Page 82

Post Falls, Idaho

T he chapel is overflowing with people, many of whom Emily Alandt recognizes but a lot of whom she doesn’t.

She and Hunter Johnson are back in Idaho for Xana’s memorial service and to get their stuff from Moscow. Emily had refused to go to the vigil at the university. She was too frightened to go to something huge and public like that.

And she’d said no when Jazzmin, Xana’s sister, asked her to speak at the second vigil in Post Falls the previous night.

It was being live streamed and she didn’t want to find herself blowing up even more on social media.

Her mom is now following a Facebook page that’s a case-discussion board to try and get ahead of all that.

But Emily said yes to Jazzmin when she asked her to speak at Xana’s memorial because the family wants to keep that small.

It hasn’t turned out small, Emily thinks. Looking around the church, she figures there must be at least a hundred mourners. And there’s a side room with another fifty chairs. People are standing because there’s nowhere to sit.

Emily sees the Chapins and the Sig Chi brothers.

They all look wrecked. It’s been a heck of a few days since Thanksgiving.

There was the vigil at the school. Then a vigil in Post Falls.

And now this. There’s Josie and Linden. They are more together now than they were before. Dylan is there too. No sign of Bethany.

Emily doesn’t recognize Xana’s mother, Cara Northington. Why would she? But Cara is there, out on bail. (She’ll be rearrested when she fails to report to court afterward.)

The service itself is surprisingly religious. Everyone is often asked to pray. Emily hadn’t known that Jeff Kernodle was religious, but you never can tell.

When it’s her turn to speak, she pulls out her phone. She spent last night writing out what she’d say. She wants it to be real. She doesn’t care what people think. Xana didn’t care what anyone thought. So this is it. This is her moment to say everything she feels about Xana, her best friend.

And so she begins.

Hi, my name is Emily Alandt. I would like to start by saying how honored I am to be up here getting the chance to speak about someone who I got to call my best friend.

She tells the story of Xana introducing herself to the Pi Phis, explaining that her name is pronounced “‘Xanax’ without the -x .” How Xana was the light and energy source in every room.

I remember the moments. And after all, it is the moments we are left with.

For all the moments I have been blessed to share with her, I am grateful.

Death ends a life, but not the relationships of that life.

We get to keep the moments and relationships.

There was a silly sweatshirt she would wear with Eeyore on it and I found a quote from Winnie-the-Pooh…

that says, “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Xana’s length of life was shorter than any of us could have imagined or wanted, but the depth of her life was grand.

You can look at Xana’s short life as a success.

If you made your life about happiness and the happiness you give to others, then she was successful in what truly matters.

May you rest in peace, my best friend, Xan.

When she’s done, she and Hunter say their goodbyes to everyone. Then Emily heads with her parents to the airport. They’re going back to Mexico for five long weeks. Hunter will come as often as he can.

Emily needs to get far, far away from everyone. She needs to finally sit with her grief. But as she looks back at all her friends, Xana’s friends, Ethan’s friends, it occurs to her that she’ll miss them. In fact, she needs them. And five weeks without them is going to be very tough.