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I tilt my head towards Fran, but can’t take my eyes off the scene. The guy is breathing hard as he comes to a stop, eyes searching wildly. The guests are all murmuring and whispering behind us. A little way off, the bridesmaids are looking aghast, conspiring about what the best course of action is.

‘That’s the boy from the airport,’ Fran says. ‘What’s he doing here?’

He shouts at us all, ‘Am I too late? Has it started? Where is Kayleigh?’

I tell Fran, ‘Looking for Kayleigh, apparently.’

And then Leon is appearing out of nowhere from a garden path, and he really does scrub up well in that navy suit. He spots us both immediately, but keeps his eyes on the inter-loper, scrutinising him.

‘Wait. Wait, I know him.’

‘Yeah, from the airport. He was almost as clumsy as you.’

‘No, that’s not … I think he’s—’

And then Kayleigh arrives at the top of the stairs for her grand entrance.

Except the band hasn’t begun to play like they were supposed to, and we don’t all stand up as one with a reverent gasp, and her eyes blow wide as she sees what all the commotion is about.

She grabs her skirt in one hand, bouquet clenched in the other, and we all hear her saying, ‘David, what are you doing here?’

I let out an actual shriek when he throws himself down on one knee, arms flung to the sides. I’m not the only one.

Leon says, ‘It’s the fucking stripper from the video.’

NOOOOOO.

Oh my God. Oh my God, it is. It’s the silver cowboy!

‘It is not ,’ Fran gasps.

‘I didn’t recognise him with all his clothes on!’ I say, maybe a bit too loudly.

‘I’m not too late! Thank God! I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages!

You stopped replying to my messages yesterday.

I can’t let you go through with this, Kayleigh.

What we have is special. It’s something worth fighting for, I just know it.

I think you’re the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

That kiss rocked my world, baby. Didn’t you feel the same way? ’

Next to me, Fran cringes. She presses her face into my shoulder and groans quietly.

‘Oh, God, I just heard it. Please tell me I didn’t sound that pathetic.’

Leon and I exchange looks, biting back laughs. She groans again.

The bridesmaids have hurried forward, and Kayleigh is hissing at the stripper, her face contorted into something furious and ugly. Marcus has walked over, too.

‘I know you felt it!’ cowboy guy crows. ‘I know we met on your hen do and it’s only been a couple of weeks but it’s you, baby. It’s you. You’re all I can think about. We’re meant to be together, I just know it.’

I am screaming. Internally, obviously. This is pure fucking gold.

‘Mate, who are you? Kay, who is this guy?’ Marcus asks.

The stripper – David, apparently – stands up. He’s all thick neck and beefy arms, which apart from the fact he can’t be a day over twenty-two, does make Marcus look a bit like he’s facing off against The Rock.

‘I’m the guy she’s meant to be with,’ he declares, chest puffed up.

Kayleigh presses the heel of her wrist to her forehead, exasperated – angry at the disruption more than she is embarrassed. After all, this is not how she (we, I) planned this moment. David’s spectacle is eating into her post-ceremony photo time.

She huffs, ‘No, you’re not. He’s no one. He’s a stripper we met on the hen do.’

Marcus laughs, pointing at him. ‘What, the cowboy? As if!’

‘We have something special!’ David insists. ‘ We kissed .’

There’s a collective inhale from the congregation. Leon cringes, and on my other side Fran is clutching my arm tight and whispering, ‘Don’t you dare let me try to tell a man I love him ever again. I cannot believe I was actually going to do this .’

Leon leans around me to look at her, wide-eyed. ‘You didn’t tell him?’

‘No! I couldn’t—’

I have to cut them off. ‘I’m not being funny, you two, but save it for your next deplorable toilet trip. There is peak reality show-level drama unfolding here.’

Kayleigh gives Marcus a long-suffering look while he laughs, and the mood shifts so sharply I almost feel the wind change with it.

There’s no outrage from Marcus that his bride snogged another man only weeks ago; he thinks it’s funny , and she is clearly only annoyed by this interruption in her otherwise perfect day – not humiliated, or even sorry. And Marcus just … doesn’t care .

It’s not even like he’s trying to save face. He genuinely thinks this is going to be a funny story they tell about the day later, not something that would spoil it, or get between them.

Marcus claps David on the shoulder. ‘Alright, mate, time to go. Unless you want to wait for them to ask if anyone objects?’

‘ Don’t give him ideas,’ Kayleigh snaps. ‘David, get out.’

‘But—’

‘One kiss and a bit of harmless flirting doesn’t mean I want you to fly halfway across Europe and ruin my wedding, for God’s sake.

Get a grip!’ she sneers at him, then snatches the Ladurée bag out of his hands, passing it to Andi.

I don’t blame her; they are really good macarons, and would probably be wasted on David.

‘Now take your pathetic flowers and sad attitude and go home.’

‘I really hope she kept the thong,’ I whisper to Fran, who snorts a laugh and draws a few glowers from guests. Even Leon has to choke down a chuckle, fighting to keep his face neutral.

David stands shocked for a moment, before stumbling back a few steps and fleeing the scene. I feel kind of bad for him, getting shot down like that – but you know, he did bring this humiliation on himself.

Marcus tells Kayleigh, ‘You look gorgeous, babe.’

She beams. ‘I know.’

‘Ready to do this?’

‘Well, I’ve got to do my entrance again. He ruined it.’

‘Wouldn’t have it any other way.’ Marcus winks at her, and Kayleigh looks a little happier as she goes back up the stairs to have her big moment for the crowd and cameras, and an uneasy mutter sweeps through the guests. Marcus notices and calls to them, ‘Nothing to see here, folks! Show’s back on!’

He takes his spot back at the altar.

There’s a lot of sidelong glances and hastily whispered conversations, but I hardly pay them any attention. Kayleigh’s true colours got a reveal after all, and – shocker – nobody even cares that much. Especially not Marcus.

She really is the most like herself around him.

They’re made for each other.

‘I have to go,’ I tell the other two. ‘Catch you later? Cocktail hour?’

They both nod. Leon puts a hand on Fran’s back, saying, ‘Do you want to sit by us?’

‘Oh! Yes, please.’

I leave them to it and go join the other bridesmaids. The music starts up, and one by one, we make our way down the aisle as Kayleigh descends to the pavilion once more, with all eyes on her.

She wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m sure the only person who notices me smiling to myself is one of the photographers, busy capturing every inch of the wedding, but that’s okay.

This will be the last thing I ever do for Kayleigh. I suppose I should do it well.