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Chapter Thirty-Three

Andrew

I don’t know how I’m going to give this up.

That realization lands inside me somewhere between McClane crawling through broken glass and Holly punching that sleazy reporter.

I wanted to give Justin one last magical day together. I wanted to give him his replacement snow globe and help him with his proper British Christmas lunch. I wanted to memorize exactly how his eyes crinkle at the corners when he gets excited about properly crisped roast potatoes.

But I got more than I bargained for.

It’s like everything that has happened between Justin and me so far has been crystalized in this one perfect day.

It’s trading sweet kisses that aren’t designed to lead anywhere. It’s the way he keeps adjusting my paper crown when it slips. It’s how he keeps catching my eye and breaking into soft, private smiles.

Even when I was back in high school, I never craved not to be myself like I do now.

I don’t want to be Andrew Yates, the tech multi-millionaire. I want to be Drew Smith, a simple IT help desk technician.

I would trade all the money in my bank account if I could make the switch.

And that thought corrupts everything I thought I knew about success and happiness.

All those years spent building my empire, proving to the world that the geeky gay kid could make it big, and now I’d trade it all just to keep being the guy Justin trusts enough to share about his stepfather, the one he lets see past his golden-boy smile to the uncertain places underneath.

The Christmas tree lights reflect in his eyes, turning them this impossible shade of blue-green that always reminds me of the ocean. The faintest hint of a dimple appears on his right cheek, which only shows up when his smile is completely genuine.

He reaches over, and for the umpteenth time today, he straightens my crown.

My stomach churns.

I can’t do this anymore.

Forget about my plan to offer Xander another job before resigning because I can’t pretend this has only been casual, that this is something I can walk away from without looking back. How much will I scar him if I do that?

Which leaves me with only one option. I need to tell him the truth.

Tell him the truth, and hope he somehow manages to forgive me.

As I’m internally agonizing, Die Hard is finishing up.

“I always like a story where someone gets to be the hero they never thought they could be,” Justin says, watching John McClane reunite with Holly. “Where someone proves everyone wrong about who they really are.”

“Even if they have to crawl through broken glass to do it?” I ask.

“Sometimes that’s what it takes.”

“We all want to be heroes of our own lives,” I say. The words catch in my throat because, right now, I’m the villain pretending to be the hero.

Justin bites his lip. “I’ve been thinking lately about how I actually used to be more of a villain than a hero.”

I snap my head to look at him. His thoughts echo my own so closely that it’s like watching my guilty conscience speak through his lips.

“What do you mean?” I choke out.

“When you told me about being bullied in high school…” He swallows hard, staring down at his hands. “I was that guy, Drew. I was the one making other kids’ lives hell. I knew it was wrong, and I still did it.”

Finally. This is what I wanted, wasn’t it? For Justin to regret what he did to me. To feel guilt.

And now that it’s playing out exactly how I planned, all I want to do is comfort him.

“You were dealing with your own stuff,” I say softly.

Justin’s gaze fixes on me and there’s anguish in his eyes. “That’s not an excuse though, is it? I mean, Bobby Ray was making my life hell, and instead of breaking that chain, I just passed it on. There was this kid…” His voice catches. “He was smart, into computers. He’s actually been really successful. Apparently, he started his own company and everything.” Justin blows out a deep breath. “But he was skinny, geeky, and gay, so we tormented him. I never actually threw a punch, but god, the things we said to him, the way we laughed. I think about him sometimes, wonder if he still carries those scars like I carry mine from Bobby Ray.”

The rawness in his voice undoes me.

My fingers dig into the couch cushions. The Christmas tree lights blur into dancing spots as tears threaten to escape.

Here Justin is, laying bare his regrets about bullying someone exactly like me, while I sit here letting him pour out his guilt without telling him the full truth.

The irony would be almost poetic if it didn’t make me feel like I’m about to throw up.

Justin’s wearing a paper crown and looking at me with such naked remorse that it feels like my chest might crack open.

The truth is on the tip of my tongue. I can’t hold it back.

I straighten, pressing my hands to my eyes.

“That kid you bullied…that was me.”

The words spill out of me like a dam breaking. My voice sounds younger somehow, as if Teenage Andrew has finally found his courage to speak.

“I know it was you. I know the guy I bullied was exactly like you. And trust me, listening to you talk about how you felt in high school makes me feel even more guilty.”

Fuck. He thinks I’m just talking generically.

My hands drop away from my face, and I turn to him.

His gaze is fixed on me, and whatever he sees in my expression causes him to blanch.

“ I know , Drew, okay? I know exactly what I did. And I know I did exactly what Bobby Ray was doing to me, like I was passing on an infection or something. Falling in love with you has made me think about it all again, and I feel even more shitty about it, all the homophobic things I said and did, all the times I should have intervened but didn’t.”

“No, Justin…” I start to protest, to tell him the real truth, but then his sentence replays in my head. “Wait, what did you just say?”

His forehead furrows. “I said I’ve realized how shitty it was that I bullied someone like you in high school.”

My mouth is so dry I have to swallow before I can get words out. “I’m thinking more about where you said something about falling in love with me.”

Color floods his face. But his gaze doesn’t leave mine.

“I love you,” he says.

Oh my god.

I can’t breathe. My chest constricts, caught between the urge to laugh and cry and possibly pass out.

“Sorry. I know you deserve a better declaration of love than that, but it doesn’t diminish how true it is.”

Justin’s hands are trembling, but his shoulders are set. He’s got that same look he had at the Christmas party right before he kissed me under the mistletoe, like he’s terrified but not backing down.

“I love you, Drew. I know you’re going to say it’s just because you’re the first guy I’ve been with or that I only feel this way because of the incredible sex we have, but it’s more than that. Way more than that.

“I love the little crease you get between your eyebrows when you disagree with whatever you’re reading.

“I love the way you’ll stack and restack the dishwasher to get the maximum amount in there.

“I love the little smile you get when you take your first sip of hot chocolate.

“I love how you negotiate territory rights with my cats over your favorite spot on the couch and talk to them like they’re people.

“I love the way you’re interested in random history facts and how you make everything so much more interesting.

“I love the way you really listen to me and how you kiss me like nothing else on the planet matters.”

I make a noise in my throat that’s somewhere between a whimper and a sob.

“I love how nothing in my life feels like it really matters unless I share it with you.

“I love you, and I’ve never been in love before, and it’s nerve-wracking and scary, but somehow you make it okay.”

He’s sitting there, staring at me with those gorgeous eyes, looking like someone stepping into unknown territory armed only with hope.

Oh my fucking god.

These feelings I’ve been choking down for so long, these feelings I’ve tried to pretend are just a normal part of this elaborate revenge scheme, suddenly overwhelm my defenses.

Justin’s telling me he loves me. And I know with complete and utter certainty that I love him too.

I’ve gone and fallen in love with Justin Morris.

It turns out I suck at this revenge thing. Epically.

Because falling in love with Justin Morris definitely wasn’t part of my plan. In fact, it feels like the universe’s ultimate plot twist.

Justin is brave enough to voice this, putting his heart on display, while I’ve been too scared to even admit to myself what these feelings mean.

My self-esteem was so low I didn’t see what was happening between us clearly. I thought Justin and I could do the casual thing, that he would get sick of me before he figured out that the helpful IT guy was actually the kid whose life he made hell in high school.

I never thought I could be someone Justin Morris would fall in love with. I’m supposed to be a smart guy. But it turns out I’m an absolute idiot.

The reality of the situation hits me.

I’ve been justifying not telling Justin for all sorts of reasons. Now I’ve got another one.

I can’t tell Justin that the first guy he’s fallen in love with has been lying to him the whole time.

“And I don’t expect you to say it back,” Justin is still speaking, more words falling from those perfect lips, each one twisting deeper into my chest like a glass shard. “But I just wanted you to know.”

Lying is like building a house of cards. Each new deception has to be placed more carefully than the last until you’re so focused on keeping everything from collapsing that you forget what it feels like to stand on solid ground.

And now Justin’s just knocked down everything I’ve built with three simple words. Leaving me with nothing but the truth I can’t tell him and the love I can’t deny.

“I love you too.” My tone of voice sounds so wrong to deliver that message. It’s abrupt, desperate. Like it’s coming from a deep part of me that has apparently kept track of every shared smile, every touch, every time he’s made me feel like I’m the most important person to him.

The part of me that knows exactly how difficult it is to find this type of connection in this world.

Seeing the absolute joy and happiness on his face in response to my words makes me feel like I’m witnessing something miraculous and devastating. It’s like watching a sunrise, knowing it’s the last one I’ll ever see.

Because this thing between Justin and me is real.

And it’s going to destroy us both.

What have I done?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?