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MILLIE

How insane is that?

Our second Christmas spent without Donna feels criminal.

Even though I knew this day would roll around again, nothing can really prepare you for it.

I thought it’d be easier this time. The first one hurt so much; I thought the second might be a little less painful.

But it’s as raw and gut-wrenching as last year, if not more real. Maybe I was numb last year.

Ellis and I don’t have any family except each other, and that’s a bizarre thing to comprehend, especially on special occasions.

Donna always made Christmas special. She insisted on closing the store every year for the Christmas break.

She said time with family was more important than being open during the holidays and would rather lose out on business than lose out on memories with us.

I loved her even more for it, because the memories I have with her are emblazoned in my brain.

We dragged Christmas out for days, baking cookies, playing board games and watching terrible Christmas movies.

Christmas carols played around the clock, along with Bruce Springsteen, Donna’s favourite.

She’d sing along to his tunes as she prepared Christmas lunch, chopping too many vegetables and basting a ham we’d never get through.

Christmas Eve was always my favourite, though.

We’d go for a morning swim at the beach.

I’d always stay in the shallows as Donna and Ellis dove into the bigger waves.

Rain, hail or shine, we’d be there and then sit on the sand with a coffee or juice, reflecting on our highs and lows of the year.

Donna would ask us what our dreams were, what we wanted to do next, what we wanted to see.

She’d share stories of my parents finding out they were pregnant with me and the first Christmas after my birth where they were all broke beyond belief, but the happiest they’d ever been.

Stories I’ve heard a million times, but that never got old.

Donna had a way of making life seem so exciting and hopeful, and I’d make promises to myself I rarely followed through on.

Except for picking up photography again. She never let that one go.

On Christmas Eve this year, Ellis and I take an early-morning dip in the ocean, with Winston watching us from a spot close to the shoreline.

The sun is already beating down on us and early risers are out in full.

Storm clouds loom on the horizon and it’s only a matter of time before they roll in.

It’s notorious for raining this time of year.

We grab iced lattes from the vendor near the road and sit on the beach to people-watch, watching the waves crash into the shore.

“Nothing can prepare you for grief, no matter how hard you try,” Ellis murmurs.

I put my arm around her shoulder and give it a squeeze. Winston leans up and licks her cheek, and Ellis laughs.

“It hurts more than I thought it would,” she continues, patting Winston.

“It hurts the most for the times she’s not here for anymore.

She’s not here for this . She doesn’t write back in our group chat.

” Ellis wipes her nose. “I can’t show her funny TikTok’s or try to scare her to hear her weird high-pitched squeal. ”

I chuckle, letting tears fall freely behind my sunglasses.

In the past couple of years, we’ve said goodbye to Donna in our own ways, coming to terms with the fact she was slowly leaving us.

We knew it wouldn’t be long before we’d be on our own, trying to navigate life without the woman who’d been there for us our whole lives.

I’ve sobbed, I’ve screamed, I’ve thrown things.

I’ve reflected and reminisced about the good times.

I prepared as much as I could for the days of not having her around, but nothing prepares you for when it happens.

Nothing.

A quiet sob comes from my throat and Ellis squeezes my leg, the two of us quietly crying as the sun shines, Winston resting his head on my foot. “Look at the state of us,” I mutter, and Ellis snorts. “You know what Donna would want us to do right about now?”

“Start drinking?” Ellis offers.

“Yes, and she’d want us to share at least one high from the year, and what we’re aiming to do next year. You go first.”

Ellis sighs, blowing her lips out dramatically as tears drop over them. “Ugh. I don’t know if I can even think of a high from this year.”

“Liar. What about meeting Dahlia?”

“Was definitely an unexpected bonus.” Ellis gives me a cheeky grin, wrinkling her nose. “She’s fun.”

“What else?” I encourage. “How about our volunteer days? They’re always rewarding.”

“Of course,” she agrees, her head lolling to the side to face me. “I didn’t mean I didn’t have any good times. I’m saying it was another tough year.” Ellis leans back on her elbows, kicking her legs out on the sand in front of her. “I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching you recently.”

I frown. “What?”

Ellis smiles. “Ever since you started dating Noah, you’ve had this lightness about you.

It makes me so happy to see you genuinely smile after spending the past two years frowning with focus.

You spent so much time looking after mum, and dealing with me being a fucking mess, it was like you lost a part of yourself. ”

I swallow, unsure of how to process those words. It’s true the past couple of years have felt like battle after battle. I didn’t realise how much of life I was ignoring because I was so focused on Donna, Ellis and the store.

“I’m touched my happiness is on your highlights list,” I say dryly.

“Happy is the word,” she agrees. “You seem happy. ”

My emotions war with each other again, with guilt triumphing as the clear winner. I hate lying to Ellis, and the fact she thinks my happiness is from a genuine connection with someone I’m in a legal obligation with is shameful.

I’m tempted more than ever to spill the fake-dating beans, especially after Noah’s recent sucky behaviour.

The bond I thought we’d created frayed the morning after he went down on me.

I opened up a part of myself I hadn’t shared with anyone before.

He made me feel safe and secure, and he gave me the most intense orgasm of my life.

And then, like a switch, his mood went haywire, talking way too much and never allowing himself to be alone with me for longer than three seconds the entire week.

“You don’t think you’ve been happy?” Ellis’ question pulls me from my thoughts. She’s watching me, her forehead creased.

Despite my internal bitching and moaning, I’ve felt lighter and more at ease than I have in a long time.

Everything with Noah has been unexpected, including the parts where he somehow became my friend, and the person I rely on without even realising.

Being annoyed and confused with him right now doesn’t cancel out those feelings, and I know I can’t betray his trust and my legal obligations, because we’ve hit a snag in our weird relationship.

I exhale so deeply my lips vibrate. “I have no idea what I’ve been.”

“You don’t need to overthink it,” she says kindly, tapping my knee. “For what it’s worth, I think Noah’s a good guy. Keep enjoying the ride. If it goes somewhere, great, and if it doesn’t, enjoy it while it lasts.”

I ignore the thought of what will happen when my arrangement with Noah ends. Even though it’s only been a couple of months, not having him as a constant in my life is hard to imagine.

“Plans for next year?” I ask, moving the conversation along.

Ellis looks up at the sky. “Slow down. Enjoy the little moments. Figure out what we’re going to do with the store. She ain’t cheap and frankly, I’m tired.”

“We don’t have to decide today,” I assure her.

Once we have the money from Noah, I’m hoping it’ll make whatever decisions we come to easier. I also hope Ellis doesn’t murder me when the truth comes out. That’s a very real possibility.

“You sure you don’t want to come to Christmas at the Kings?” I nudge her foot with mine.

She wrinkles her nose. “It’ll be weird not spending it with you.

But I have a feeling we’ll both having a lot of well-deserved fun over the next few days to make up for it.

” She winks at me dramatically and my stomach flip-flops at the insinuation.

I can’t deny my mind has wandered to what everything else in the bedroom would be like with Noah.

“I can’t believe you’re spending Christmas with Dahlia.” I snicker at my next thought. “We’re both dating Hollywood people. Sort of.”

Ellis giggles. “Dahlia and I are not dating.”

“You’re meeting her parents in Melbourne,” I say flatly. “You’re dating.”

She gives me a lazy smile. “What about you? What are you planning for the year?”

I shrug. “Figure out the store plans, absolutely. Once we know what we’re doing, I can look beyond that.”

“And your highlight of the year?”

I ponder before scoffing with disbelief.

Ellis laughs, leaning forward. “Yours is Noah too, isn’t it?”

“How insane is that?” I whisper, shaking my head. I laugh along with her, but while it might seem crazy, it’s true.

Noah’s the bright, confusing, charming star I didn’t know I needed.