Page 15 of The Man Upstairs

I took the foil wrapped pizza from my bag, eyes still on Mum. “I’ve got you some food. I doubt you’ve eaten, right?”

Mum shook her head. No, she hadn’t. Surprise.

“Pizza sounds great,” Trisha said, and again, I wished she’d just fuck the hell off.

I’d only just got to my feet when Mum started up with her self-hatred. It always stabbed me deep, hating how much she hated herself. She didn’t deserve it. I’d meant everything I’d said to Julian. Mum’s heart was in the right place, even if she didn’t believe it.

“If I was better looking, he’d have let me in,” she said to Trisha, blanking me out. “I thought this dress looked good enough on me, but I was wrong. I look shit in it.”

I got the pizza slices ready for the microwave but had to brace myself against the counter, frustrated. I’d heard Mum’s different mantras all my life.

Not smart enough. Not hot enough. Not good enough.

Too dumb. Too ugly. Too weak. Too pathetic. Too useless.

Too worthless for anyone to love…

But I loved her. ME. I loved her with everything I had.

“You’re better off without him, Bev,” I heard Trisha say. “There’s never any smoke without fire. He’s called a sicko for a reason. He probably hangs out at school gates. Fucking paedo.”

I’d love to know just who said Julian was a sicko, and what he’d done to earn their crappy judgement. He hardly seemed like a criminal to me. This whole place was full of idiots, with their own reels of bullshit to add to everything.

I pulled myself together enough to heat the pizza slices, then presented them on a plate. Mum ignored it, still streaming depressive tears and preferring wine, but Trisha tucked in with athanks. I had no interest in eating with her.

Neither of them acknowledged me as I walked away.

I took off my cap and laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as my mind ran through the craziness. If only Mum had replied to my messages, or answered my call, maybe I could have stalled her. Maybe she wouldn’t have gone up there. But this sorry mess wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my decision to go upstairs trashed, trying to seduce a guy I barely knew.

I’d usually be right in there with Mum, sobbing alongside her, but for once, I wasn’t entirely on her side.

I screwed my eyes shut as a fresh round of sobs sounded from the living room. You’d think Mum would have been more devastated by her ex-boyfriend trying to strangle her than she would by a guy sayingno, thank youto a date, but no. It didn’t change the fact Mum was Mum, though. It didn’t change the fact that I cared about her more than life itself.

I was grateful when Trisha upped and left at just gone midnight, telling Mum that Julian was a sicko again on her way. Mum was still sitting on the sofa, staring into miserable space as I locked us in and bolted the door.

I took a seat beside her.

“It’s only one night. You might still get to know him.”

You’d have thought the outcome was set in stone from the way she shook her head.

“It’s obvious he doesn’t think I’m good enough. He doesn’t want to get to know me, and I don’t blame him.”

“You don’t know that. You can’t know that yet,” I said. “If you’d have answered my calls earlier, I would’ve said it wasn’t a great idea to go charging up there after one single night.”

She looked so hurt. “Oh, right. So,I’min the wrong now, am I? I’m not good enough and shouldn’t have even tried?”

I wanted to shake her. Seriously wanted to shake her. It was another case of her being the lovestruck teenager while I tried to be the parent, and tonight I’d had enough.

“I’m going to bed,” I said. “I’ve got another shift in the morning.”

She looked shocked. “You’re leaving me?”

“I’m notleaving you. I’m going to bed. Maybe you should get some sleep too. You’ve got work earlier than me.”

“I won’t be going. I’m too upset to handle it. I’ll be up all night, with nobody with me. Story of my fucking miserable life.”

That was utter crap. I wasalwaysthere with her.