Page 162 of The Man Upstairs

He cared about me. Despite the circumstances. It was more than words could say, and more than I could have ever hoped for.

“Come with me, please,” he said again. “Just grab a few things and come with me. We have somewhere lined up that can take you, if you’ll sign yourself in. A residential rehabilitation facility. Katreya has found you the best, I swear. They’ll be able to fix things.”

It would have been so easy to buckle, and promise anything, and agree to any conditions in the world to go along with him, and see Grace, and Ryan, and Emily. Even Katreya. My old home, and our dog, and my old life. Everything I ever stood for. But I couldn’t do it under the pretence of another round of lies. I reminded myself of that again as I looked at him.

“I don’t need fixing,” I told him. “I need forgiveness.”

“YOU NEED FIXING, JULIAN! You need HELP!”

“Help from what?” I asked. “From Rosie, you mean? The woman I live with?”

He put his hands in his hair at that.

“Woman?You call that girl awoman?! She’s barely fucking legal!”

“That’s very true, yes. But she’s a woman, and I love her.”

“Love her.” He closed his eyes and cursed under his breath. “So, you won’t accept you have predatory sexual urges and need help? Please see some fucking sense, will you? We’re all behind you. I had to virtually beg Grace and Ryan to stay away from this visit, because I didn’t know what the hell state you’d be in, and it’s damn well good I did. Or they’d have seen that poor little girl running away from you, too.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Running away?!”

“Yes, running away. She was running back to her mother, wasn’t she? Where did you find her? On her way back from high school?”

“No. Of course not! And she wasn’t running, I can assure you!”

“Let’s see if the rehab centre agrees with you. Just get your things and come with me. I have the car outside. We’ll get you booked in, and get your assessment done, and when you’re up to it, after some treatment, we’ll get Grace and Ryan to see you, and we can work things through, slowly, and they’ll be there. We’re all behind you, no matter how fucked up things have been.”

I was shaking my head as I finally poured our coffees.

“Well?” he pushed. “Are you coming? I don’t want a fucking drink with you, Jules, I want you in the car on the way out of this shit tip. I have no idea why you even came here. It’s a disgusting place. I’d have thought you’d have at least picked somewhere vaguely habitable for you to end your days in.”

“It’s considerably more habitable than it was when I moved in here, believe me. I keyed in a random postcode actually, and it came up with Worcester. I chose the cheapest place that I could find.”

“You don’t know what you’re doing, I swear. Will you trust me, please? Trust me that you’re ill?”

I sighed at that. I thought my words in the letter had been clear, and real, and conveyed the truth, but the truth can always be misread, and twisted.

I couldn’t blame him, either. They wanted excuses, and reasons beyond my control, clutching at straws at how I could berehabilitatedand turned back into the facade of Julian they’d all come to know. But I didn’t want that. Not now. Maybe a few months ago, but not now.

“I’m not a predator,” I told him, calmly. “My alcohol addiction is easing off, and yes, I’ll happily take therapy for that, but when it comes to upping and leaving and checking myself into rehab for depravity with women, I’m sorry, but that isn’t an illness. Not for me. My past is full of mistakes on that front, and I take full responsibility for them, but I am not sick. I am perfectly aware of what I am doing, and always have been. My crimes have been morality based, in the fact that I acted very out of turn, but I am not a criminal in the eyes of the law.”

I watched his expression turn to rage.

“YOU PREYED ON GRACE’S FRIENDS! BEHIND KAYREYA’S BACK! Your WIFE’S back!”

I didn’t rise to his shouting.

“I fucked plenty of girls behind Katreya’s back, yes, and I shouldn’t have done it. I’m very sorry. It’s a regret I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, but Katreya and I were estranged, and I didn’t prey on anyone. I fucked them.”

He turned away from me, his hands back in his hair.

“FUCK. JUST –” He fisted his hands as he swung back around. “JULIAN!”

I didn’t have anything to say. I waited until he regained some semblance of calm, and let him continue.

“I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to help. That’s what we need to do for you now. HELP.”

“Thank you. I’m grateful beyond words. And I’ll take that help, and I’ll love that help, and I’ll appreciate that help more than you could ever imagine. But it has to be help in the right areas.”