Page 38 of The Heart of Nym (The Twisted Roots Duology #1)

She recognized his shame. And while she was never one to meddle in a person’s battle with their innermost feelings, she could see everything in his eyes. “There’s no need to be ashamed. Many people try their whole lives to have children and are rarely successful.”

If she believed that his shame came from natural causes, he would let her think that. It was far easier than having to explain what had happened to him—how Camalia had ensured that none of her male companions could impregnate her. Her womb was for heirs, she’d told them.

It was done unprofessionally, with no healers and the majority of the younger ones had gotten so sick…

“Aziel, it’s alright—”

“No, it’s not.” He growled. “It’s not alright. It wasn’t a choice and it wasn’t natural.”

The truth struck her then, her breath catching in her throat. her stomach hollowed out. She wanted to reach across the table and take his hand into hers and beg for forgiveness for having been so blind. Her cheeks burned with her embarrassment, eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t know, you have nothing to apologize for. My anger is not with you.”

What could she possibly say to that? There was no amount of comfort she could offer him, no amount of apologies that could make any of this any better. To have something like this forced on him…

“I’m not upset, Nymiria. We are having a discussion. You don’t have to be afraid of making mistakes. Not with me.” He breathed a weary sigh when she looked away from him.

“I wish that I didn't feel anything. Ever.” She blurted.

Yes.

Feeling nothing at all would be the greatest blessing she could ever receive.

Nymiria wasn’t a broken woman. Not in the slightest. But Aziel understood what she meant. He’d once had a heart that only felt pain, too. Now, he didn’t have to feel anything if he didn’t want to. He had her to thank for that.

When he brought her here, he had every intention of telling her the truth.

He'd prepared himself for her wrath, but hoped for her compliance.

But looking at her now, seeing the great turmoil that plagued her pretty soul, he changed his mind.

Be it fear or a greater understanding of the complexities of a wounded individual's soul, he decided to take another route. He was going to give her something.

An offer.

“I took your pain away before,” Aziel said in a hushed voice, her eyes meeting his with a look that was a cross between shock and awe.

Even though his heart pounded and his stomach was in knots, he gently pried the gloves from his hands to reveal the scars and scabbing wounds that were hidden beneath them.

“I can do it again, moonflower. I can take your pain—your fear. That fear that keeps you from saving yourself… ” Nymiria took one look at his mangled fingers and sucked in a sharp breath, one hand flying to her chest and the other covering her mouth.

Her heart pounded in her ears, suppressed tears forming a ball in the back of her throat.

"If you want to feel nothing, I can take it all away. "

She pointed at the place on her chest where the pain had settled deep and then with a trembling hand, she reached out and grabbed the same gloved hand he’d used to heal her shoulder.

“Fix it.” She pleaded. “Fix it.”

The man hesitated, his eyes darting around the darkness before he slowly, carefully, removed his glove.

He was careful when he reached between the iron bars, his eyes still void of emotion as he placed his hand over the center of her chest. The glow from his touch returned and Nymiria let out a sob when the hurt in her chest was flooded with a euphoric warmth.

It spread through her entire body, her eyes wide as she turned her gaze back to the moon.

Nymiria watched as he took slow, languid steps across the room to retrieve yet another bottle of wine. "What did you get out of helping me then? And what could it possibly mean for you now?"

They’d already gone through two bottles, a third was pushing it. But instead of Aziel offering her any, he merely uncorked it and took it straight to his lips. His wine glass was seemingly unimportant and useless for the amount of alcohol he was wanting to consume.

“My mother had great influence over Yaarborough. Once upon a time, Lilith Haze was able to captivate and charm her way into the king’s heart.

She loved him, you see, and it was a twisted tale of devotion and desire.

The king was betrothed already and had been since his birth, promised to Queen Camalia since before she was a seed in her mother’s womb.

They both knew that their time was limited, but it did not stop them from engaging in quite the sordid love affair.

A Mystic and a mortal? Unheard of.” He took a seat across from her, a faint grin on his lips.

“I was the result of their indiscretions. Not even a week after Camalia announced her pregnancy, my mother informed him that she was also with child.” He sighed, looking down at the bottle as if it were a foreign commodity.

“He encouraged her to take a tonic to end the pregnancy. She did, but the tonic failed. Yaarborough ended up moving her into the servant’s quarters, allowing her to stay in the palace to birth and raise me.

What he didn’t expect was for his heartbroken and pregnant mistress to wind up in the arms of another man—a better man that was not afraid to love her.

And she loved him. When Yaarborough discovered that my mother fell in love with someone else, I had already been born.

I was six by the time he was able to figure it out.

She’d been refusing his invitations to his bed and couldn’t imagine why.

Being the curious man that he is, he went looking for her.

Found her tangled in the sheets with her lover and he killed them both right on the spot.

” His gaze moved back to hers, darkened and filled with malice. Nymiria shivered, swallowing deeply.

Only a heartless person would be cruel upon hearing such a tragic tale.

Even though Aziel was crass and brutish, he also experienced heartbreak.

He lost his mother, possibly the last person to have ever cared for him deeply in a world where feelings were currency.

She felt sorry for him. It wasn’t pity, but she understood.

Losing your mother, at any age, left a gaping wound in your heart that could not be filled.

“It was out of the goodness of his heart that I was allowed to stay in the palace after her death." Aziel chuckled dryly. "But it was his stupidity that made him believe that I would be a loyal subject after watching him slit my mother's throat."

"I'm sorry." Nymiria sighed. "Truly, I am, but what does this have to do with me, Aziel?"

"Because he is doing to you what he did to her—manipulating you with a cycle of degradation and praise.

Over and over again until there is not a single unique thought left in your head.

He makes you fear that there is no one else out there who would care for you and makes you believe that you wouldn't survive without his love and his protection.

It's how he keeps you there, moonflower.

By him offering his praise and his love on a platter.

The only problem is, he never discloses just what you have to do to earn it, but you always know that his love comes with a price. Everything comes with a price."

“Which is precisely why I am skeptical about your offer.” She shrugged. “If you took my pain away and made me some fearsome killer who is unafraid of the aftermath… what is the price for that?”

Aziel stared at her for longer than she would have liked.

For each second that passed, her heartbeat grew louder.

She reclined away from him when he rose to his feet, looming over her.

“Your help.” She prepared to roll her eyes, to immediately agree because it seemed simple enough, but then his smile changed.

“It’s just the same as what I told you in the forest. Greia has died and I need help finding the next Anam.

If I don’t, the world as we know it, will end.

Without her power being regulated… anyone can take it.

Perhaps even someone with far more nefarious intentions. ”

“Dorid?” She asked. Aziel nodded in response. "You think he knows her power is available for anyone to take?" Another nod. "And you think he will take it for himself?"

He shrugged. “I don’t just think it, moonflower.

It's the kind of man that he is. It is a fact.

I want you to know the truth. You cannot trust him.

No matter how he praises you or shows pride in you, it's not real.

He'll do whatever it takes to get what he wants, so you cannot show an ounce of weakness.

If you want the world to change, if you want to be fearless, I can help you the same way that I helped you before. "

A flicker of green eyes flashed at the corner of her eye.

She could feel the phantom of her past watching her, but there was not a single word of encouragement or warning that it offered.

What would life be like to feel nothing?

To walk through each day without the aching heart inside of her chest… would it get rid of her ghost, too?

A life without feeling this ache was one only imaginable. She simply couldn’t fathom never feeling pain again—never grieving, never mourning, and never waking up in the lonely hours of the night, aching for affection and, dare she say it, love. Simply guarding her heart had resulted in death.

“Why are you so scared, Nymiria?” His voice was soft. Too soft. The way he looked at her, the tenderness to his voice, reeked of pity. Her stomach rolled. “What good is a heart if all it does is kill you in the end?”

“Everything kills us in the end, Aziel.” She mumbled.