Page 52 of The Hardest Hit

Evan ran his hand through his hair. “I know you do and I’m sorry. This last year hasn’t been… I have not been present like I wanted to be. That’s my fault. That’s not on you.”

Jackson looked surprised. “I thought maybe we pissed you off,” he said hesitantly.

“No,” said Evan firmly. “No, all of you are great. You’ve been more than patient. I know it’s hard to feel like there’s a ticking time bomb in the room.”

“That is not—”

“I know Dominique feels it. I know she tries not to and I am trying to build trust, but sometimes it’s just fucking hard.”

“It’s hard on you too,” said Jackson cautiously.

Evan thought about that and eventually gave up. “Whatever,” he said. “Look, we have a fucked up family, and sometimes shit just is what it is.”

“We’re getting better,” said Jackson firmly.

Evan eyed him in disbelief and then shook his head. “You are such a fucking optimist that sometimes I want to shove you out a window.”

Jackson laughed so hard that he snorted, which made Evan grin in turn. “You’re not supposed to laugh about threats of violence.”

“Whatever,” said Jackson, still chuckling. “I just don’t think I’ve ever been accused of being an optimist before. It’s funny. I’m pretty sure the Ukrainian DNA just overrides all potential optimism at birth.”

“Is that where we get it?” asked Evan. “I’ll have to tell my therapist. I’m sure she’ll accept my tendency towards negative thinking as my foreordained genetic heritage.”

“Totally,” agreed Jackson.

“See? There you go with that optimistic thinking again,” said Evan, trying not to laugh, which set Jackson off again.

Jackson stopped at the next light and looked over at Evan again, scrutinizing him.

“You’re really OK?”

“I’m really OK,” Evan said. “I mean, my nose feels about three feet thick, but Nazis aside, I’m OK. Which feels weird as fuck, but it’s still true.”

Jackson stared at him appraisingly. “Then why aren’t you showing up? You said you wanted to be more present. Why aren’t you?”

Evan sighed. “You pry too much.”

“Yeah,” said Jackson. “But I’m in charge of security, so that’s my job.”

“You may be taking your job too seriously,” said Evan dryly.

“I’ve been accused of that,” said Jackson. “Mostly by Aiden, but still.”

Evan chuckled. “Aiden thinks everyone takes their jobs too seriously.”

“That is true. Meanwhile, you ever notice how he secretly works on his phone? He puts in more hours than people think.”

“And two a day workouts,” said Evan. “He thinks I don’t know, but my trainer knows his trainer. But if you ask him about his workout he’ll shove a donut in his mouth and claim he’s lazy.”

“Yeah, Mr. Takes-Nothing-Seriously is full of shit,” agreed Jackson.

“Well, there’s Ella,” said Evan. “At least he admits to taking her seriously. I’m glad he found someone smart. He needs that or he gets bored. When we were kids, Aiden could do my homework by the time he was in the fifth grade. He’s sweet and he gets hurt easily by people who use that against him, so he acts like an idiot, but he is brilliant. He needs someone who will not just keep up with him but can beat him. His previous girlfriends were nice, but they couldn’t keep up.”

Jackson gave a half-laugh that sounded somewhat wistful. “I wish we could have grown up together,” he said, running his hand through his hair. Evan watched the gesture in bemusement. He remembered Randall doing the same thing and he knew he was prone to making the same gesture when stressed.

“You do?” Evan was uncertain about the abrupt change in the conversation.

“I get so jealous of the three of you,” said Jackson. “All of you know each other. You may not get along all the time, but you know each other. I never had that. Do you know how long it took me to figure that out about Aiden? I feel like I’m running like a hamster on a goddamn wheel to barely keep up with any of you.”