Page 18

CHAPTER

18

LINDSEY

“DAD!” I YELPED as he pulled me backward, away from the boat. His grip was tight—too tight. His fingers dug into my skin, hard enough that I knew there would be bruises tomorrow. “Dad, stop.”

“What are you doing?” he yelled, but it wasn’t anger in his voice, it was panic. “Why are you in here?” He shook me, his face tortured.

“Let go of me,” I whimpered. I finally managed to free myself and staggered back, bumping into a shelf and knocking over a small glass bowl once filled with vinegar that had long since evaporated. It fell to the ground, shattering at my bare feet, but he barely seemed to notice.

I had never seen him like this before. My dad was usually cool and calm. He was the irresistible charmer who could smooth-talk his way into any restaurant or get our flights upgraded with only a smile. The man in front of me was a complete stranger. He was sweaty and red-faced. His eyes were wild.

Dad was in a tailspin.

It was the only way to describe what was happening with him.

“You shouldn’t be in here.” His voice shook. He leaned back against his beloved car, sliding to the floor, and buried his face in his hands. “You shouldn’t be in here.”

I wasn’t sure whether to stay or go. I debated calling my mom, but my phone was upstairs in my room.

I took a step toward him, my hand reaching out. I couldn’t leave him like this. This was my father. And for better or worse, I loved him.

But this was also the same man who preyed on young women. Who took advantage of girls young enough to be his daughter.

“Dad … what’s going on?” My words were barely audible.

He was looking at me, but he wasn’t seeing me .

“She was everything to me,” he whispered.

“Jess?” I asked, but he didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure he had even heard me.

Dad’s face contorted in pain. “I would have done anything for her. Absolutely anything. She was my whole world. I had never known love like that before. Not with my parents. Not with your mother. Not with—” He cut himself off but I knew what he was going to say.

Not with me.

I stared mutely at him sitting on the filthy garage floor, his back against his beloved Mustang. He lifted his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He looked like a pitiful child.

He was broken.

Dad’s eyes were beseeching. “I didn’t mean to do anything.”

My heart stuttered and my stomach tightened into knots.

“What did you do?”

Jessica:

I drove away from Southern State University like the devil was on my heels.

The sun was low in the sky by the time I pulled up in front of my parents’ house. I looked up at the pretty two-story home and tried to remember a time I felt happy there.

When I had been happy at all.

I was starting to forget what joy felt like.

I readied myself like a soldier going into battle. I took the keys out of the ignition and headed for the front door. It opened before I could turn the knob.

“Jessie!” Lindsey threw herself at me and for a brief second, I felt it … happiness.

I picked up my baby sister and hugged her tight, burying my face into her soft hair.

She wiggled in my arms, and I put her down with a watery laugh.

“All my friends are coming and Mommy put Christmas lights up in the backyard! Dad got me a bouncy castle, too! Come on!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house.

Mom came out of the kitchen and gave me a quick hug. She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked at me with concern.

“Jessica, are you okay? You look tired.” She gave me a stern once over. “And you’ve lost weight. Too much weight. You’re nothing but skin and bones.”

Of course her worry was laced with criticism.

“I’m fine,” I replied shortly, pulling away from her. I looked around, feeling my belly tighten. “Where’s Dad?”

“He had to grab some extra paper plates from the garage. He’ll be back any second.” Her look became piercing. “Is everything okay between you two?”

I was taken aback, not used to my mother’s perceptiveness. “Everything’s fine.” I said it too quickly. It sounded like the lie it was.

Her frown deepened. “Funny, he said the same thing, and I didn’t believe him either.”

Before I could say another word, Lindsey yelled for me from the back of the house.

“Go keep her entertained. She’s been bouncing off the walls,” Mom sighed in good-natured annoyance.

I went to find my sister, every step as heavy as lead.

Lindsey:

“What did you do?” I asked again. “Dad, please, tell me what happened.”

“It’s not as simple as that,” he laughed humorlessly. Dad dragged his hands through his hair, standing it on end. “It never is.”

I waited, my anxiety building as the seconds ticked by.

“Jess was a very mixed-up woman. She had her whole life in front of her, but she so quickly lost sight of what was right in front of her. She let her emotions rule her. She got carried away by misdirected anger. She always felt things so passionately.” He wiped his eyes. “When she was little, I got her a pet bird, much to your mother’s chagrin.” We shared a brief smile, knowing how much Mom hated pets, which is why I never had one.

“It died after a few months. I think the pet store sold me one that was sick.” He sniffed, his words wobbling. “Jess cried about that bird for weeks. She was so … intense about it. I loved how much she felt about everything in her life. Her fury was no different.”

A cold draft blew through the garage and I shivered.

“What does that mean? Her fury?” I asked.

“I’ve not always been a good man, Lindsey. I’m selfish, I have needs—like all men,” he began. His words sounded like an excuse. “I loved Jess—maybe too much. She wasn’t the only one to feel things deeply. Perhaps my love was too big for both of us.” I tried to suppress a shudder. “Everything I ever did was to protect her. To make her happy. To make her life perfect. But when she saw something in me she didn’t like, she turned against me. She hated me as strongly as she loved me.” He seemed to struggle to find the words he needed.

“It was easy for her to forget the good things I did. How much I gave up for my family. She disregarded all the times I stayed up with her when she was sick. Every T-ball team I coached and every fishing trip we took.”

He sounded as if he had been the one betrayed. As if Jess had hurt him . It was all wrong. Their relationship, that I used to be so jealous of, was twisted and unhealthy. He spoke of my sister in a way that made my insides curdle. I didn’t understand it. And I didn’t want to.

He spoke of all the things he had done for Jess. With Jess. My sister had gotten a side of our father that I used to think I wanted. But not anymore. Those were her experiences, her affection, her love. He gave her all of it and left none for me. And for the first time, I was thankful. I didn’t want this kind of love.

The kind that could choke you.

“She wanted to ruin me, but in the end, she ruined herself.”

Jessica:

Walking through my childhood home felt odd this time.

Like I was already a stranger.

As if I didn’t have a right to be there.

“Where’s your ring?” Mom asked, coming out to the backyard where I was pushing Lindsey on the swing.

I looked down at my naked finger and felt a flash of satisfied rage. “It’s gone,” was all I said.

“Gone? We spent good money on that ring and you lost it?” Mom shrieked. I saw the telltale signs of one of her lectures.

I leaned down toward Lindsey. “I need to go outside and get something from the car. I think you’re going to be surprised.”

Lindsey’s eyes widened. “Ooh, what is it?” She hopped off the swing. “Come on, come on!”

I started to walk past Mom, but she grabbed my arm. “Where are you going? I’m not done talking to you.”

“You don’t listen, Mom, so I won’t bother saying anything.” I sounded sad, not angry. “I wish you would hear me out. Just for once.”

The frustration drained from my mother’s eyes, replaced with the same concern that had been there earlier. “Jessica …”

“I need to get Lindsey’s cake out of the car. Don’t want to mess up anything else.” I couldn’t stop the hostility. It bled into everything.

I opened the front door and I saw a red Mazda Miata parked behind my car. Dr. Daniels was sitting in the driver’s seat.

Lindsey started to follow me outside, but I held her back. “You wait here. I don’t want you to see the surprise until I bring it inside.”

Lindsey pouted. “That’s not fair,” she whined, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’ll be quick. I promise.” I ruffled her hair and she swatted my hand away, hurrying over to the front window, pulling back the curtain so she could watch me.

I cast a nervous glance toward the Miata as Dr. Daniels got out.

I closed the door, took a deep breath, and walked toward my fate.

Lindsey:

“Lindsey!”

A loud banging came from the front of the house.

“Lindsey! I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you!” Ryan called out.

“Who is that?” Dad asked, getting to his feet, casting a furtive glance toward the garage door.

“I’ll get rid of him. Give me a second,” I promised, hurrying to the front door. I opened it to a frantic Ryan.

“I’ve been calling you for over an hour. I didn’t know if you were still with Daisy so I took a chance and drove over …” His words tapered off as he looked past me into the house. He furrowed his brow, as if he could sense something was going on. He turned back to me, his expression tense. “We need to talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about.” I started to close the door, but he held it open. “Ryan, I need you to leave. Now.”

He pushed past me. I grabbed his arm, holding him in place so he couldn’t go any further.

“I want to see that case file,” Ryan demanded. “It doesn’t belong to you, Lindsey. Sergeant O’Neil gave it to both of us. I’m the one he’s been talking to. You can’t keep it from me any longer. I need to see what’s in it.”

“Are you scared about what the police will do now Daisy is finally going to tell them the truth?” I bit out angrily. I couldn’t help it. Standing face to face with him after learning all the ways he had deceived me, I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me.

Because he had made me feel important. And for a time, like I was more than simply Jessica Fadley’s little sister. It obliterated me to know that, to him, that’s all I’d ever be. After everything, there was no future for us, and never would be. He would always belong to Jess. There was no room for me in his heart. “It must be terrifying now that everyone will know you lied.”

Ryan had lied.

Daisy had lied.

My dad had lied.

Everyone had lied.

The only thing left to know was why .

“I don’t give a shit about that. Daisy can say whatever the hell she wants—I’m glad it’s all going to come out.”

I sneered at him. “Sure, that’s why I found you yelling at her. That didn’t sound like someone who was glad it’s all going to come out .”

Ryan made a noise of frustration. “You have no idea what’s really going on here, Lindsey. If you did, you wouldn’t—”

“I wouldn’t what?” I threw back at him. I was sick of everyone telling me that I didn’t understand. “Tell me then. Tell me what happened.”

“Lindsey?”

My dad came out of the garage. His face was red from crying. “What’s going on? Do you … do you need me to do something?”

Ryan’s lip curled in disdain. “What? Are you going to protect her?”

“Do I need to?” Dad countered, drawing himself upright.

Ryan laughed. “As if you could protect anyone. Where were you when your other daughter was falling apart?”

“You don’t know anything about me or my family.” Dad threw back contemptuously. “I think you should leave,” Dad walked toward Ryan, his face darkening.

“And I think you should tell Lindsey what you did.”

I stared between the two of them, anxiety gnawing at me.

“I … I,” my father stuttered over his words. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ll tell her then. Your dad here was screwing around with girls Jess’s age. Hell, he’s probably still doing it. He’s a disgusting, perverted old man who preys on vulnerable young women.” It was Ryan’s turn to take a threatening step toward my dad.

Dad stared at Ryan in shock. “What? How …?”

“Jess was destroyed by your actions.” He pointed at my father. “That’s what drove us apart in the end. I never understood the hold you had over her—why she felt the need to protect you. Your relationship twisted her up inside. It changed her. She became someone else. And it’s this asshole’s fault.

“Who are you?” Dad asked in confusion. Then his eyes cleared with recognition. “You’re that boy Jess was dating.” He turned to me, seeming horrified. “Did you know who he was? My god, Lindsey, what were you thinking getting involved with him?”

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but he had already turned back to Ryan. “I don’t know what Jess told you—”

Ryan crossed his arms and glowered. “I was there that day on the street when you two argued, remember? I heard what you said to her. After you left, she told me all about what she caught you doing.”

Dad let out an agonized groan. “I know what she thought and she made sure to punish me for it.” He seemed to harden. “But Jess was my daughter. There wasn’t a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for her. You have to believe I did everything I could to make things better.”

“I believe you, Dad.” I realized, with absolute certainty, that I did. I may not understand the depths of his relationship with Jess, but I knew he loved her in his version of unfathomable affection.

But there was still something that he was keeping from me—from all of us.

I addressed Ryan again. “Daisy said that you got drunk and drove to our house. That you saw Jess with a man.”

“I did. We fought earlier that day—she broke up with me—and I went and got drunk on a bottle of Grey Goose vodka I’d received for Christmas. Then, full of drunk courage, I had the stupid idea to drive over here and confront her. Maybe I was going to tell her she was wrong to leave me. Maybe I was going to beg her to take me back, who knows. I just needed to see her.” He was picking at his thumbnail, looking torn.

“What were you planning to confront her about?” I asked.

“I thought she was sleeping with Dr. Daniels. That he had sucked her in like he had all the others,” he replied. “So, yeah, I wanted to confront her. I don’t know why I thought it would make me feel better to hear her confess it. ”

“What happened when you got here?” I asked.

There was a tick in Ryan’s jaw. “I saw her with him—with Dr. Daniels—at least I thought it was him. It was dark and I was wasted. But I saw her arguing with an older man. His back was to me, so I couldn’t see his face. Though, I know for certain that whatever was happening wasn’t good. Then he grabbed her …”

Ryan: April 23, 1999 6:20 PM

I turned the radio up. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony belted out of the speakers at full blast. I weaved too far to the right, running off the road.

“Shit,” I muttered, overcorrecting myself, almost driving into oncoming traffic.

I rubbed my eyes, looking nervously in my rearview mirror to make sure I wasn’t being tailed by the cops.

Maybe driving to Jess’s parents’ house when I was loaded wasn’t such a great idea after all.

I thought about her face when she told me to leave. There was no way in hell she actually wanted that. Not when she was sleeping in my bed only two days ago. Girls can’t fake that kind of thing. Or, at least, I hoped not.

So no, I had to see her. I’d beg her to come back to me. We’d fix what was wrong. I’d help her with whatever she was going through.

Because I really loved that girl and I couldn’t stand the thought of us being apart.

My frat brothers told me I was whipped. Tomas, my big brother, said I should forget about her. He tried hooking me up with one of the Omega Mu girls. They didn’t get it. Jess was it for me. She was the one.

Somehow, I made it to the right road. I had looked up Jess’s address in the student directory before leaving, ripping the page out and taping it to the dashboard.

I recognized her Toyota Camry with the dented chrome from when she had driven into a ditch by campus. It was parked in front of house number forty-two.

I made sure to park a little way down the street. Far enough that she wouldn’t notice me, but close enough I could see her house. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say to her, but even as hammered as I was, I knew she’d be pissed if she found out I’d driven here intoxicated.

I cupped my hand and smelled my breath. Damn, it was bad. I smelled like a distillery. I hit my hand against the steering wheel, knowing that I had to go home. I couldn’t waltz up to her kid sister’s birthday party drunk as a skunk. I was such an idiot.

Then I saw Jess. She was standing by her car, the trunk open.

My heart sped up. At the sight of her, every worry drifted away. I had to talk to her. Now.

I put a hand on the door, but before I could get out, I saw a man walk toward her. She stopped, turning to talk to him. Only they weren’t talking, they were arguing. They were clearly both angry. I squinted, trying to make out who it was she was speaking to, but his back was to me. All I could tell was that he was older. It must be Dr. Daniels. Who else could it be?

I watched them for what felt like forever, their heated fight building, before finally getting up the courage to confront them.

“Screw this,” I snarled under my breath.

I fumbled to get my keys out of the ignition, dropping them at my feet. With a string of curses, I reached down and picked them up, smacking my head painfully against the dashboard as I sat back up.

“Goddamn it,” I grumbled, rubbing my head. I reached for the door handle and looked out the window.

Jess was gone.

The man she had been arguing with, too.

The trunk of her car was still wide open, like she only stepped away and would be back any minute.

I got out of my car and stood there in the middle of the street, looking around for her.

I waited. And waited.

I waited so long that eventually I got back in my car to wait some more.

Five minutes turned to twenty and she still wasn’t back.

The front door of her house opened and a little girl stepped outside. “Jessie!” she shouted. “Where are you?’

The girl looked over to my car. I wasn’t even sure if she could see me, but it unnerved me all the same. What would Jess say if she found out I was parked by her house, drunk? It looked weird. I looked weird. Like some freaky stalker or something.

“Christ.” I sped away as fast as my drunk ass could go. And when I got back to my dorm room, I crashed on my bed, feeling too far gone to think properly.

I’d call Jess when I woke up.

Hell, maybe I’d even go back over there tomorrow. But sober this time.