Page 48 of The Other Side of Paradise (Story of Paradise #2)

“I know. You barely sleep with anyone.” I paused. “I still can’t believe you got into this with Brooklyn.”

“Uh-huh… me neither, honestly,” she said, and honestly, I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t know how I’d gotten into this with Allison. It was weird that Ryan and I had so much in common all of a sudden. “Have you been with anyone queer before Allison?”

“Like a bisexual guy or something?” I shook my head. “No. Why?”

“I feel like you should probably try,” she said breezily. “I don’t think you realize how much you hate gender roles.”

What, she was on that again? I scowled. “I thought you were the one telling me how I’m all old-fashioned like Grandma because I want guys to approach me.”

“ You seem more upset than anyone that it’s ‘supposed’ to be guys approaching you,” she said. “Is it that you want guys to approach you, or is it that you feel like you’re not allowed to approach them?”

Oh… huh. Now that she mentioned it. I had been thinking things like see how easy it is for me to flirt with Allison, flirting with a girl is easy and fun. Maybe that was, like, a gay thing. Ryan went on.

“You don’t like guys being emotionally unavailable, you want soft sweet romance from both parties, and you enjoyed being able to reverse it with Allison, where she makes it clear she’s interested and you approach her,” she said, nursing her drink with both hands.

“And it sounds like you don’t dislike men in bed, it sounds like you dislike men being stereotypically manly in bed. ”

“Do you think?” I said distantly. I had never thought of it like that.

But I had enjoyed being able to approach Allison…

knowing she was interested in me felt great.

Being able to do something with that, making a move, knowing she’d be receptive, had absolutely lit me up.

Was that what it was about? Gender roles?

“Um… so… what?” I said. “Am I straight and just want a guy without the toxic masculinity?”

She gave me a be-serious look. “I want you to take a minute thinking about the things you’ve done with Allison and tell me if you’d describe another woman as straight if she did that.”

I looked out over the water, doing as she’d said and thinking about it. I still wanted to wear that strap-on I’d gotten earlier and fuck her with it while we made out. Was that straight?

Yeah, no, that definitely wasn’t straight. How about that?

“I think I’m not straight,” I said, and she shrugged.

“Cool, yeah, me neither.”

“Seriously? What are the odds of that?”

“Like I said, there’s a lot of bisexual women,” she laughed. “Sometimes we just don’t get to realize it without other people helping us see it. Would you have realized if you didn’t have a bisexual sister who dragged you into a group of queer girls, one of them with a crush on you?”

I mean, I guess. But still… “It just feels like an arbitrary label,” I said. “I feel like everyone’s a little bit bisexual, you know?”

“I don’t think everyone is, but I think a lot of people are at least a little flexible. Some people are completely straight, some people are completely gay, a lot of people are more to one side or the other. Some people are smack-dab in the middle.”

I felt weirdly… seen? It was nice, when she said that, like hearing someone say my name or the name of the place I lived. Huh. “I think that’s me,” I said, and she looked at me in surprise.

“Smack-dab in the middle? Seriously?”

I fussed with my drink. “I don’t know,” I said, only working it out as I was saying it.

I’d had tons of female friends, and I’d never thought about it like that, but I guess I didn’t really have the…

language. If I thought of some of the ones who’d meant the most to me—ones who I’d attached to like I want to be your best friend and hear literally everything in your life —and I wondered how I’d react if they’d asked to kiss me?

I’d probably have said yes. “I mean, girls are really cool,” I said distantly.

“I just never thought of it as, like… attraction.”

Ryan was quiet for a second, looking back out over the railing, before quietly, she said, “I think I like girls better.” I looked over at her, but she kept her gaze on the water, going on. “I still like guys, but it just feels a little more… right, with a woman.”

It was actually kind of cool being in this thing together with Ryan.

Even if she was my boring sister. Maybe she wasn’t that boring after all.

Maybe all of us were a lot of amazing things that we just never shared with each other because we were scared of not fitting in.

“Yeah?” I said, and she gave me a tired smile back, nodding.

“Yeah. I think…” She sighed. “I’d like to have a girlfriend. Once I’ve had some time to… well… recover.”

Recover… right. From tomorrow. From leaving all of this behind.

Allison had been a safe place for me to dig up something I thought I’d never find. I was just supposed to throw that away?

I’d die before I put this thing away, filed it tidily into a box to be forgotten like certain members of my family probably wanted.

It was just a bittersweet feeling thinking about having a girlfriend right now when I realized the girl I wanted to try dating was the one I was saying goodbye to tomorrow.

“Yeah… me too,” I said quietly. “I think it’d be fun to try. Just…”

She finished my thought. “Just once we’ve had a minute.”

I stared down at my drink, running my fingers around the edge of the glass. “Yeah,” I murmured.

I felt Ryan’s eyes on me, like she wanted to say something, but she kept it on the inside, turning to the railing again with a frustrated sigh.

She didn’t have to spell it out—I could tell what she was thinking.

Thinking that it should have been so easy—that we both wanted the people we’d found here, and how that should have been enough, but there was nothing more to say.

That sometimes it wasn’t fair and you had to accept that, like her and BB, like me and Allison.

When Ryan did finally speak, she said what was on my mind already. “Feelings kind of suck.”

I pushed out a small, thick laugh, nodding. I wasn’t going to start crying. I’d ruin my mascara and look like a demon. “I just want to fall in love,” I said quietly, and she gave me a thin smile.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“I’m sure we will,” I said, looking up at the sky, long lines of clouds streaked with sunset orange and gold, as the light disappeared over the horizon. Wasn’t that some symbolism? Sunset was the oldest metaphor in the world for good reason. “I, uh… I’m glad I have someone who gets it.”

“Wish I didn’t get it, but I’m glad I have someone who gets it too,” she said thickly, following my gaze upward. We were quiet for a while before I said,

“Oscar definitely doesn’t get it.”

“Yeah, no, for sure he doesn’t.”

“Are you sure you’re twins?”

“Not in the slightest. I blame you, you know.”

“Me? I didn’t swap you out for a changeling.”

She laughed. “We were all, you know, codependent twins until you came along. Changed the dynamic. Suddenly it wasn’t just the two of us, and I wasn’t seeing myself as the other half of twins but as just one sibling in a set…”

“Huh.” I kicked at the floor. “Should I apologize?”

“Nah. It’s better like this.” She raised her glass to mine again. “We’ll find… something good next. Both of us. So here’s to that.”

“Here’s to that,” I said, clinking my glass against hers, but dammit, I didn’t want something good next.

I wanted to run back to Allison and spend the summer here with her instead of going back to the mainland where I had nothing except an icy reception from a fractured family holding a million grudges against me and Ryan now.

Whining about going on the vacation, whining about leaving the vacation. I was like a toddler who didn’t want to go to bed and then didn’t want to wake up.

Maybe one day I’d grow up.