Page 100 of The Other Side of Paradise

“Could be. She’s really into you.”

“Stella, don’t,” she sighed, a hand to her forehead. “I’m really intoher,too. But I talked it over with her. Neither of us is willing to uproot our lives for this. So… it can’t work. It’s painful. I’d rather not dwell on it.”

God, this sucked. I’d hoped, somehow, maybe, this could be a happy ending for one of us. “Ugh… I thought maybe I had a chance of actually liking your girlfriend. That would have been cool.”

She looked away, watching the waves roll below us, before she shrugged and said quietly, “Maybe you’ll like my future girlfriend.”

And nowhere did a potential boyfriend come into the picture. I snorted, elbowing her. “Now who’s erasing your bisexuality?” I said, and she laughed awkwardly.

“Oh, or… whatever.”

“What, are you a lesbian after all, or do you just have a hard time picturing anything other than Brooklyn at this point?”

She sighed. “Yeah, the latter,” she mumbled.

“Point taken.” I leaned back, kicking a leg up over the other, and I took the second to sip my drink—a strawberry daiquiri, my favorite drink now. Looking out over the distance, back in the direction of where Allison’s house was out there, along that coast, wondering what she was doing… wondering if she was watching those same waves, thinking of me like I was of her.

Ryan spoke casually. “So, you tried it out with Allison?”

I spat my drink into the glass, whirling on her, my face hot. “BB told you?” I said, and she smiled serenely.

“She didn’t. I was just guessing. But I’m… taking that as confirmation.”

“Ugh… I guess I kind of figured she’d tell you,” I muttered, going back to my drink, shoulders hunched. “She did tell me some things she said you’d kill her for saying, so I assumed she wasn’t exactly one for secrets.”

She went a little green. “And… what, pray tell, are those things?”

I smiled at her. “I asked her how enthusiastic you were for your first time.”

“Did you, now.” She didn’t look at me.

“She said very.”

“Mm.” She put down her drink, hands folded, her voice measured as she said, “Well, enthusiastic consent is important.”

I poked at my drink, stirring idly with my straw. “It’s just to try it out on vacation,” I said, apropos of nothing, and she raised her eyebrows at me.

“Trying out what, romance or sex?”

“Both.”

“Huh.” She studied me a second longer before she said, “So… what’s the answer?”

I hugged myself, my thoughts everywhere at once, and yet at the same time, all in one spot. Every moment together with Allison—casual things like clothes shopping and beach days to the moments like yesterday, knowing I could say anything and she’d hear me. Feeling safe, in a way I was never accustomed to. The way my whole life had turned upside-down with her around, and how I was reeling knowing it was over tomorrow, wondering what—if we’d done this much with just a few days, what could happen if we had just one more day together. How did I put something like that into words?

I let out a long breath, and I said, “I come way harder with a girl.”

“Okay—well.” She cleared her throat. “Congratulations on that.”

I looked over at her. “Is that just a me thing?” I said, and she put her hands up.

“No—” She turned away, her cheeks pink. I guess I knew what she was thinking about. I was happy for her. “No, it’s not. Not like it’s some… universal law… but it’s something a lot of girls say.”

I settled back into the seat. Talking about sex was easier. “I’ve only touched her a little bit, but she seemed like she really liked it,” I said. “It’s kind of… I don’t know. It feels like things are so stiff with a guy. Like, he could be really sexy, but it’s kind of boring how he’s all… macho and acts like it’s whatever.”

“Uh-huh…”

“The last guy I was with didn’t makeanysound in bed,” I said. “It was so awkward. I’d just be down there wondering if any of it was working…”