Page 53 of The Next Chapter

‘Lola.’ I stand up, realizing how soaked I am. My clothes feel like they’re lined with lead.

She’s still coming towards me. It would be weird if I started running away from her, and anyway, I don’t want to do that.

I’m not used to seeing Lola outside of Skye. It feels wrong, her being here, like the clashing of two completely separate worlds.

‘Lola!’ I’m having to shout over the rain. ‘What are you doing here?’

She answers, I can see her lips moving, but it’s hard to make out over the rain. Her plait where it pokes out of her hood is dripping wet, water running down it and onto her raincoat.

‘Come on.’ I pull at her hand. Mum and Dad’s house is just outside the park. I keep pulling her, walking towards it, my brain whirling with the fact that she’s here, she came.

We reach the house and I push the door open, dripping my way into the hall. Elton takes one look at us and makes a dash for it, as quick as his arthritic hips can take him.

Lola, who was wearing a coat and so fared much better than me in the freak downpour, takes it off and looks around.

I gaze at her like she’s some sort of apparition.

‘So, this is where you grew up?’ she asks.

I nod. Still not moving.

‘I’ve been trying to picture it for all these years.’

She looks round some more. I need to ask her why she’s here. I need to tell her that I was going to come back to her too. But she’s wandering now, from room to room.

‘I’m going to change quickly.’

I thump up the stairs. My jumper is wool and it’s already starting to shrink. I wrestle it off, and my jeans, pulling on fleecy joggers and a hoodie instead. My hair is a tomorrow problem because right now, Lola’s downstairs.

I pad down to find her in the kitchen by the kettle.

‘I hope it’s all right,’ she tells me. ‘I know that y’all like a cup of tea for these sorts of things.’ She has a small smile at her mouth.

‘It’s fine, honestly.’

The kettle boils and we work together to make two drinks. The air between us feels fragile, like glass that might shatter at any moment.

I don’t know what’s happening, but I do want to know. ‘Why are you here, Lola?’

She looks at me over the top of her mug. She’s cupping it with both hands as she blows on it.

‘I want to make you tea, Lily.’ She says it matter of factly. ‘I want to be here for you.’

‘What do you mean?’

She takes a sip and levels a look at me.

‘I gave up on you twice already. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.’

I swallow.

‘I want to fight for you, Lily. I don’t want to give up like I did when you were a baby, or when your pa told me not to call again. And I’m sorry about your letters but—’

‘You didn’t get them.’ I cut her off. ‘I know you didn’t get the letters. I think Mum and Dad were so scared of losing me, they never passed them on to the agency. I believe you.’

That’s one thing I’m realizing in all of this.

Sometimes people do hurtful things because of love.

Just like Lola all those years ago. And it’s up to us to decide whether we can live with those things.

Sometimes we can’t, and that’s okay, but other times, like with Lola and Mum and Dad, forgiving them feels like the right thing to do.

There’s freedom in forgiveness, I think.

‘It’s okay, Lola.’

She carries on, looking right at me. ‘I walked away from my family. From my life in America. When Jimmy… did what he did, I didn’t fight it.

I never fought for you either. Even Noah was just there one day.

And I never fought for him to stay. I think half the time he was runnin’ from everything that happened to him as a kid.

I never told him that leaving isn’t the same as escaping. ’

‘It wouldn’t have been fair for you to ask that of him.’

‘No, I agree, but sometimes people are looking for a reason to stay.’

‘What do you want, exactly, from me?’

Lola puts down her mug on the kitchen cabinet.

‘I want a place in your life, Lily, and I’m willing to fight for it.

I know I’ll never be your parent; you’ve had two of them already and seems to me like they did a great job.

I knew they would and I’m so happy that you had that.

I don’t think I said, but I’m so sorry, for your loss.

This is me, here, fighting for you, Lily.

Because I didn’t do that before, when I should have done. I didn’t fight for the people I love.’

Maybe here there should be a dramatic pause. I should hold my breath a second and let Lola wonder what I’m going to say. I don’t do that, though, because I want what she wants. This moment is dramatic enough.

‘I want that too,’ I rush out. ‘I want to fight too. I want to be a part of your life, I mean. Or for you to be a part of mine. Even when it’s hard, or especially when it’s hard.’

I’m not sure who moves first, or how my drink ends up on the side, but Lola is hugging me then.

It’s not at all like I expected. She’s so strong and wiry, I did not have her pegged as such a good hugger.

It feels like relief, that we finally made it here.

Despite Lola’s anaconda arms squishing me a touch, I can breathe a little easier.

When she pulls back, her eyes are wet again. And being around someone crying always makes me cry, it’s just the way of the world.

‘Do you think you could ever forgive me? For leaving you back then? I know I had some bad luck, what with Jimmy and… but I made the choices I made. I’m not shying away from them.’

I know the answer before she even finishes the question. Forgiveness is a choice. But for me, forgiving Lola, letting it all go, it’s as easy as breathing.

‘I already have, Lola. How could I not? You gave me all your good luck. Mum and Dad were amazing parents.’

Lola smiles, genuinely happy to hear that.

And then I’m laughing, and Lola is too.

‘How did you find me?’ I ask, only just realizing that Lola had turned up at a random bench in Manchester.

‘Seb,’ she answers. ‘I turned up at the office this morning. I, er, hope it’s all right, but seein’ as he’s your boss and not your brother, I asked if he might let you come back to Skye. Just for a while now. He said y’all need to look at your phone.’

I fish my phone out of my pocket. It’s been on silent ever since my meeting with Mr Vandergilden.

There’s a single message from Seb.

Seb: Go!!!!!!

I laugh. ‘I think he wants me to go.’

And that’s how I find myself repacking my bags for the third time in so many weeks.

I forgo the hypoallergenic pillow this time.

Mr Cains is all too happy to have Elton back under his guardianship. I’m thinking, if I’m going to be spending time on Skye, I might suggest some sort of joint custody arrangement.

‘The van’s by the park,’ Lola tells me as I zip up my spare coat. ‘It’s not far.’

The drive back up to Skye is possibly a test of Lola’s newfound motherly love.

Eight hours is quite a long time. Grand gestures are bound to lose some of their shine in that time.

But actually, this grand gesture doesn’t.

When my nausea allows, Lola and me, we get to talk about all the things we couldn’t before.

I field an absolute torrent of questions about my childhood. She wants to know every little detail.

In turn, I ask her everything I wanted to in the sessions. About her childhood, about Baton Rouge and whether she’d ever go back (‘Maybe, if I had someone willing to come with me.’). About the hotel.

And between all the talking and the nausea we sing. We sing until my voice is hoarse and I can’t sing anymore. Then Lola sings on her own. She really is amazing.

When she begins to hum the tune to ‘Eyes Full of Wonder’, I nod off. Wake up somewhere in Scotland. Swallow around some nausea.

Scotland makes me think of Lola, but it reminds me of Noah too. Of all the things that I’ve been trying to ignore this past week. Noah sleeping next to me, his hair over his forehead. Noah eating vegetable pizza without complaint. Clashing teeth in freezing water. Terrible karaoke.

‘How’s Noah?’ I ask Lola.

She taps her fingers on the steering wheel.

‘He showed me your plan for the hotel. What did he call it?’

‘The three-pronged plan,’ I answer automatically because my mind is tripping over the fact of Noah.

‘That was mighty kind there, Lily. I don’t think anyone ever did somethin’ so nice for me.’

‘It was mostly Noah. And you can’t do it all on your own,’ I tell her. My voice still has some far away quality.

In turn, Lola’s voice is steady. ‘No, you can’t.’

It’s almost dark as we wind our way to the hotel. The mountains surrounding us are jagged silhouettes against the night sky. It seems almost ridiculous how out of place I was here seven weeks ago. Now, the sight of all the mountains relaxes me.

I’m excited to be here with Lola and to see Noah again.

It’s that fluttery sort of excitement that feels like a kaleidoscope of butterflies let loose in your stomach.

I want to make it right between us. It’s like Lola said: you have to fight for the things that you want in life. And I gave up Noah way too easily.

‘What on earth…’

Lola’s pulling into the car park, but something’s not right. There’s a police car here, its lights flashing. And a bundle of people by the front of the door. I can see Bertie pecking around at their feet.

Lola doesn’t pull into a car park space. Instead, she just stops the van and we both jump out. She’s taking big strides towards the group and I’m running to keep up. Noah is there, but there’s no time for grand reunions.

‘What’s happened?’ I ask him. Even though I think I already know.

‘Harper,’ he tells me. ‘She’s been missing all day.’

My brain is lighting up, high on adrenaline. It revisits every interaction with Harper.

‘They’re saying they might need to look in the loch.’ Noah’s voice is shaky.

‘No,’ I tell him. ‘She wouldn’t go out there.’

God, is this because of me? I left her, didn’t I? Just like everyone else has done. Still, I’m running through the places she might be. Where I’ve seen her. Where we first met.

‘The forest,’ I say, my voice quiet. But there’s so much noise around me.

‘What’s that, Lily?’ Noah asks.

‘The forest, I think she’s in the forest behind the cottages.’ This time, I’m loud enough to be heard.

‘I, er, I just think that she liked it in there.’

‘We’re searching all areas, miss,’ the police officer says, not unkindly.

But Lola ignores him. ‘Come on,’ she tells Noah and I.

We’re hurrying through the hotel gardens.

‘Later,’ I tell Noah.

‘Later,’ he agrees. Some understanding between us that unless we find Harper, there won’t be a later.

Lola produces a torch and Noah and I use our phones to give us some light.

Still, we’re marching through the forest in the dark, we trip and stumble over branches on the floor. The thought of Harper out here on her own makes me feel sick.

‘Harper!’ we call.

‘HARPER!’

It’s full night now. The darkness thick and velvety.

‘Harper,’ I shout, tripping and banging my knee. ‘Fucking Jesus.’ I hop about. ‘Harper!’

The thought that I might be wrong here makes me feel queasy.

‘Harper!’

Another fall.

‘Harper!’

I’ve no idea how we’ll get out of here if we even do find her. It feels like we’ve been searching forever.

‘Harper!’ we shout. I don’t know exactly when I started to cry.

‘Harper!’ What if we don’t find her? What then?

‘Lily.’

‘Shh,’ I tell Lola and Noah. ‘I think I heard something. Harper!’

‘Lily.’

‘I heard it too,’ Lola says.

‘Hang on, Harper, we’re coming,’ Noah calls back.

I want to collapse on the floor with relief. ‘Harper,’ I shout, ‘be as loud as you can. Shout back.’

‘LILY.’

‘Okay, it’s this way.’ Noah points to the direction of Harper’s voice.

‘Keep shouting to us, Harper,’ Lola calls.

‘Lily!’ Harper’s voice sounds hoarse.

Eventually, the calls of ‘Lily’ become louder until we find Harper, arms wrapped around herself sitting at the bottom of a tree.

Her face is puffy with tears, and she’s soaked and shaking.

Noah has his jacket off in a second and wraps it around her. He picks her up like a doll and she doesn’t even complain. She just tucks her head into his shoulder.

‘It’s all right, Harper,’ Lola says, heading back in what must be the direction of the hotel.

‘Yeah, we’ve got you,’ I say, just for something to say. It’s been a day, honestly.

‘You came back.’ Her voice is muffled in Noah’s shirt.

‘Yeah, Harper, I came back.’