Page 33 of The Order: Rise of the New Empire (Order #4)
Chapter thirty-two
Forest- The Dark Days
" I think I have everything we need."
Laying out the plan before us, Andrew's attack plan for the Revolutionists looks as perfect as it can be. For months he has been planning, trying to find the best approach to rid his people of the hand that has taken control of his world.
Initially, we had no insight. Now that Xavier has the clarity we worked so hard for him to have, the knowledge he carried about the Prophet is undeniably useful.
Looking at him now, cleaning his gear with such concentration, it's easy for me to see the small boy from all those years ago.
Does he truly remember nothing from his time in the lab?
Is there really no way for him to remember what I do?
It took me a while to put it together.
So many aspects of my past I blocked out, keeping it far away from my mind. I grew up learning the mind blocks out trauma it doesn't want to reflect on.
Xavier is the farthest thing from someone I don't want to forget.
"I will let you know if I think of anything else," I trail off, barely registering Andrew's words.
Only half listening to his words, his fingers graze the corner of my mouth.
"Are you smiling?" Andrew whispers.
Nudging him away, I glare at him. "That will be all, Andrew," I hiss. "Thank you."
Smiling like a drunken fool, I pray he has not taken notice of how red my cheeks got the minute he pointed out my body's reaction to watching Xavier. Excusing himself from the cabin, he waves us both off, finally getting a reaction from Xavier.
Smiling at Andrew, his grin feels as if it lights up the space around us.
"Any reason he is off in a hurry?" Xavier asks.
Though he has posed the statement as a question, he knows very well why I have asked Andrew to leave.
"I didn't like what he was saying," I answer honestly.
"Didn't like what he was saying?" Xavier scoffs. "I also think it's cute when you get distracted and smile."
Crossing my arms, I glare at him.
"I never said Andrew called me cute."
"He didn't?" Xavier gasps. "I guess I must have slipped up and said my own thoughts."
Smiling once again, he takes a seat on the couch, tapping his lap pridefully.
"Come here, Forest Flower."
No longer forcing up the assertive front I keep around Andrew, my mind and body melt at the sound of his wants. Eagerly letting him gather me in his lap, my arms instinctively wrap around his neck to pull him closer. Kissing me with no boundaries, his lips devour mine in a gentle touch.
"I thought we were being careful about how much we did this?" Xavier points out, though his hands are already making their way under my shirt.
"No sex," I whisper. "This isn't sex."
"Right, because sex will be the fine line between platonic and..."
He trails off before he can finish his statement.
"And what?" I whisper.
Clearing his throat, he cups my face with his hands. Rolling his thumbs over my cheeks, a smile tugs up the corner of his lips.
"I'm not just using this as an opportunity to get myself off," he whispers. "Something pulls me close to you. Something I can't even begin to explain. Every time you are with me like this, it feels like my soul is finally intact."
If only he knew.
If only he knew how much I understand that statement.
Avoiding sex with Xavier is more than what meets the surface.
Trust me, I would let him carry me to my bedroom with no hesitation.
I know once we have allowed that to happen, all of the knowledge I have about our past, coupled with the reality that I have a limit to my lifespan would drive me insane.
All I can hold onto are these moments of peace.
These moments where, for once in my life, I am not a weapon.
I serve no purpose.
No purpose other than loving Xavier.
And god, do I love him.
"I love you," I whisper without thinking.
Widening his eyes, I shake my head at the realization that I was thinking out loud.
Fuck, fuck-
"You do?" he questions with genuine sincerity.
Slowly nodding my head, I lean in just a bit closer.
"You're someone I want to keep safe. Someone who deserves to feel my love with no constraints."
But that's not possible, is it?
There is no reality in which I get to live a life with Xavier.
I can fool myself and feed into delusion, but at the end of the day, this is all I have.
These small moments.
These small moments with him.
"You want honesty, Forest?" Xavier prods. "I don't think this is the first time we've met-"
Now the one with wide eyes, I look at him in disbelief.
"I think our souls were once together in another lifetime. Maybe before the wars," he continues.
False hope is a damn painful thing.
"Maybe we had a house like this and worked normal jobs in a society that was never divided," he smiles. "Maybe we had little ones, ones that would run up to me after work and greet me with wide grins."
It hurts.
It hurts so damn bad.
"I'd look up and see you smiling on the porch and give you a kiss like I just did," moving his lips to my ear, he kisses my neck. "Then, I'd hold you like I am now and tell you how much I love you and the life we have."
Tensing up, I wrap around him tighter.
"Because I do love you, Forest Evermoore," he whispers, using the name I had happily put down at the tattoo shop. "I love you now, and well after my heart has stopped beating. Until my last breath, and even then, death itself will never take you away from me."
Pressing his forehead to mine, I glance at the bedroom.
"Take me to the bedroom" I whisper. "I don't feel like kissing you on the floor anymore."
Not arguing with me, he stands up, keeping me wrapped around his waist. Kissing him more aggressively, I mentally prepare myself for the restraint it will take not to pursue things further.
"I'll never let anything bad happen to you, Forest," he whispers.
"Trust me. The feeling is mutual."
Smiling, he swings open the door.
As much as I would like to enjoy what is about to happen, something nags at my mind.
Who will be there to keep him safe once I am gone?
Looking at his smile now, dread overcomes me.
I really hope he is right about our souls.
There is no way in hell that I don't search for him in the next lifetime.