Page 77 of The Roommate Game
Brady furrowed his brows. He was dressed for the pool in Hawaiian print boardshorts and a ripped Bears tee, looking more like a California surfer than a hockey player on hiatus. “Why?”
I shrugged. “I was tired of waking up hungover every day. I was tired of not remembering what I’d done or said or who I’d been with. I supposedly had a lot of sexy encounters with a girl whose name I couldn’t tell you to save my life. And that was disturbing. I wanted to get on the wagon before there was a courtmandate sending my ass to rehab. In case you’re curious, I did that once, and it’s not fun.”
“What? When?”
“Senior year of high school. I crashed my dad’s Beamer into our mailbox, high as a kite. I was the only one in the car, and it was our property, so authorities didn’t get involved, but my folks thought I needed a cleansing. It was probably the right thing to do…it just didn’t stick.” I rubbed my hand over my jaw and sucked in a breath. “Almost seven years later, I was in worse shape than ever.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Ty slumped in the stool. “I should have…known.”
“I think we did know, but weren’t sure how to address it,” Brady commented thoughtfully. “I’m sorry too. We let you down.”
“Fuck that. I’m not your responsibility. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But we could have rallied and made it easier instead of hounding you about the next party, for fuck’s sake,” Ty practically growled as he leaned forward. “We’re your friends. We care about you, Gus. I hate thinking that you’ve been suffering while we’ve been?—”
“Whoa, tiger. I haven’t been suffering. Rafe was here and…” I trailed off, my tongue suddenly thick with despair.
Brady and Ty shared a look.
“Rafe.” That was Ty.
“Are you and Rafe…like…together?” Brady ventured cautiously.
“No. He’s training. He’s going to be a figure-skating star someday.” I smiled, cocky and proud of my…friend.
“Okay, but?—”
“There’s no but,” I intercepted. “Rafe is—we…yeah, but…it’s not something we could sustain, ya know?”
Ty shook his head. “No, I don’t know. You obviously care about him, and?—”
“I do, and that’s why I have no intention of saddling him with me.” I pointed at my chest in case they’d forgotten who I was referring to. “I have too many issues, and I’m here and he’s…not. I don’t like it. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but I have to let him go.”
“Sounds like you’re punishing yourself,” Ty observed matter-of-factly. “Like maybe you think you should suffer for your past sins.”
Okay, that was possibly a little bit true.
“Maybe I should.”
“Really?” Brady scrunched his nose as he stood, rounding on the island and opening cupboards as if he lived there. “Seems smarter to just try to be happy. Hey, where are those potato chips?”
I happily rescued the bag of Lay’s and latched on to a chance to change the topic. Summer plans, the Czerniaks’ cabin, Brady’s date with a girl who gave married-with-kids vibes. We laughed the way we had in a locker room or pressed together with a bunch of teammates at a booth at the Depot.
I loved these guys, and it was a relief to share secrets that had been weighing on me for months. I felt lighter and oddly hopeful, though I wasn’t sure why.
Nothing had changed. I was still me, a messy work in progress with battle scars and a hole in my heart that showed no signs of healing.
CHAPTER 24
RAFE
The drive homewith Celine had been a blur of monotonous interstates, Taylor Swift and Charli xcx marathons, my friend’s endless chatter about a guy she’d met online, Jackson’s chances at making it as a baker, and movies she liked. I’d never had to worry about awkward silences with Celine.Thank God.
My mind had been stuck on replay at the lake.I would give anything to be with you. Anything.
Then why had we said good-bye? Why did it have to be so final?
Celine had interrupted my turbulent thoughts an hour away from our destination. “Rafey, you’re quiet. The caffeine should have kicked in hours ago, and we’re already in Grove City.”