaccessible. I was a healer touched by death and I still couldn’t save her . ..”

He pulled me into his chest, arms tight around me, hand woven into my hair. I closed my eyes and sobbed. His shoulder pressed into my newly bruised cheek, but I didn’t care. I barely felt it over everything else I’d spilled onto the floor, so many secrets, so much pain lying there for him to see.

He held me close, close enough that I could feel his heartbeat, feel his warmth, feel his skin slicken and clothes dampen with my tears. He combed his fingers through my curls, drew more circles on my back. Whispered, “I’m so sorry, Nym. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” into my hair.

That’s why, I tried to say, but the words were too swollen to speak. That’s why I promised never again.

I loved both of them. And both of them broke me.

When I woke, I was still encircled in his arms, tears dried to my eyelashes, curled into him on the bed. He breathed slowly, deeply, his hold warm and constant. The candle on the night table had burned to the end of its wick, and it sputtered, clutching to its last seconds of life.

Every happiness, for one delicate moment, lay in the circle of Renn’s arms. One delicate moment where I could pretend, again, that he was a farmer’s son, that I was unbroken, that we had met at a bonfire and chosen a simple, humble life together.

I savored it for a long minute, indulging in the fancy. Let it fill my heart like it was real.

But he was a prince. A king, should time choose such a fate for him.

A king with a king’s life and a king’s rule and a king’s responsibilities, and I was a broken healer, a woman whose craft would become illegal the second he was whole again.

A woman too shattered by men to allow another to break her.

Because Renn would break me. He would love me and he would break me, and I’d never be able to put myself together again.

I kissed him just below his ear, the only confession of feelings I would ever make to him, and carefully unwound myself from his arms. The winter air felt stark in comparison, pebbling my skin.

I wiped my eyes, smoothed my hair and dress, and slipped away, telling Bay, now posted at the door, that his prince was well again, and we should let him sleep.

I escaped into my room, the fire unlit, the bed cold.

I’d always thought it too large, but tonight it also felt too empty, like a golden-haired man ought to be there beside me, someone to warm and protect me, to cherish me, and one finger by rigid, unyielding finger I let that dream go until it was only me, the shadows, and the frost on the windows.

I slept, and did not dream again.