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Chapter Twenty-Two

Justin

Well, that was great. There’s nothing like kissing the object of your crush and having him flee the scene like you’re a flesh-eating alien who just revealed your true form.

Was something wrong with the way I kissed?

I mean, I’m not new to kissing. I kissed many girls in my teenage years, usually by closing my eyes and imagining they were Tom Brady in his Patriots prime.

Is there something different about the way gay guys kiss?

Wouldn’t that be ultra ironic? That the thing I’ve denied myself for so long I end up being absolutely crap at?

But it didn’t feel like anything was wrong with that kiss from my perspective. It felt amazing. Amazing and…right. Like all my atoms had been misaligned, and suddenly, they fell into perfect formation.

Cassie and Tabitha appear, Tabitha doing her usual operatic meowing while Cassie weaves figure eights around my ankles. I bend to make a fuss over them. Then I head to my bedroom, my cats trailing behind me like furry sentinels. My hand shakes slightly as I loosen my tie. The silk feels suddenly constricting, like it’s trying to choke me.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on my closet door. I look unbalanced, unmoored. Which doesn’t surprise me.

When Drew kissed me back, my entire world tilted on its axis.

Because having someone kiss you with that much intensity, that much want? It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

But I’d managed to screw it up somehow.

As I carefully hang up my suit jacket, Bobby Ray’s voice echoes in my head.

“ What the hell kind of man kisses another man? ”

This man, Bobby Ray. This man.

My cats follow me into the kitchen as I grab a glass of water. They sit on the counter, watching me with identical expressions of concern.

“What do you think I should do?” I ask them. “Just pretend nothing happened? Go back to being casual, charming Justin who never lets anything affect him?”

Cassie just yawns, which isn’t particularly helpful feedback.

But the thought of pretending nothing happened with Drew makes my chest ache. Because that kiss… That kiss felt like finally being able to breathe after spending years underwater.

And maybe that’s my answer right there.

I’m tired of pretending. Tired of playing roles. Tired of being a false version of myself. Drew deserves better than that. He deserves someone real.

And maybe…maybe I deserve that too.

I pull out my phone, my heart thundering against my ribs.

I start typing, delete it all, and start again.

Finally, I take a deep breath and write from my heart.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Can we talk?

I hit send before I can second-guess myself.

Then I sink onto my kitchen floor, my back against the cabinets. Tabitha immediately claims my lap while Cassie settles beside me, her warm weight against my leg anchoring me.

“Well, guys, I guess we’ll see what happens next,” I say softly.

Because for the first time since I was fourteen years old, discovering feelings I thought would destroy me, I’m choosing to be brave instead of safe.

I’m choosing to be real instead of perfect.

I’m choosing Drew.

And even if he never wants to kiss me again, even if I’ve ruined our friendship forever, at least I’ll know I finally did something true.

My phone stays silent, but I keep it clutched in my hand, hope and terror warring in my chest as my cats purr steadily.