Page 45 of The Life of Anna, Tenth Anniversary Edition, Act 2

The Monday morning after Anna returned from the Summer Gathering marked the beginning of dress rehearsal week leading up to the opening night of Giselle on Thursday. Peter had been surprised she’d come home uninjured, but Devin had kept his promise to have Kaveh heal her before she returned. She wouldn’t have been able to travel otherwise. At the Gathering, Devin had allowed the men to do as they pleased with her, and she still didn’t heal as quickly as she used to.

Thursday night, she paced en pointe backstage as she waited for her cue. She couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, and she worried her lack of focus would come across in her dancing. But when she stepped onto the stage, she forgot everything except the dance. She didn’t even think about the steps. She was just... Giselle. Happily dancing around the stage in love and then tragically dying because of Duke Albrecht’s betrayal.

In the second act, she was ethereal, gliding across the stage amid the fog, gracefully dancing with Duke Albrecht until the break of dawn to save his life. As she retreated into the wings and the curtain descended, an explosion of applause erupted from the audience, so thunderous it was deafening. Isaak beamed proudly, while Peter scooped her up and spun her around in dizzying circles. Stepping out for their bows, the audience sprang to their feet and Anna’s heart swelled nearly to bursting with overwhelming joy.

And in that amazing moment, a wave of loneliness hit her hard, drowning out the shouts and applause from the audience. She curtsied low in the blinding stage lights, clutching the roses Peter had handed her to her chest, but she heard nothing but her own heart pounding in her ears.

She could almost see Alex standing in the front row, the biggest smile on his face, clapping harder and shouting louder than anyone in the theater. But no. Alex wasn’t here to see her dance. He was the reason she had made it, and he would never know.

The deafening cheers from the audience echoed in her ears, yet in the midst of their adoration, a haunting emptiness engulfed her. She smiled, her movements graceful and poised, but within her chest an overwhelming surge of isolation left her feeling lost, longing for something she couldn’t name.

She hoped her tears would be mistaken for tears of joy. There were multiple curtain calls, and Anna smiled bravely and curtsied humbly, but inside, unseen and unheard amidst the clamor of ovation, her heart was shattered.

When she could finally escape, she somehow managed to avoid the well-wishers backstage and ran to her dressing room, falling to the floor and weeping.

The tears fell in steady streams to form dark spots on the rug beneath her face. “Oh, Alex,” she sobbed. “Why did you leave me here alone?”

The sadness and despair wrung her heart and tears dry until she could cry no more.

After sitting for a moment in the silence of her dressing room, she slowly stood and began to get ready for the party. She was glad she’d chosen a simple blue satin dress for the occasion. A more embellished dress would have been too over-the-top celebratory, and as much as she knew she should be ecstatic, she remained sober.

By the time Peter knocked on her door, she was composed and calm, but he saw through the fa?ade. “Why did you run away?”

She swallowed, uncertain she could speak without losing control again. She finally choked out a single word. “Lonely.”

Peter murmured something in Russian and pulled her close, holding her tight.

She closed her eyes and relaxed into his embrace, letting his love soothe her aching heart. They had been together about a year now and she couldn’t imagine her life without him.

Together, they walked out to the party and into a swarm of well-wishers, including Peter’s family. For a while, she was distracted enough to forget her broken heart. At least a little. Even Devin seemed pleased, which was more of a relief than a cause for joy.

Later, as she lay in Peter’s arms after lovemaking, she stared into the darkness and the loneliness consumed her again.

A smile played at Anna’s lips as Alex slowly came into focus. She always appeared near the foot of his bed and he usually was standing near the window on the opposite side of the room.

This time was no different, though when he saw her, he smiled and came to sit on the bed next to where she was standing. “Hello, Schatzi .”

The sound of his voice brought tears to her eyes. She gazed into Alex’s loving blue eyes, wishing more than ever that he was still alive. How she longed to feel his arms around her. For him to hold her and tell her that everything would be alright. But it was just a dream. She was alone, no matter how real the dreams felt.

“ Schatzi , what’s wrong?”

She smiled weakly as tears began to fall. “I danced Giselle tonight.” She took a deep breath. “And I was so lonely. There was no one there for me. Even Aaron’s gone.”

Tears filled Alex’s eyes as he looked at her, his face filled with such sorrow that Anna could almost imagine him really there with her.

“ Mein armer Schatzi ,” he murmured. “I am so sorry. But it will not be like this forever, Anna. I promise.”

“Promises of a dead man...” She shook her head and sighed. “Promises that can’t be kept.”

Alex’s brows twitched and he swallowed hard. She could almost imagine that she had hurt him, but she knew it was only her imagination.

“You’ve been dead for three-and-a-half years, Alex. We were only married for three months. Why can’t I let you go?”

“Don’t give up, Anna. I will come for you.”

Frustration welled up in her heart and she backed away. “Why do you say that? You’re dead. You can’t come for me!” She clenched her fists and shook her head violently. “No!”

“No!” Anna sat up in bed.

Peter wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close. “You were dreaming of Alex, weren’t you?”

She nodded. “How did you know?”

“You were talking in your sleep.”

“He always tells me he’ll come for me. To not give up hope.” She rolled to her side, burying her face in the soft hair on Peter’s chest. “Promises of a dead man...”

Peter gently stroked her hair and kissed her head.

“Why can’t I let him go?” she whispered.

“‘The heart has reasons that reason knows not,’” Peter quoted softly. “Maybe you’re not supposed to.”

Anna sniffed. “He’s dead.”

Peter hugged her tightly. “Go back to sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.”